Post # 1
Hi everyone! So my Fiance and I were thinking of having a destination wedding in the Caribbean to cut on costs (and lots of other reasons and both sets of parents think it’s a great idea) – it would be about $10,000 for the entire thing plus the trip down there.
My future in-laws paid for a large portion of their oler son and daughter’s weddings and want to pay for my FI’s as well. It is super generous of them and they have been saving money since December to give us for the wedding. They are really excited for their last child to be married. My Future Mother-In-Law wants to go dress shopping and send me ideas and is excited to look at bridesmaids dresses and colours – the whole bit! My parents however are not. They are happy for me but have absolutely no interest in planning or doing anything related to the wedding. I expected this and am fine with it but there are a few problems.
1) my future in-laws while super generous think that my parents should split the cost of the wedding with them. I tried to explain that I think my Fiance and I should pay for it ourselves and they can give us a gift if they like but they insist that they want to pay for it as they did for their other children. They don’t think it’s fair though to pay for the whole thing. I tried to explain that my parents are sort of anti-wedding and see the big party as a complete waste of money but they don’t get it. I Future Father-In-Law today said, “but you’re their only daughter they should want to pay for the wedding.”
2) My mom seems to be jealous of my Future Mother-In-Law whenever I bring up the wedding. My mom normally hates weddings but she is very is controlling and doesn’t want my Future Mother-In-Law to be more involved than her. It is frustrating because I have my mom one day saying it is a waste of money and the next she says that I better not going wedding dress shopping with my Future Mother-In-Law.
This whole money thing is stressful and is making me just want to elope. I thought the destination wedding would be easier than a wedding at home (less people, less costs, etc.) but it seems just as bad. I thought my Fiance and I could just pay for it ourselves and tell each of our parents that if they would like to give us a gift afterwards of whatever amount – it would be greatly appreciated. But my in-laws don’t want to do this. I feel like I am coming off as the rude future daughter that is unappreciative of this amazingly generous gift they are offering. At the same time I can’t tell my parents they have to pay for half. I’m not sure what to do. Please any advice would be appreciated!
Post # 2
stephf22 : Your Fiance should be the one talking with his Mom. He can tell her that they can give as much or as little as they choose, and that you will appreciate the amount no matter what it is, but it has absolutely nothing to do with whether your parents give you a sum of money or not. He needs to tell them that this particular discussion is over.
Post # 3
It’s not the 1920’s anymore, and while very generous of your future in-laws to offer to pay they need to realise that your parents are by no means obligated to do the same.
Your Fiance needs to speak to his parents and handle this. I would lean towards insisting that you pay for the wedding yourself and let the parents decide on how much they would like to give you as a gift. If the in-laws are adamant they want to pay then they need to be understanding that it’s not fair to expect your parents to also contribue financially.
Your mom also sounds like she’s being a little bit immature/jealous and needs to put her big girl boots on.
Post # 4
Your parents have no obligation to pay for your wedding. It’s really rude and inappropriate for your in-laws to suggest otherwise. Your fiancé needs to shut this conversation down now. Tell them that no matter what they think your parents are not obligated to put any money toward the wedding. If that impacts how much his parents want to give, fine but it’s not up for discussion anymore.
Post # 5
Thanks everyone! I appreciate the advice. His parents really do mean well! I think they just come from a different background and are shocked my parents really have no interst in paying at all. They are staying with us for the week as they are visiting from England (we live in Canada) and this all came up while my Fiance was at work. When I picked him up after his shift he was upset at what they had said and said he will talk to them about it tomorrow. They had mentioned it before that my parent should split it but only in passing over skype – I hadn’t realized how strongly they felt that way. I guess I was taken aback when they were saying these things and I really don’t want to seem rude or ungrateful for their generosity. Thank you everyone for helping put my mind at ease that I’m not crazy for thinking that their insistance was pretty ridiculous.
MsAfarian : Also I agree my mom definitely does – but she is always like this and always has been. I truly don’t expect anything less. Just wanted to vent about it.
