Post # 1
Member
521 posts
Busy bee
- Wedding: May 2012 - Salvage One, Chicago
To be more specific, I think my Future Mother-In-Law wants to have my mom co-host or something, but due to etiquette, I’d rather not have my mom involved in hosting. Also, my parents are paying for the WHOLE wedding, about $50k, so I really don’t want my mom to end up paying for half of the shower, too- they’re doing enough. How can I convey that without actually saying anything to that effect? Help!
Post # 3
Member
96 posts
Worker bee
I’m sure your parents would appreciate your trying to look out for them so could you just tell them? Would your mom be opposed to simply telling your Future Mother-In-Law that she is busy and won’t be able to help until the day of? Maybe say “There are a lot of wedding details I’m trying to get sorted out (name a few) so I won’t be much help with the planning, sorry. But if you need help setting up that afternoon I’d be glad to come over early.” that way your Future Mother-In-Law will have some help that day but your mom won’t be obligated to pay for half if all she does is blow up balloons and pull out chairs. Or she could just supply a side dish or two.
Post # 4
Member
2247 posts
Buzzing bee
I would flat out tell my Future Mother-In-Law (as I already have) that the bride’s mother isn’t supposed to throw the shower. I believe my aunts and some of my cousins are going to collaborate on a shower for me, although I’m unsure. Can’t any of your aunts co-host with your FMIL? Bridesmaids? Friends? Just tell your Future Mother-In-Law that you’re uncomfortable with your mother co-hosting and that you feel she is already contributing enough. If you don’t have any aunts, it is also acceptable for your FI’s aunts to host.
Post # 5
Member
96 posts
Worker bee
@Pinksapphire: You have guts! I like it! How did your Future Mother-In-Law handle the convo?
Post # 6
Member
521 posts
Busy bee
- Wedding: May 2012 - Salvage One, Chicago
Oh girls…I had told my mom how I felt and it seemed like she agreed with me…but then she had a phone call with Future Mother-In-Law and I think it was like the awkward convo where Future Mother-In-Law is talking about ideas and letting things hang in the air and my mom just offered to help. When I talked to her about it she was almost crying because she said she justs wants me to have happy memories and wants it to be lovely for me and doesn’t care about the cost.
It just irks me because Future Mother-In-Law, and her whole family, is a bit cheap- when we gave her the rehearsal dinner location options she said she just would do the cheapest one. Anyway, Future Mother-In-Law was just asking Mr. Bing about what more she could help with and I think I’m just going to have him tell her, ‘don’t make Mrs. Bing pay for the shower!’ I know it’s going to come off also that Future Mother-In-Law is throwing the shower and my mom is going to be like the silent partner or something. FMIL wants to so these thing for me, which is sweet, but then complains that she’s ‘throwing the rehearsal dinner (she’s splitting it with FFIL- they’re divorced) AND a shower’
Sorry, that was a bit of a vent. But no choices have really been made yet, so I want to get my point across to FMIL- I just am scared of offending her, I want us to have a good relationship.
Post # 7
Member
96 posts
Worker bee
It does seem like a tricky situation. I think you would be best following your gut and just coming right out and saying it, that way nothing gets misinterpreted and she will know EXACTLY how you feel. Just try to be as tacful as possible “I’d rather my mom not help pay for the party since she is paying for my wedding.” and then maybe offer cutting some things out to lower their cost; not so manty decorations, potluck instead of catering, bbq instead of going somewhere. Maybe you could go to an even CHEAPER place for the rehearsal dinner or even veto it all together. I’m not having one and my SIL didn’t have one either, nor is my brother. If I do anything, it’ll be just a bbq at the FI’s house. Also, make sure you tell your mom that what you want, remembering your mother being taken advantage of is certianly not a happy memory! Let her know you’d be happiest if she were treated fairly and not to volunteer any more of her money. Good luck!
Post # 8
Member
1243 posts
Bumble bee
@JBing: Oh dude….that’s not a good situation. Up front, I have to say that I think that it’s awful that your Future Mother-In-Law offered to host a shower for you and is now trying to off load it onto your parents. If she didn’t want to host (aka spend the money) then she shouldn’t have offered.
To be fair to you, you’re mom really shouldn’t have offered to help out so she kind of put her own foot in it, but I understand that she felt pressured to do so. Do his parents know that your parents are paying for the wedding (not the amount, but that they are)? It seems a bit crazy for your Future Mother-In-Law to ask this of your mom (especially if this is about the money part…not just about being involved) if she knows that your parents are already contributing in a very VERY significant way.
I think that you have a couple of options. You could tell your mom that she should talk to Future Mother-In-Law and say that, while she is happy to help set up and come up with ideas, she is not able to financially help out with the shower. This could be awkward. You could also talk to your Future Mother-In-Law and explain that you really don’t want your Mom to help out with the shower because she is already doing so much for the wedding and that is improper for you mom to be hosting that kind of event. I think that this is the best option, to be honest. It MIGHT offend your Future Mother-In-Law, but at the same time, the way that you’ve outlined the situation here, it almost sounds like your Future Mother-In-Law is taking advantage of your mom…so you should stand up for her. You don’t have to be rude…You could offer up your BMs or any friends that are willing to help with the shower as a peace offering (obviously find out if they are willing first). That way there are some options for your Future Mother-In-Law.
What does your Fiance think?
I’m sorry that you’re dealing with this. It definitely doesn’t sound fun.
Post # 9
Member
521 posts
Busy bee
- Wedding: May 2012 - Salvage One, Chicago
@ArwenBride: I’ve told Mr. Bing how I feel and he gets frustrated with the situation and has offered to talk to his mom. He hates when there’s any sort of ‘drama’ and knows his mom is a little loopy and to be firm with her. Even though I don’t want to ruffle feathers I plan to email or talk to her as well.
I agree that it’s more tricky since my mom has already offered to help financially and backing out would be hard, so I’m going to suggest that she be more specific in how she wants to help, ie: geting the decorations or something else limited with set boundaries. Another easy out is that my parents are leaving soon to spend a month in Florida, so my mom won’t even be around to help plan…ugh- I wish she had let that be her ‘excuse’!
Future Mother-In-Law definitely knows that my parents are paying for the entire wedding. My parents also hosted an engagement party for us over the summer, with 60 guests, catered, a bar, and a tent in the backyard…so she knows my parents have done a lot for us already…
At the moment the shower is going to be held at a country club of our family friends- they have to ‘sponsor’ a non-menber party, so my mom has helped set that up, which might have to change if Future Mother-In-Law thinks it’s too expensive.
My Future Sister-In-Law got married in October and Future Mother-In-Law did a joint shower with the mother of the groom, so I think that’s where this idea is coming from…we just come from slightly different circles and ways of thinking, I’m going to chalk it up to that. I’m seeing my family today and will talk to my mom again, I’ll let you know how it goes!
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