Post # 1
Good evening Bees! This is my first post to this site. I have learned alot from many of you laides. I have a few things looming over our short engagement that I feel I could use some guidence on. My fiance and I have been together for 9 Months. We are getting married in less than six months on May 15!! We are both very excited.
Due to the length of our short relationship I have not met his extended family- his mother keeps asking about us having an Engagement party so I can meet them but I feel its silly to do being so close to our wedding date… Thoughts??
Also, theres the money issue. Not only does she want us to have the party but they have made no mention to weather or not they will be helping us plan and or pay for the wedding. My Fiance brother got married and they put out about 22k to cover radom things in their 35k wedding. Which to me is crazy, with my entire budget being $5,000.00 Most of the money that we are using to pay for the wedding will be coming from tax returns and a refund I will be getting from school for an over payment on my tuition. We wont see the bulk of the money till the new year, so paying for an engagement party would be very hard.
Is it acceptable to inquire if they are going to want to help us with the wedding??
Do we agree to the engagement party?
They have not gone out of their way to discuss any plans about the wedding or their intentions, thoughts, hopes or even offered a congratulations…
The Future Mrs.Campfield.
Post # 3
Tell your Future Mother-In-Law it is not proper etiquette to throw yourselves a party. If she wants to throw you one, it is up to you and your Fiance to accept or not. It is also not okay to ask for money for your wedding, if they wanted to pay for it, they would offer 🙂 I imagine their hesitancy to offer congratulations or discuss your upcoming nuptials is due to your extremely short relationship 🙂 Good luck!
Post # 4
@Belle2Be: thanks for the reply. We agreed that we were going to pay for the wedding ourselves, but needed to keep it to the smaller side. His dad on the other hand has made it well known that because of a family battle that has been taking place he wanted all of his 19 brothers and sisters invited so that he wasn’t in the middle of taking sides. This makes a HUGE increase to our guest list for our wedding that we simply can’t afford. We have no intention of asking for financial help, I just want them to be happy for him and I.
My parents aren’t nearly as well off as his but have gone through great efforts to be able to do the same for me as they did for my sister. They bought me my dress, my mom is doing all of my bridal party alterations (she does bridal alterations out of her house) and is going to help decorate the hall, put together my invites, and make all my floral arrangements. My parents are set on doing things equal for all of their children… I just wish I knew if his parents felt the same way…
Post # 5
@future.mrs.campfield: Re: his dad, you need to have your Fiance sit down with his parents and let them know that the guest list is limited to who you both want to invite, and any additional guests that his parents think HAVE to be there have to be covered by them.
Post # 7
I disagree that it is inappropriate to ask them to assist with financing the wedding especially if they spent $22,000 on his brother’s wedding.
I would ask my Fiance to sit down with them and say that you were planning on paying for the wedding yourself but you are unable to accomodate their wishes in your budget.
If they are willing to assist, you could discuss what changes could be made .
What amount, if any, are they willing to contribute?
You are also willing to have the engagement party they want if they are willing to host it.
Post # 8
Thats kind of how I felt. I think that if the coversation takes place it is one that HE needs to have with his parents. When I told my parents there was no hesitation about the money coversation. I knew the financial position they were in and what they could and could not do.
His family on the other hand has money. Not that it makes a difference, but with out any hesitation they paid for his brothers wifes ring at 20k and then made a contribution as mentioned to the wedding, which I found out about ten minutes ago.
Is it terrible of me to want to think that they would be willing to help us out too?
Post # 9
@future.mrs.campfield:It’s not terrible, but again, they know they have money, and if they wanted to pay, they would offer. Asking is in very poor taste, regardless of if they payed for a sibilings wedding. Plan the wedding you can afford.
Post # 10
OK, deep breaths. Like everyone said, its not proper to throw yourself an engagement party. Now, if you guys want to plan a less formal family get together then that can happen.
I never really understand pushy parents on either side who make requests, demands, etc without offering up assistance. I agree with everyone else, he’s going to need to make arrangement with his family or else things will get ugly.
Perhaps his family will be more willing and supportive once they meet your family?! How far apart do your families live? Can you get your parents together for dinner or something? Perhaps all this unknown stuff being that this is a short relationship is not making them as open as you’d hoped for.
Like you parents, mine try to be very fair. They’re also very concerned that we work with my FI’s family on what they want. My mom hates when a wedding is all about a bride and the groom and his family has no say.
For some people, wedding= crazy. You’ve got to find the most diplomatic way to get things across. If you can’t afford more things then you can’t afford it. You shouldn’t have to be apologetic and his family should be understanding and either respect this or offer to help. If not, your Fiance will have to have a lesson in standing up to his family as an independant man. You’re going to be his wife and you will be his family so he’ll have to step in on behalf of your wishes as a couple 🙂
Post # 11
Is it acceptable to inquire if they are going to want to help us with the wedding??
No, if they want to help they will make the offer. Please remember that its really not your place at all to think they need to do the same or similar for you as they did for their other son – its just not your business.
As for the engagement party, its poor etiquette to throw a party in your own honor. If your FIL’s want a party they could throw one for you but if they don’t realize this on their own, you can’t really suggest it.
Post # 12
Suggestion: You can also have a very small, intimate Engagement Party for your families to meet. That’s what we did. We had already met each others’ immediate families, but our families had not met yet. We just met at a local Italian restaurant and had dinner. I won 2 Family Meals…so everyone ate with those. It wasn’t formal, so noone had to feel strange. It was a good time.
Post # 13
I think that for some parents, they are very protective of their children. Since you haven’t been together for very long, they may be hesitant to help based on if they think the marriage is a good idea or not. Some people have strong feelings about length of time before marriage, I’m not offering my opinon, just that fact.
Do you happen to know how long his brother and wife were together before the wedding? That could give you an idea of what they may be feeling.
Post # 14
- Wedding: March 2010 - Calamigos Ranch
When did it become not okay to ask parents to contribute to a wedding? I don’t think you should go in with expectations or demands, but I don’t think there’s anything wrong with saying, “FFIL, we would love to include your entire family, but we just don’t have it in the budget. Would you be willing to contribute a small amount to the wedding so that we can make sure no one is left out?”
As for the engagement party, you can tell them that you can’t afford and think it would be improper to throw your own engagement party, but that if they’d like to introduce you to their extended family you’d love to meet them. Let them figure out what that means. 😉
Post # 15
Oh, i would say if they spent 22k on the bros wedding (if it was their daughter it would be a diff story) they are most likely expecting to contribute to their other sons as well. How come your fiance hasn’t asked yet? It def would be his place to talk to them about it and not yours. They might want to throw the party for you, and just dont wanna offer if you dont want one (since they dont even know u!!) definitely have ur fiance talk to them asap!!
Post # 16
I disagree that it’s ever okay to ask people for money for your wedding. I’m of the belief that if you’re old enough to get married, you’re old enough to pay for your own wedding. I think that money from family for a wedding is a gift, and you should never request a gift – only accept it if given. But then, I am not the type to ask my parents for money for rent, school, car payments or that sort of thing while some people are, so I think you can gage that for yourself.
I do, however, think that if family is insisting on activites or things for the wedding (guest lists come to mind) that is over your budget its totally acceptable to tell them you don’t have room for that in the budget. If they want to then finance the stuff they find important then by all means, let them 🙂