- 4 years ago
I need some help from you ladies regarding FMIL.
Before I get into the issue, I need to give you a backstory of the people involved.
FMIL had a sister who passed away close to 20 years ago. Her sister’s husband remained very close with the family because of his two daughters (FI’s cousins) who are close in age to myself and FI. FMIL’s sister’s husband remarried about two years ago. He married a woman who has two little girls from a previous marriage- one is 11, the other 14. Fiance’s family consider’s his uncle’s new wife and her kids as part of the family. They all come to holiday gatherings, the little ones get Christmas presents, etc. So, they are essentially “step” cousins- though I’m not sure that is even the right term to use since FI’s uncle isn’t even a blood-related uncle, he was married to FMIL’s sister. Sorry if this is confusing- it’s hard to accurately explain in writing.
A ltitle more backstory: we aren’t having children at our wedding or reception. We love kids, but we just don’t think our wedding is the place for them. We thought about making an exception for these two “step cousins” because we knew FMIL would be pissed if they weren’t invited, so we entertained the idea but never gave her a final decision, which is why things have gotten hairy. The more we thought about inviting these two little girls, the worse I felt about not inviting my blood-related, known since birth, closer with than we are with these girls, kids of my cousins. So we nixed the idea. We should have told FMIL, but I figured we’d address that when we start working on invites for the wedding. So that was our first mistake.
So, here comes the issue. My shower invites just went out. I had no idea who FMIL invited to the shower. By the way- she is paying for the shower along with FI’s other aunt. BUT my BMs are planning just about every bit of the shower. Anyway, FMIL invited these two “step cousins” to the shower without me knowing. When I found out my cousin RSVPed with the name of her 14 year old daughter (who was not invited) added on, I politely messaged my cousin and told her that as much as I would love for her daughter to be there, I didn’t think it would be appropriate (my girls are planning some games that could turn intimate/inappropriate for children). She understood and said no problem. I didn’t want kids at the shower. I knew that things could get a little PG-13 and I didn’t want to have to worry about watching what I or what guests say or do because there would be kids around. FMIL said that she thought it was okay to invite the girls because they were invited to the wedding- which I totally understand why she would thing that.
BUT- it’s my shower (FI will be there with a few of his groomsmen, too), don’t I get a say in who comes/what kind of shower I would like? I mean, my girls are planning the thing with me in mind, shouldn’t the guest list also reflect that? I’ve never been to a bridal shower with kids present, either. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I think she should have asked me first before inviting the girls- is that an unreasonable expectation? Even if we did plan on inviting the girls to our wedding, I still wouldn’t want them at the shower.
So on top of this fiasco, FMIL has 10 people on our guest list that I’ve never met- 5 of her girlfriends from high school and their husbands. This is something we compromised on. Now that FMIL has invited the “step cousins” to the shower, she can’t uninvite them, which means they are also invited to the wedding. Which means I feel bad about uninviting my cousin’s daughter, which means I should probably re-invite her and also allow her to come to the wedding. Plus all of my other blood-related, known since birth, cousins who I am closer with than fiance is close with these girls. I can’t make an exception for these two girls that we’ve known all of 3 years over my cousins I’ve known for 2, 3, 7, 14 years. And we are just about maxed out on space at our reception hall. We couldn’t fit 6 more people. So we’d have to make cuts to the guest list somehow… Guess who would be the first to go? Yep- her girlfriends! Not because I’m passive aggressive, but because I’ve never met them and I would rather have her friends cut than my and fiance’s friends or family.
FMIL is so incredibly concerned about what other people think of her. She couldn’t possibly uninvite these girls because of what their mom and step dad might think of her. Because their feelings are more important that my feelings/what FI and I want (or at least that’s how it feels due to her actions).
So now comes the “What do I do?” part.
Do I put my foot down about the shower? Tell her she has to uninvite these two little girls because she made a mistake? Which then would save us from having to invite them to the wedding.
Tell my girls to plan an extremely raunchy bridal shower and let FMIL die of mortification?
Do nothing and let these two girls come to the shower and wedding? Do I then invite my kid cousins to the shower and wedding?