(Closed) FMIL turning me into a bridezilla

posted 5 years ago in Family
Post # 3
6015 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

Your Future Mother-In-Law and her sister are paying for the bridal shower but they are letting the BM’s plan the shower?  I think that’s really nice of her.  I’ve been in alot of weddings and when the Aunt’s of the groom/bride throw the shower they plan it too.  You could save the rauncy stuff for your bachelorette party where it would be more appropriate.  Never mind the little girls, how about how uncomfortable some of the older ladies wll feel if it gets really raunchy.   She’s paying and so she can invite who she wants to the shower.  You don’t have to have the kids at your wedding if you don’t want them.  You might want to come up with an age, no one under 16 is invited to the wedding or something. 

Post # 5
2297 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

you don’t need to invite the 11 and 14 year old to the wedding because they were invited to the shower. they were, you fixed it, they’re not coming. it sounds like the mum is reasonable, so this shouldn’t be an issue with her. sit down with your fmil with a list of cousins etc that you’re not inviting who are closer/close like the 11 and 14 year old are. say ‘we have decided on no kids including 11 and 14, and here’s why, blah blah blah.’ then if she freaks you can show her the list to assure her that they are not being unfairly left out, it’s an across the board policy, and she’s not the only one making cuts, your family is compromising too. 

these two girls don’t need to be invited – it would be crazy to throw off your entire guest list because two kids were accidentally invited to a shower they shouldn’t have been. buy them a little present and write them a card to make them feel included if you’re concerned, you could treat them to take out pizza and a movie the night of your wedding with their favourite babysitter etc if you want them to have a fun night too. 

Post # 6
330 posts
Helper bee

I would do the same thing you did with your cousin. They are too young! period. If you havent sent out invites yet, then I dont know why it would be assumed that they would be invited. You havent told the parents of the girls anything. Its Mother-In-Law who would have her foot in her mouth, not you. And tell your Mother-In-Law exactly what you posted here, if you invite these two girls, you will have to invite all of your other cousins who were left off which means, the list would have to be cut and the place that you and Fiance have decided that the cut will come from owould be her friends since you both dont know them. Let her chose. Im sure she will choose to sav face with her friends than with 2 teenagers.

Also make sure Fiance is on board with whatever you decide. And be firm! Dont allow any room for minipulation. apologize and say it isnt feasible. DONE.

Post # 8
9674 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2019

I agree with everyone else, you do not have to invite these girls to the wedding just because your Future Mother-In-Law invited them to the shower. I would also not invite her friends that you’ve never met, but that’s me.

Post # 10
9548 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

Whew. So lets start with who is in charge of the guest list – the host.

If you and your fiance are paying for the wedding, you are definitely hosting so you get the final say in the guest list. If you do not want to invite these two step cousins, then don’t. You may have to deal with a pissed off Future Mother-In-Law and other family members, but it is ultimately your decision.

For the shower it seems that hosting duties are being split between your Future Mother-In-Law and your bridesmaids. This is an unusual set-up and requires that they work together on the guest list and the party, in general. It is quite common for the host of the shower to ask for input for the guest list from the bride/couple. However, the ultimate decision comes down to the host. You are correct that it would be improper for your Future Mother-In-Law to invite guests who are not invited to the wedding, but that would be on her shoulders, not yours.

I would have set the wedding guest list in stone and made sure your Future Mother-In-Law is aware of who is invited prior to her sending invitations to the shower. But that didn’t happen. Life goes on.

Now, I would sit down with your fiance and his mother and discuss that the step-cousins are not goign to be invited to the wedding, so you don’t think it’s appropriate to have them at the shower. She won’t be happy, but I think that’s the best option. Because if you don’t invite her friends to the wedding and they’ve been invited to the shower, you’re in the same predicament without the convenient excuse of “no children”.

ETA: It just occured to me that I haven’t heard anything about what your fiance thinks about this? It’s ultimately his family – what does he want to do?

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 7 months ago by  JenGirl.
Post # 11
608 posts
Busy bee

All of these concerns about who was and who wasn’t on the invite list for the shower should have been handled BEFORE the invitations went out. Normally, the hostess (i.e., the one who is paying) invites whoever she pleases. If you wanted to put stipulations on who was to be on the guest list, then you should have done so well before it was created. That was your fail, and a pretty major one.

That being said, a MOG throwing a shower shouldn’t just invite random strangers that she knows are not on the wedding guest list – but you yourself admit that it was not unreasonable for the MOG to assume these two girls would be invited, especially considering that you had never told her they wouldn’t be. So, you withheld that information, then got upset when your Future Mother-In-Law acted on a reasonable assumption you could have avoided. She’s paying for the shower, but letting your friends plan it. She’s generously throwing you a party, but you expected her to run the guest list by you.

If you’re being a bridezilla about things, it’s not your FMIL’s fault. From what you’ve posted here, she seems perfectly reasonable and frankly quite generous. The fact that you waffled around on a decision, withheld the final decision from her, and had unspoken expectations is entirely on you. Intentionally planning a raunchy shower just to embarrass her will only embarrass you, whether you realize it or not – it’s petty and immature. Uninviting anyone who already has an invitation to the shower is pretty graceless, and frankly, inexcusable.

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 7 months ago by  Sephiroth.
  • This reply was modified 4 years, 7 months ago by  Sephiroth.
Post # 13
2987 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

You can’t host your own shower so, no, you should not offer to pay for it. I’m surprised that your BMs are planning it while your Future In-Laws are paying for it, but that’s between those people so it doesn’t really matter. I agree with PP who say that older women might be turned off by raunchyness at a shower (I would be uncomfortable with it and I am by no means “older”), so perhaps you can talk to your BMs about saving that for the bachelorette party. If you will not budge on the children, though, what do you want to do? You either uninvite the children from the shower or not invite someone who was invited to the shower to the wedding, both of which are rude. Is your Fiance also against having them at the wedding? 

Post # 16
608 posts
Busy bee

MichiganGirl24:  I totally understand your assumption that kids wouldn’t be invited. I know a lot of people that come with the same expectation. The problem is that there are just as many people that assume that kids WILL be invited! :p

I hope I didn’t sound overly harsh – I just mean to point out that I don’t think your Future Mother-In-Law was patently unreasonable in inviting the girls (since she thought they were invited to the wedding).

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