Post # 17
I would take the money from her and tell him I accepted it as an individual, and it has nothing to do with him. I would say, “I don’t have any objections to graciously accepting this gift. I understand that you don’t want it, but I do.” I wouldn’t let him boss me around and say no for the both of us. Then hopefully he’d cool off by the time getting a house rolled around and would realize it’s best spent as a down payment.@skippydarling:
Post # 18
@always: Yea – part of my brain is like “well that’s my money too you’re turning down there, buddy” And she has told him the same thing. Still – he won’t budge.
Post # 19
@always: Are you serious? That’s not how to start off a happy marriage IMO. If my SO went behind my back to do something with MY FAMILY that we discussed as couple to not do, it there would be hell to pay.
Post # 20
That’s really awkward.
Is there a specific reason he doesn’t want it? Did his siblings have bad experiences? Does his mom not really have the money to give but is offering out of fairness?
In your shoes, I would need some reasons for WHY he was saying no on behalf of both of us.
I agree with PPs that it is his call, but as a half of that couple, I’d need to hear some sound reasoning.
Post # 21
Well that’s his mok, his call. If I were you, I would just stay out of it
Post # 22
@always: “I would take the money from her and tell him I accepted it as an individual”
Yeah, in a marriage, that doesn’t fly. If finances are joint, this is a total and utter breech of trust. It’s his mom, his baggage with her. If he has good reasons to not accept the money, OP should respect that. And, OP – you should definitely delve deeper into this and find out WHY he doesn’t want it. There may be an undercurrent of issues there that are important to understand.
Post # 23
@skippydarling: My Fiance keeps saying that he’s sure his parents will offer to help pay for our wedding reception…but I don’t want anybody spending thousands on just one day. Even though I don’t like his parents, I think they should be putting that money towards their retirement. And like PPs have suggested, your Fiance may not want to feel ‘beholden’ towards his mother in the future.
Post # 24
@Baal: Yea – well this wouldn’t go towards the wedding
Post # 25
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
Maybe he knows that she uses the money against the other siblings and holds it over their heads when she wants something. Not all money is given with no strings attached.
Post # 26
@crayfish: I don’t think there’s too much to look into.
I think he just feels that she paid for his student loans so he doesn’t feel right taking the money from her. Pride, wanting to do it on his own. All very good reasons but I don’t think any of them are very dramatic
Post # 27
I think you should talk to him and try to get an understanding of why he’s turning it down.
Post # 28
Personally, I think this is one of those situations where you need to trust your husband’s judgement on this. He knows his family and he knows how they tick. But I would want to get to the bottom of it so that I understood explicity why WE’RE not accepting this “gift”.
Did the relationshp between the mother -sibling change when money wss accepted?
Did the mother take the act of giving this “gift” as carte blanche to comment on their wedding? make changes? gossip about the wedding? their marriage? etc.
Did she give the money to the sibling; but, ask him for money or talk poorly about the sibling?
Is she in a bad financial state but giving up the money to give the appearance of having everything together?
There are too many variables and I would defer to my husband to help me understand what’s going on. Of course, it may be as simple as your husband wants to prove he can stand on his own and doesn’t need help.
Either way, don’t fall into the trap of taking this money secretly. There’s an old saying “what’s done in the dark will come to light”. There’s no sense in starting off your marriage with this darkness that will only cause issues between you and him.
Post # 29
@skippydarling: My Mother-In-Law did the same to us, except I didn’t want to accept it and Darling Husband wanted to which we did. We already bought a house last year and just had our wedding so we’re just keeping it for a rainy day for now.
Post # 30
Oh man, i think it’s cause i grew up poor and practical, but i’d take the money! Not without your FI’s approval of course, but i’d be all over him to take it!
Post # 31
@skippydarling: If you and your Fiance are planning on having children, would he let his mom put it into a high yield account for their future college fund?