FMIL Troubles

posted 5 months ago in Family
Post # 2
4994 posts
Honey bee

sunshinedaisies2728 :  

Well I’m guessing  – forgive me if I’m wrong , that you are of Indian ethnicity and he is Christian and you are Hindu. Given the powerful family and religious  and cultural dynamics invoved in all that , not to mention the amount of money  they are paying  OP , I  would let all the outfit and similar  stuff just happen. You won’t win and it would be exhausting and potentially damaging .   Even the cousin  she wants as bridesmaid  ,if   it isn’t costing you anything and you don’t really care, let it go and rack up some good DIL points 

How the children  are to be brought  up, yes, thats the one to fight about , when the time comes, Then you can be utterly and completely  intransigent.

Post # 4
3321 posts
Sugar bee

sunshinedaisies2728 :  You should be able to choose what you are wearing. If your FI decides to give in that’s up to him. 

Ask your FI to talk to his mother. You are setting the tone for your future relationship with her here–at some point she will need to get used to the fact, if not accept, that you and your FI are an adult unit making decisions for yourselves that you are not going to bend to her will over and over and over again. Is it possible to “give” her one of the events let her know that you’ll do as she likes for that one event but you will be making the final decisions for the others? Good luck, Bee. 

Post # 5
2436 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

I disagree with Elderbee on this although I understand her angle. It’s just 45 years of experience suggests that people who behave in this way only tend to escalate when they are accommodated because why would you surrender when you are winning the battles?

I’d remain scrupulously polite, saying you are sorry she went to such trouble over the wedding outfit but as you had always made clear, you will be choosing it on the planned trip. 

I’d leave the groom’s outfit for him to work through, he’ll probably cave, it’s not the end of the world.

 The two sets of invitations is a massive no. Weddings are about bringing two families together, any “our side only” stuff should be arranged informally between themselves in such a way that they makes no impact on your wedding events. Screw having a stranger in your bridal party too,  you need to be direct with this, She has been invited to be a guest at your wedding, she will be hosted, why does she need to be compensated for attending with a place in your bridal party? Don’t say any of that to MIL though, just say “No thank you, my bridal party is already settled and I don’t want to change it ”  

Try to avoid sharing plans with her as much as possible. Whilst being polite, asking after her health etc. when she drops an insult, like your inability to transmit values, pick up on in the moment, very calmly: “That’s actually a very unpleasant thing to say Barbara, I don’t agree at all.” If she times these things when others are out of earshot, when they return share it in a conversational tone: ” DF, your mother just said I wasn’t capable of teaching LO about my religion and that teaching about both our heritages might cause them to have autism. [turn to MIL] Honestly Barbara, I can reassure you completely on the autism issue that it is absolute nonsense. As for the dual heritage, we are both determined to make that a positive for LO in a way that is respectful to both religions.” If you want to indulge in a little covert bitch-speak and assuming you are Hindu or Sikh (you could probably stretch it if Buddhist too) point out that after all both your religions teach that god takes different forms in the world and they share values in terms of how to live a good life  

She needs to learn that every covert jibe will be cheerfully exposed to all for consideration   

Good luck!




Post # 6
4994 posts
Honey bee

Drizzle :  

On reflection, I think you are right. And OP seems very keen not to give in on wedding details so yeah…. 

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