Post # 1
So I could probably make this very long, but I am going to try very hard to keep it fairly concise. My fiance’s mother is really starting to wear on me. The back story on her and our relationship with her is this: When my fiance was growing up both of his parents were drug addicts and definitely were not great parents (I am being nice). For instance when my now fiance and I were first dating he told me that I had cooked more meals for him in one month of dating than his mom did during his entire life. Turns out that was the tip of the iceberg. His mom left when he was 10 and she only saw him once a year or so because she “couldn’t afford the gas”. While his dad made mistakes while raising my fiance he has realized that and has tried to do a lot of him after he became clean. His mom on the other hand has made no appologies and appears to believe that she has done nothing wrong. Now that we are engaged she wants all the credit and all the rewards of being a mother, without having put in any of the work.
She has already told me to call her mom, something I will never be comfortable with because I do not see her as a motherly figure. She invite herself to come dress shopping with me and my mom when my mom goes to pick out her mother of the bride dress. Luckily my mom was there and told her that she really wanted that to be something that was just between her and me. Just last weekend she told me that she wanted to get ready with me on the day of the wedding and for special circumstances with the venue that is not really possibility, but I still have a feeling she is going to push it. Finally, last weekend we went to a wedding and they did a mother/son dance. The entire time she was saying to me and my fiance “I’m gonna get one of those” and instead of telling her that he did not want to do one with her he kept making jokes.
Now I know that my fiance does not like dealing with his mother, but I do not know how to either. I don’t know if we should tell her before the wedding that there will really be no mother/ son dance, or if we should ignore it and just not have one on our wedding day. I am so close with both of my parents and they did a wonderful job raising me and supporting me through college and graduate school, so I will definitely be having a father/ daughter dance, and I will definitely include my mom in everything, but since my fiance and his mom do not have a relationship I do not feel like I need to include her in anything and at the same time don’t know how to tell her.
I could use some advice, so please help! Is there anyone out ther with similar experiences?? So much for keeping it short, haha.
Post # 3
I would tell her before the wedding, I don’t think you want that scene at your wedding and this should be handled by your fi. He is going to gave to get used to dealing with her and he should start with this. Maybe with your helping him with approach and what to say he will be better able to handle her in the future. This is one of those times that it’s the woman behind the man!
Post # 4
First of all she may not have been a good mother. But she is his mother. If you are honoring your father then I believe she needs to be honored as well. My personal opinion is suck it up and deal. She deserves respect in the fact that she gave birth to him.
My stepchildren have not seen their mother in over 2 years. She still considers herself mother of the year. We roll our eyes and ignore it. Sometimes it really is not worth the battle. When it comes time for either to be married even though I will know the children and she won’t. I will not expect to be recognized in their lives in that role. In the end it comes down to the fact that she gave birth to them.
Post # 5
I’m going respectfully disagree with the previous post. The decision is up to your Fiance and only him. If he doesn’t want to dance with his mother for xy reason then that’s fine. Just because that’s his mother doesn’t mean he has to dance with her despite their past. There are some grooms who skip the mother/son dance entirely for whatever reason they may have and they have great relationships with them.
My Fiance was very close in not doing the mother/son dance but then reconsidred. Although Fiance loves his mom, they are like salt and pepper shakers….they clash a lot! In fact, Fiance has a better relationship with my mom.
Whether your Fiance decides to dance or not to dance with his mom it doesn’t mean he doesn’t respect or care for her. He just doesn’t want to and he shouldn’t feel like he needs to. Since, it’s his decision he will need to break the news to his mom and it would be best before the wedding. It would avoid any scene like a PP mentioned and it will give her time to accept your FI’s decision.
I wish you all the best!
Post # 6
Giving birth to a kid doesn’t really mean that anyone deserves anything. Any old idiot can get knocked up and give birth–teenagers and adults alike do it on accident all the time. It has happened nearly 7 billion times over the course of the oldest person alive’s lifespan. It takes someone special to raise and care for their children.
OP, don’t give in to the “she’s his mother” bullshit. If your Fiance does not wish to include his mother in the wedding events, then he should not. You are not comfortable including her in wedding events, so you should not. Just because she got knocked up and gave birth to your fiance does not guarantee her a place in his adult life.
He should tell her now, rather than later, that he is not doing a mother/son dance and that you do not feel comfortable having her there when you get ready. While she was a crappy mom, he shouldn’t let her think that these things are happening and then disappoint her the day of. Telling her now will give her time to get over it before the wedding and will send her a clear message of where your boundaries are.