Post # 1
- Wedding: November 2015 - Ballroom
Hi Bees! I’ve been lurking on these boards for a few months, as I am planning my wedding for this coming November. My Future Mother-In-Law, who is a delightful woman, initially told me she had a few long-distance family members who she wanted me to send invitations to, full well knowing they would not be able to attend the wedding due to logistical and financial considerations. She then presented me with a list of 32 people – all but two of whom live locally. She then said that NONE of them would be attending, but they all just want to “see the invitation”. This troubles me on many fronts. Fiance and I are trying to edit our guest lists to a reasonable number given our budget, and adding 32 more people has just busted the budget wide open. FMIL and Future Father-In-Law are assisting us financially, but their contribution will not cover the additional 32 people. FMIL’s secondary reason for inviting these people is so they can give us gifts. I’ve gently tried to inform her that I feel this is not proper etiquette, but she’s sort of oblivious to that. These people are some of her semi-close friends, but I’ve not met a single one of them, and my Fiance could only identify about ten of them from the list. One of the people is my FMIL’s manicurist! I’m not inviting my OWN manicurist to the wedding. I don’t want to upset her, but I am not comfortable with including these people when we are excluding some of our actual friends and family members for budgetary reasons. Any advice on how to handle this?
Post # 2
- Wedding: May 2015 - Walnut Hill Bed & Breakfast
Tell her if they want to *see* it, she can show them her’s.
Post # 3
Do not send. She can email out a photo of the invite at a later date – hahha!
I will be sending invites to a handful of people I am 95% sure can’t make it. But these are people that are close to me, that I feel it’s courtesy to give an actual invite, and would be thrilled if they surprised me with a yes.
Do not not not send invites to people you wouldn’t want to have show up. A distant manicurist?!?
Post # 4
Inviting people just so they can “see the invitation” aka be compelled to give you gifts? Inviting FMIL’s manicurist, of all people? So much no.
Tell her in polite but no uncertain terms that (1) you’re not comfortable with people who don’t even know you feeling compelled to give you gifts; (2) you don’t have the budget to host them should they choose to attend (and if they were invited, they wouldn’t be in the wrong for attending); and (3) she can show them a picture of the invitation on her phone.
If, by any chance, you were considering giving her one extra invitation card with no envelope or RSVP card so she can physically show it to people, she may photocopy it and send it to the people she wants without your approval. There was a thread on here a few months ago about another bee’s Future Mother-In-Law who did something like that (the couple gave her X number of invitations based on the number of guests they allotted to her; she photocopied the invitations so she could send them to a much greater number of people). You didn’t bring that up, but I wanted to mention it anyway.
Post # 5
My Mother-In-Law wants to do the same thing, send inviations to her aunts and uncles/extended family across the country just so they feel special, not because they’re actually invited. Fiance can’t identify most names she brought up either. We had to tell her that this wedding is about my Fiance and I and we only want people there that are important to us. There were tears shed because she was hurt that the family that is important to her isn’t important to my Fiance, she offered to pay for the extra invitations but I was adament that we would not be inviting people who are not on the guest list. In the end I offered to send these people wedding announcements after the fact so that they feel included but it doesn’t interfere with the actual wedding which I thought was a good compromise.
Post # 6
Don’t send invitations to anyone you wouldn’t be ok with attending your wedding. Plain and simple.
I gave my mom an extra Save the Date and she’ll get an extra invitation to be able to show people. But you do not mail out invitations to “show” people…. LOL… what are you supposed to do? Write VOID or “*not an actual invitation* across it?
I’m in Texas and never expected my uncle in MONTANA would come…. but he’s already booked their hotel! So you just can’t count people in or out until RSVP’s come in, and then I’m sure there will still be changes.
Post # 7
mail it to 32 people just to SEE the invite.. I guarantee they will think that is a invite! She can take a photo of hers and show people
Post # 8
Your post could have been written by me two years ago. My Mother-In-Law wanted to send approximately 15 invites to people she guaranteed would not be able to come due to financial and logistical restrictions, saying it was a courtesy invite “just to be polite”, but also so we could get extra gifts. I was extremely hesitant but they were her long-distance family members and she was swearing that they would not attend, so we went ahead with it. There were two outcomes:
1. Several of the people DID attend, and did not give gifts due to the previously mentioned financial struggles. This stretched our numbers pretty tight.
2. Those that did not attend did not gift us (I would never have expected them to)
So long story short, don’t invite more people than you can comfortably afford & accomodate.
Post # 9
No. No. No. No….no. That’s just rude imo to send someone an invite and say oh its not real I just wanted you too see it…you don’t even know these people. She can show them hers or dhow them a phone picture
Post # 10
In some cultures they also send out announcements, for those not invited usually due to distance. Suggest that she buy announcements to match your invitations and then she can feel free to send them to her manicurist or whoever. I wouldn’t worry about the gifts thing, it won’t reflect badly on you, just her.
Post # 11
I think your Fiance should mediate here. Her request is unreasonable. How does she know that they won’t actually attend? My Future Mother-In-Law wants an extra invitation for FI’s grandparents who are too ill to travel to the wedding. I totally understand that. But I really don’t think that her manicurist cares at all about her clients’ sons’ wedding invitation. Inviting an extra 32 people just creates too big a risk that they will actually attend and destroy your budget. Plus it’s just rude to invite people without actually wanting or expecting them to attend. And I won’t even get into the gift thing. I’m sure your Future Mother-In-Law is just really excited and not trying to be rude, but you and your Fiance need to put your foot down on this one.
Post # 12
My daughter’s Mother-In-Law is really close to her church “family.” She wanted to send invitations to 100 of them and said they wouldn’t come; the wedding was 3.5 hours from their home city. We didn’t send them. The venue only held 100 people, to begin with, and I doubt the groom had even met almost all of those people. I told her she was welcome to mail them announcements, after the wedding.
The MIL’s mother wanted invitations sent to her friends. She insisted they told her that they wanted to send gifts, so they should receive invitations. I told my daughter it seemed gift greedy, since the ladies were 75+ and wouldn’t travel 3.5 hours, to a wedding. We sent 4 save the dates and Etsy (handmade invitations/handmade paper) to those friends. Cost plus postage $50 and only 1 RSVPd; gifts zilch. They should have just gotten announcements, like the church friends.
Post # 13
Tell her you will be glad to give her any extras after the wedding. Her idea is a recipe for disaster.
Post # 14
Is your invitation so extraordinary that these people will have never seen anything like it?
I would NOT send 32 invitations to these extra people. If there are any on the list that you know are close friends of hers, then perhaps you could consider one or a few extra invites. One way to explain to her may be that you want a more intimate reception with only YOUR closest family and friends, or if you explain your budgets, space restrictions and costs to her specificially perhaps she could understand.
Back to your invitation: Is there a photo on it or something that makes it special? If so, maybe you could print 32 copies of the photo out and let her mail it to her friends instead.
….and I agree with you, fishing for gifts is just ugly.
Post # 15
I just wanna say… this is 100% my parents wedding. My grandparents live in a small town in Spain, and paid and planned the entire thing (my parents were still in the USA–they flew over for the wedding… my mom just bought the gown). Half the guest list were friends of my grandparents… the other half my dad’s friends… my parents reportedly recieved at least $20k worth of gifts from all of my grandparents friends.
So I’m just saying, it’s not totally untraditional.
That said, I wouldn’t do it if I were you!! Way too dangerous they might come and you’ll end up paying a lot more, and have a lot of extra people at your wedding who you don’t even know.