Post # 1
While putting together our guest list, Mr. Classy and I have gotten very used to the “all or none” strategy. You want one of his cousins there? Then ALLLLL of them get an invite. Yeah, we know how it goes.
His mother is generally very aware of this rule, too. In fact, she’s very versed in etiquette rules. Which is why her latest request is weird to me…
Recently one of his aunts did something so bad that the rest of the family has sort of disowned her. I can see why it’s bad…but I don’t see it as pure evil like they do. Well, Future Mother-In-Law has requested we do not invite this aunt (or the young children that live with her). But she still wants us to include this aunt’s adult children as we had planned.
What? Can/should we do this?
I feel that this would be seen as a giant F-YOU from me to the aunt. But I kinda liked her from the brief conversations I’ve had with her. The Future Mother-In-Law says it would make all the other family feel very stressed to have her there, seeing as she has been disowned and all. I’m not even 100% sure they’ll still be pissed a year from now. This isn’t the first time they’ve kicked her out and brought her back in.
I’m supposed to send Save-The-Date Cards this weekend and I’m not sure what to do.
Post # 3
Hmmm the only way i think your FMIL has any say so is if she is paying for the wedding then that would be a tough one..
Post # 4
Yeah, she’s paying for a good portion. His parents are chipping in for about a third.
Post # 5
Oh man, with her paying for 1/3 that makes the situation so much harder. 🙁 yikes Let me think about this one longer
Post # 6
Okay sooo do you think she would pull that “if you invite her im not helping out”? Im just trying to get a feel of how she is?
Post # 7
She might yank the money…she certainly has gotten emotional about it before. I know I should still honor her wishes (within reason), but I already have her money in the bank.
I thought that by inviting certain aunts but not others I would be violating a major etiquette code. She’s all about proper etiquette, so she will obey the laws of Miss Manners.
Regardless of who pays, aren’t we breaking etiquette rules? Isn’t this the same as me saying “I only like 3 of my cousins so just invite those 3, not the other 10”?
Post # 8
How does your fiance feel about this? It seems to me that if you both get along with the aunt and both want her there, it would be reasonable to tell the Future Mother-In-Law that you’d feel uncomfortable kicking her out. As you mentioned, it’s entirely possible that this will all have blown over by August. It’s also entirely possible that the aunt may have no desire to come to the wedding if she doesn’t get along with the rest of the family or if she feels guilty about whatever happened. But of course that doesn’t really help your situation, sorry! To me this would really depend on exactly what she did (not that I expect you to tell us–I just mean that’s how you should decide it!). If it’s something that just pissed off a lot of family members but didn’t do lasting damage to anyone, then I’d say invite her, because every one screws up and in an ideal world, hopefully family should be able to forgive each other, or at least get along at a wedding. However, if it’s something that really hurt others who would be at the wedding and she hasn’t made any effort to try to fix the situation, then it would probably be best not to invite her. Then of course there’s the tricky middle ground–she hurt others, but has made an honest effort to apologize, make amends, etc.–then that’s a much trickier situation. Good luck!
Post # 9
Ooops, just saw your last reply. I’d say if you decide to invite her, you should be sure to stress the etiquette rule to the Future Mother-In-Law as a justification. That might make it easier for her to accept your decision! It’s a really good reason to invite her (unless it really will hurt other people to have her there), because having a general rule (like all aunts are invited) makes it much easier to figure out any guest list.
Post # 10
I’d say skip sending her an STD. It’s not super common to send them out, so she probably won’t even miss it. Most likely by the time you send invites you’ll know whether you wish to invite her or not.
Post # 11
@ WeeBirdy: When I heard about the offending behavior, I wasn’t appalled. My response was more like “Oh snap! What happened next?” meanwhile everyone else was angered and frustrated. She’s done this before, and she’s been disowned and re-accepted by the family before.
Mr. Classy and I get along with her just fine. We know to keep our distance a bit because we hear she’s a little loony. But she’s always treated me with respect (I cannot say the same for the Future Mother-In-Law making the request not to invite her).
