(Closed) FMIL wants to give us a lot of $$$ – FI says NO WAY

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
Member
92 posts
Worker bee

I would take the money from her and tell him I accepted it as an individual,  and it has nothing to do with him. I would say,  “I don’t have any objections to graciously accepting this gift. I understand that you don’t want it, but I do.” I wouldn’t let him boss me around and say no for the both of us. Then hopefully he’d cool off by the time getting a house rolled around and would realize it’s best spent as a down payment.@skippydarling:  

 

Post # 19
Member
7371 posts
Busy Beekeeper

@always:  Are you serious? That’s not how to start off a happy marriage IMO. If my SO went behind my back to do something with MY FAMILY that we discussed as couple to not do, it there would be hell to pay. 

Post # 20
Member
6891 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

That’s really awkward.

Is there a specific reason he doesn’t want it? Did his siblings have bad experiences? Does his mom not really have the money to give but is offering out of fairness?

In your shoes, I would need some reasons for WHY he was saying no on behalf of both of us.

I agree with PPs that it is his call, but as a half of that couple, I’d need to hear some sound reasoning.

Post # 21
Member
424 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

Well that’s his mok, his call. If I were you, I would just stay out of it

Post # 22
Member
10363 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

@always:  “I would take the money from her and tell him I accepted it as an individual”

Yeah, in a marriage, that doesn’t fly. If finances are joint, this is a total and utter breech of trust. It’s his mom, his baggage with her. If he has good reasons to not accept the money, OP should respect that. And, OP – you should definitely delve deeper into this and find out WHY he doesn’t want it. There may be an undercurrent of issues there that are important to understand.

Post # 23
Member
922 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

@skippydarling:  My Fiance keeps saying that he’s sure his parents will offer to help pay for our wedding reception…but I don’t want anybody spending thousands on just one day.  Even though I don’t like his parents, I think they should be putting that money towards their retirement.  And like PPs have suggested, your Fiance may not want to feel ‘beholden’ towards his mother in the future.

Post # 25
Member
9134 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

Maybe he knows that she uses the money against the other siblings and holds it over their heads when she wants something.  Not all money is given with no strings attached.

Post # 27
Member
497 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

I think you should talk to him and try to get an understanding of why he’s turning it down.

Post # 28
Member
264 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Personally, I think this is one of those situations where you need to trust your husband’s judgement on this. He knows his family and he knows how they tick. But I would want to get to the bottom of it so that I understood explicity why WE’RE not accepting this “gift”.

Did the relationshp between the mother -sibling change when money wss accepted?

Did the mother take the act of giving this “gift” as carte blanche to comment on their wedding? make changes? gossip about the wedding? their marriage? etc.

Did she give the money to the sibling; but, ask him for money or talk poorly about the sibling?

Is she in a bad financial state but giving up the money to give the appearance of having everything together?

There are too many variables and I would defer to my husband to help me understand what’s going on. Of course, it may be as simple as your husband wants to prove he can stand on his own and doesn’t need help.

Either way, don’t fall into the trap of taking this money secretly.  There’s an old saying “what’s done in the dark will come to light”.  There’s no sense in starting off your marriage with this darkness that will only cause issues between you and him.

@skippydarling:  

Post # 29
Member
347 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@skippydarling:  My Mother-In-Law did the same to us, except I didn’t want to accept it and Darling Husband wanted to which we did. We already bought a house last year and just had our wedding so we’re just keeping it for a rainy day for now.

Post # 30
Member
1093 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Oh man, i think it’s cause i grew up poor and practical, but i’d take the money! Not without your FI’s approval of course, but i’d be all over him to take it!

Post # 31
Member
8440 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

@skippydarling:  If you and your Fiance are planning on having children, would he let his mom put it into a high yield account for their future college fund?

The topic ‘FMIL wants to give us a lot of $$$ – FI says NO WAY’ is closed to new replies.

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