FMIL thinks my parents should pay for half the wedding?!?

posted 2 years ago in Money
Post # 2
Member
47175 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

stephf22 :  Your Fiance should be the one talking with his Mom. He can tell her that they can give as much or as little as they choose, and that you will appreciate the amount no matter what it is, but it has absolutely nothing to do with whether your parents give you a sum of money or not. He needs to tell them that this particular discussion is over.

Post # 3
Member
530 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

It’s not the 1920’s anymore, and while very generous of your future in-laws to offer to pay they need to realise that your parents are by no means obligated to do the same.

Your Fiance needs to speak to his parents and handle this. I would lean towards insisting that you pay for the wedding yourself and let the parents decide on how much they would like to give you as a gift. If the in-laws are adamant they want to pay then they need to be understanding that it’s not fair to expect your parents to also contribue financially.

Your mom also sounds like she’s being a little bit immature/jealous and needs to put her big girl boots on.

Post # 4
Member
9544 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

Your parents have no obligation to pay for your wedding. It’s really rude and inappropriate for your in-laws to suggest otherwise. Your fiancé needs to shut this conversation down now. Tell them that no matter what they think your parents are not obligated to put any money toward the wedding. If that impacts how much his parents want to give, fine but it’s not up for discussion anymore.

Post # 6
Member
330 posts
Helper bee

Can you and your Fiance pay 50% and your in laws pay 50%? Or a different ratio. You can’t really force your parents to pay for something especially if they’re not in the financial position to. 

 

Post # 7
Member
6945 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

Your ILs need to be told that they can gift you whatever they feel comfortable, but anything above that will be the responsibility of you and your fiance. It doesn’t matter if they think your parents should pay, that’s not how your family dynamic works. They need to butt out.

Post # 8
Member
14899 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

Why are you even discussing what your parents are or are not paying for with the in laws?  It’s none of their business.  Don’t tell them anything about it.  They want to gift you money for the wedding or whatever, that is the only thing that is their business.   Not once did my parents ask what my in laws are paying, nor did my in laws ask what my parents are paying or what we are paying.  They offered up their part independant of any knowledge of who was paying what.

Post # 9
Member
2710 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

stephf22 :  your mom is being childish. She doesn’t want to contribute and claims she is anti-wedding party Etc yet is trying to guilt you over making sure that she’s the one that goes with you (whiile you “waste” money) wedding gown shopping!!

yeah  mother-in-law and father-in-law being so generous themselves can’t believe that your parents seem to have little regard for the big day. It does sound as if your mother does care enough to be( ridiculously ) “jealous ” but she just doesn’t want to fork out her own cash/contribute for any of it..her prerogative of course as you are adults. However, how much you want to bet she will want her name on the invites as though she contributed finan to your “wasteful” wedding?  😉

Post # 10
Member
1003 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

for your Mother-In-Law – sounds like a lovely woman. However, she can think what she wants to all day long, doesn’t change the fact that your parents arne’t going to pay anything. She needs to realize her desires/wants aren’t going to magically make your parents pull out their wallets. Your Fiance needs to handle that discussion.

 

For your mom, she can get over herself. Just go about your business, invite her if you want, and don’t feel guilty if you spend more time on the wedding with Future Mother-In-Law. She had 18+ years to cultivate a relationshop where you two would be excited to pour over wedding magazines, and she didn’t – she can’t expect you to cater to her whims now. So don’t.  

Post # 11
Member
2710 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

kw617 :  agree!

Looking at OP’s other posts, there is a recurrent theme of her mother being difficult…no surprise she is a problem regarding this too…..

Post # 12
Member
1911 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

I would be honest. It’s wrong for your in laws to offer to pay, and then expect your parents to contribute. Your future in laws cannot dictate what your parents do with their money. I would have your Fiance speak to his parents, because it’s always better this way. And your Fiance should say, “Stephf22’s parents will not be contributing to the wedding. They don’t believe in large weddings and the cost of them. However, Stephf22 and I are happy to help pay for the wedding, so that the financial burden is not entirely on you. We’re so happy that you’re involved and appreciate your contribution to our special day.”

That’s it.

Post # 13
Member
5897 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

stephf22 : 

I think you are caught in the middle of two sets of parents who both like you but don’t like one another.  They are attacking one another through you, IMO.  Unfortunately I don’t think there is much you can do about that but refuse to engage.

I think you are handling this the right way…your Future In-Laws are being bizzare and illogical.  They don’t want to pay for your whole wedding, they want to pay for half.  That’s fine, but they don’t get to decide who picks up the bill for the other half.

Obviously our Future In-Laws and your parents have different values around weddings.  That’s not going to change.  All you can do is keep reinforcing the message that you are grateful for their gift, but that you’ll cover the other half yourself.

As for you mom…again, totally unfair of her.  Stand your ground by just ignoring her.

Post # 14
Member
2017 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

Your mom hates weddings and don’t pay but is mad that in-laws partacapate and pay for a beautiful wedding for her daghter. My parents would be sooo greatfull I was happy. Not going to lie you mom sounds selfish

Post # 15
Member
1198 posts
Bumble bee

“But my in-laws don’t want to do this.”

I understand how family drama can be a major headache, but I don’t really understand why this matters or eve how it’s possible for them to lay down that rule. So if your parents won’t also contribute they won’t either? Then just pay for the wedding yourselves and you escape any money-giving problems. 

ETA: I agree with PP who wonders why you are even discussing what your parents are contributing. It’s zero of their business and there is no reason to talk about it. My inlaws also never enquired as to how much my parents were contributing or anything else about how we planned to finace the wedding. 

 

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