@Toffee: I think you’re right. I can’t un-do sending the STD, but I can send the invite later. This is definitely the best plan of action for now.
Post # 12
I think you should not send the STD and, if things change, you can always send an invite. Since she is not talking to the rest of the family I imagine she won’t miss the STD. Is she talking to her adult children? I feel like inviting some of her children and not others may get complicated. I would want to avoid all possible family drama, even at the cost of breaking the rules. My mom and her sisters are currently not talking to one of 4 cousins and have all requested I invite the other 3 but not the one. She was invited to my cousin’s wedding 4 years ago right around when this drama started and didn’t show, now they asked that I just exclude her and pointed out that most likely she would not show anyway. She is not on our guest list. I would hate to have her show up and upset my mom.
Post # 13
Would it make a difference if the request had come from your mother and been regarding one of your family members instead of his? My mom approached me about not inviting 1 uncle of mine because of a long history of issues, particularly because she was concerned that he would act out/say inappropriate things at the wedding and make other guests uncomfortable. I felt fine with saying I wouldn’t invite this particular person.
If you are really close with the adult child, I would say invite them, but otherwise I would either invite all or not invite all of them. I would skip the Save-The-Date Cards for any of those family members and make a decision closer to the wedding with the invites.
Post # 14
I think you should let you Fiance and his family make the ultimate decision, since they’re the ones who will ultimately face the consequences of inviting/not inviting her. If she’s not invited, the aunt’s going to assume it was their decision, not yours. Also think about it this way: would this aunt want to attend an event where the only people she knew were giving her the silent treatment? She might be too embarrassed to come because it would be like a public shaming for her, but at the same time she might feel obligated if she got an invitation.
I think you’re right not to send a save the date and wait until invitation time to decide. However, I would also not send save the dates to her adult children- even if you know they’re going to be invited for sure, you don’t want them to tell her that save the dates went out. Then she would figure out that her invitation was uncertain at best.
Post # 15
I don’t think etiquette really has anything to do with it. At my neice’s wedding,my mother wanted her brothers and their wives invited,but excluded her sisters. She was much closer to her brothers her whole life and that’s the way she wanted it. No one felt it odd at all.
For both my daughter’s weddings, I’ve invited just one of my cousins and her husband and not the rest. That would have been 26 more people that my daughters don’t even know,so why would I? Then it seems like they were invited just for a gift.
I think your Future Mother-In-Law has the right to include or exclude whomever she wants.
Post # 16
Just a perspective from me, on the flip side.
There’s a cousin in FI’s mother’s family (daughter of FI’s godfather no less!) that for as long as I have known (10years!) had a huge falling out with her father. Apparently there has been zippo communication. When we started getting the guest list together Fi’s mother told us that we should invite her because evidently they have been trying to work things out. That was the first time we ever heard anything about it! We left her on the list for a little while. At the end of the day before we sent out the Save The Dates we (FI & I) decided not to invite her. We have no idea where the mom pulled out of the air that the cousin and FI’s godfather was patching things up but we have heard nothing.
Another scenario. Another female cousin from FI’s mother’s side. Daughter of another uncle. This female cousin went through a divorce and moved back home about 5 years ago. When she just got home she was super nice to everyone asking Fiance for help etc. We spent one very hot afternoon in her old house helping her move in. That was the last time we EVER heard from her. Flash forward 3 or so years back we threw FI’s parents a surprise anniversary party. That cousin never showed up. Never bothered to call or send a gift. Nada. Zip. Her mother brought her kids with her to the party. Her mother told us that she had to work so she could not come. Later on that day we found out from her kids that she was actually out on a date with a guy. WTF? A date with some random dude is more important than the anniversary party of your aunt & uncle? People who helped you out when you were in need? F that. We chose to not invite her.
So I think even though your future in laws are contributing (mine are as well) if you think they will respect you’s and FI’s decision you guys should do what you feel is best. And you’re right unless it’s something catastrophic in a years time the family may well forget about all the current drama. Because at the end of the day if you two do not invite her it will be you two that she holds the grudge against. Not the future in laws. JMO
Best of luck!