(Closed) FMIL using your relationship as ammo?

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
200 posts
Helper bee

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hnnhkrk:  Sounds kind of like my friend’s borderline personality mother. People like that see people as either “good” or “evil” and can turn on you in a second. Realize it’s not rational and just try to avoid her when possible is my best advice. If people are irrational you can’t reason with them, unfortunately.

Post # 3
Member
4759 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I can’t relate, but it seems like every time she brings up your as a comparison, your Fiance should simply be saying, “Of course (or of course not) -she’s my wife.” Even if that doesn’t work, your Fiance really should be shutting this down – his brother and his mother are NOT his wife, and they don’t rank at the same priority. It sounds harsh, but he may have to make that clear.

Post # 4
Member
6516 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

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hnnhkrk:  yes, but my own mother does this same exact thing to me. Whenever my mother and I argue, I always try to be calm about it and end the conversation before it gets heated and eventually I have to hang up on her (i will say “ok mom i am going to hang up now because we need to end this convo” etc, and she will say no no and act like a child) she will text me, or email me and say “you wouldn’t treat your Mother-In-Law like this” “you would never speak to DH like that” and at one point i blew up and I said you’re right, I wouldn’t talk to them like that because they don’t treat me the way you do, they don’t upset me and stress me out the way you do. Then she shuts up. She will never and never has apologized, she just continues to make me feel guilty. I am 30 years old, I am over the guilt trips. 

As for your Future Mother-In-Law your Fiance needs to put his mom in her place. 

Post # 5
Member
11376 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

Yes, I can relate. This is one reason why I try to warn other bees not to let Mother-In-Law get them to side against their partner. Mine has said a lot of the same things, but she is diagnosed and unmedicated. She was sweet as pie for years, but Fiance warned me about her diagnoses (BPD and a few others) and I noticed that she always bad talked her other DIL to the entire family while being sugary sweet to her face. That is never a good sign. 

Sure enough, she started in on me behind my back. 

My solution is to keep her far away from my heart and relationship. I let Fiance handle her how he chooses. Right now he is not speaking to her, which means she blames me, of course. So after sending him nasty messages about me stealing him from his family, she started texting me that she had cancer, and I should be nice enough to forgive her and let her son see her before she dies. (Merry Christmas text.) I was naturally alarmed and upset.

It turns out that was a lie that she has been pulling on her family for 25 years.

Some bees get lucky and some don’t in the Mother-In-Law dept. Looks like you got a doozy.

Post # 6
Member
2256 posts
Buzzing bee

Talk to your SO about it. You need to tell him that when she says that, he needs to tell her that you have nothing to do with it, and it’s not a competition.

Some mothers will hang onto their sons for dear life. Sink the talons in. Another female comes along, and he’s no longer their baby. It’s frustrating, but just ignore her. She sounds bitter and unhappy in her life, and like she needs validation from her son to be happy. Or, she just enjoys being the wronged party. There are genuinely people like that.

You just happen to be her straw dog. Let her be dramatic. People will see how foolish she is being.

Post # 10
Member
7176 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

I can relate. Maybe not using me as an excuse, but my Future Mother-In-Law would try to drive a wedge into our relationship whenever she was mad at my Fiance. She would text me asking me what his problem is, then text a few seconds later saying, “Nevermind. I’ll just ask FI’s ex (mother of his son).” It was amazing. Within the same conversation, she would say, “Last time Fiance did this, FI’s ex yelled at him and he turned around.” Or she’ll text me something random like, “Did Fiance tell you what happened to his last car?” So we would get in an argument. It was amazing. And that’s not even the worst of it. I’m so happy we cut her out of our lives. Life is so much more…. peaceful.

 

ETA: I get along great with the mother of my stepson, but Future Mother-In-Law would do anything to get under my skin and start a fight between Fiance and I.

Post # 11
Member
6516 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

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hnnhkrk:  unfortunately its for your Fiance to handle :/

Has he said anything to her before? 

Post # 12
Member
553 posts
Busy bee

Ok she may be a bit of a nut, but ate you telling us that he did not ever defend her against that? It may have been 10 years ago but holy crap how rude.

Post # 15
Member
7176 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

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hnnhkrk:  I feel you. My Future Mother-In-Law will share picture of FI’s ex on her Facebook and comment on how beautiful she is. They haven’t been together in 7 years.

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