(Closed) FMIL vent and advice seeking

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 3
1141 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I would tell her before the wedding, I don’t think you want that scene at your wedding and this should be handled by your fi. He is going to gave to get used to dealing with her and he should start with this. Maybe with your helping him with approach and what to say he will be better able to handle her in the future. This is one of those times that it’s the woman behind the man!

Post # 4
2095 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

First of all she may not have been a good mother. But she is his mother. If you are honoring your father then I believe she needs to be honored as well. My personal opinion is suck it up and deal. She deserves respect in the fact that she gave birth to him. 

My stepchildren have not seen their mother in over 2 years. She still considers herself mother of the year. We roll our eyes and ignore it. Sometimes it really is not worth the battle. When it comes time for either to be married even though I will know the children and she won’t. I will not expect to be recognized in their lives in that role. In the end it comes down to the fact that she gave birth to them.

Post # 5
959 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

I’m going respectfully disagree with the previous post. The decision is up to your Fiance and only him. If he doesn’t want to dance with his mother for xy reason then that’s fine. Just because that’s his mother doesn’t mean he has to dance with her despite their past. There are some grooms who skip the mother/son dance entirely for whatever reason they may have and they have great relationships with them.

My Fiance was very close in not doing the mother/son dance but then reconsidred. Although Fiance loves his mom, they are like salt and pepper shakers….they clash a lot! In fact, Fiance has a better relationship with my mom.

Whether your Fiance decides to dance or not to dance with his mom it doesn’t mean he doesn’t respect or care for her. He just doesn’t want to and he shouldn’t feel like he needs to. Since, it’s his decision he will need to break the news to his mom and it would be best before the wedding. It would avoid any scene like a PP mentioned and it will give her time to accept your FI’s decision.

I wish you all the best!

Post # 6
705 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Giving birth to a kid doesn’t really mean that anyone deserves anything.  Any old idiot can get knocked up and give birth–teenagers and adults alike do it on accident all the time.  It has happened nearly 7 billion times over the course of the oldest person alive’s lifespan.  It takes someone special to raise and care for their children.  

OP, don’t give in to the “she’s his mother” bullshit.  If your Fiance does not wish to include his mother in the wedding events, then he should not.  You are not comfortable including her in wedding events, so you should not.  Just because she got knocked up and gave birth to your fiance does not guarantee her a place in his adult life.  

He should tell her now, rather than later, that he is not doing a mother/son dance and that you do not feel comfortable having her there when you get ready.  While she was a crappy mom, he shouldn’t let her think that these things are happening and then disappoint her the day of.  Telling her now will give her time to get over it before the wedding and will send her a clear message of where your boundaries are.

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