Post # 6
Can you and your Fiance pay 50% and your in laws pay 50%? Or a different ratio. You can’t really force your parents to pay for something especially if they’re not in the financial position to.
Post # 7
Your ILs need to be told that they can gift you whatever they feel comfortable, but anything above that will be the responsibility of you and your fiance. It doesn’t matter if they think your parents should pay, that’s not how your family dynamic works. They need to butt out.
Post # 8
Why are you even discussing what your parents are or are not paying for with the in laws? It’s none of their business. Don’t tell them anything about it. They want to gift you money for the wedding or whatever, that is the only thing that is their business. Not once did my parents ask what my in laws are paying, nor did my in laws ask what my parents are paying or what we are paying. They offered up their part independant of any knowledge of who was paying what.
Post # 9
stephf22 : your mom is being childish. She doesn’t want to contribute and claims she is anti-wedding party Etc yet is trying to guilt you over making sure that she’s the one that goes with you (whiile you “waste” money) wedding gown shopping!!
yeah mother-in-law and father-in-law being so generous themselves can’t believe that your parents seem to have little regard for the big day. It does sound as if your mother does care enough to be( ridiculously ) “jealous ” but she just doesn’t want to fork out her own cash/contribute for any of it..her prerogative of course as you are adults. However, how much you want to bet she will want her name on the invites as though she contributed finan to your “wasteful” wedding? 😉
Post # 10
for your Mother-In-Law – sounds like a lovely woman. However, she can think what she wants to all day long, doesn’t change the fact that your parents arne’t going to pay anything. She needs to realize her desires/wants aren’t going to magically make your parents pull out their wallets. Your Fiance needs to handle that discussion.
For your mom, she can get over herself. Just go about your business, invite her if you want, and don’t feel guilty if you spend more time on the wedding with Future Mother-In-Law. She had 18+ years to cultivate a relationshop where you two would be excited to pour over wedding magazines, and she didn’t – she can’t expect you to cater to her whims now. So don’t.
Post # 11
kw617 : agree!
Looking at OP’s other posts, there is a recurrent theme of her mother being difficult…no surprise she is a problem regarding this too…..
Post # 12
I would be honest. It’s wrong for your in laws to offer to pay, and then expect your parents to contribute. Your future in laws cannot dictate what your parents do with their money. I would have your Fiance speak to his parents, because it’s always better this way. And your Fiance should say, “Stephf22’s parents will not be contributing to the wedding. They don’t believe in large weddings and the cost of them. However, Stephf22 and I are happy to help pay for the wedding, so that the financial burden is not entirely on you. We’re so happy that you’re involved and appreciate your contribution to our special day.”
Post # 13
I think you are caught in the middle of two sets of parents who both like you but don’t like one another. They are attacking one another through you, IMO. Unfortunately I don’t think there is much you can do about that but refuse to engage.
I think you are handling this the right way…your Future In-Laws are being bizzare and illogical. They don’t want to pay for your whole wedding, they want to pay for half. That’s fine, but they don’t get to decide who picks up the bill for the other half.
Obviously our Future In-Laws and your parents have different values around weddings. That’s not going to change. All you can do is keep reinforcing the message that you are grateful for their gift, but that you’ll cover the other half yourself.
As for you mom…again, totally unfair of her. Stand your ground by just ignoring her.
Post # 14
Your mom hates weddings and don’t pay but is mad that in-laws partacapate and pay for a beautiful wedding for her daghter. My parents would be sooo greatfull I was happy. Not going to lie you mom sounds selfish
Post # 15
“But my in-laws don’t want to do this.”
I understand how family drama can be a major headache, but I don’t really understand why this matters or eve how it’s possible for them to lay down that rule. So if your parents won’t also contribute they won’t either? Then just pay for the wedding yourselves and you escape any money-giving problems.
ETA: I agree with PP who wonders why you are even discussing what your parents are contributing. It’s zero of their business and there is no reason to talk about it. My inlaws also never enquired as to how much my parents were contributing or anything else about how we planned to finace the wedding.