(Closed) FMIL wants to live with us… help me :

posted 10 years ago in Family
  • poll: Should my FMIL live with us?

    YES - We should be supporting her. It's not worth the drama to say no. On principle, it's just fair.

    NO - She's crazy, you'll go crazy!

    OTHER - Please explain below :)

  • Post # 3
    7172 posts
    Busy Beekeeper

    I’d be upfront with Fiance and talk to him about it.  I’m assuming the two of you currently live together.  Maybe the compromise is that Fiance moves back home to help his mom cope (if he feels strongly about it).  I do not think you caving will help ANYTHING.  I think it would be better to be upfront with how you feel, vs. caving and having to deal with a nightmare in your home.  

    ETA:  missed the part where it’s you, him, and your daughter.  My answer is: HELL NO.  FMIL figures out her own life and Fiance needs to stay with you both.

    Post # 4
    4136 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: May 2011

    if her other son lives with her already, there’s absolutely no reason for her to move in with you. i wouldn’t budge…tell your fi all the reasons you wrote about here (ease up on the “your mother is crazy” vent when you talk to him though).

    Post # 6
    206 posts
    Helper bee

    I agree with @kitzy. Also, if she already has a feeling that she will be so depressed that she wont be able to care for herself she might consider seeking some professional help now… you know, before it gets to that point.

    ETA: “FMIL is currently boycotting the hospital b’cuz she claims Father-In-Law used to physically abusive (not true), and she’s resentful that she’s having to foot the bill for “a condition he himself caused”.”

    If this is the case I don’t understand why she would be that heartbroken either.

    Post # 7
    6889 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: March 2012

    If you budge on this, I can see it spiralling and you guys never getting rid of her. I’d stay strong on this issue – you are the one that would have to deal with her the most from what it sounds like. 

    Sorry you’re in this situation. My Future Father-In-Law has borderline-personality disorder (diagnosed) and he can be hard to handle. It does help knowing that he isn’t entirely in control of that — but, of course he refuses any treatment.

    Post # 10
    10844 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2010

    I totally agree with kitzy, if her other son is already living with her it makes no sense whatsoever for her to move in with you guys. I’m sorry for the hard times you guys are going through, but having this added stress is not going to do anyone any favours that’s for sure! There’s no way in heck I would agree to let her move in.

    Post # 11
    1275 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2011

    I’m sorry you have to go through this! I don’t understand why she is boycotting the hospital, yet needs to live with you. I’m sure she is having a rough time dealing with your Future Father-In-Law. You Fiance needs to call her out on the immaturity and explain that you need to focus on being your own family instead of having other family members live with you. I can’t imagine living with someone like that, especially in an apartment where you can’t get away from them. I like how your Fiance has offered to live with her and is working for a solution during this rough time. However, when your mom lived with you, you had an end date (when her house was ready). If your Future Mother-In-Law moves in, does she plan on being out in 3 months since thats when your mom left? It sounds immature and I think by having convos with your Fiance, you are doing the right thing. Good luck!

    Post # 12
    305 posts
    Helper bee

    I hate to say this but I don’t think there is going to be anything “temporary” about this arrangement.  With your mother at least there was a projected goal – the rebuilding of her house.  With your Future Mother-In-Law, not so much.

    Can you imagine the trouble to get her to say when she’s “emotionally ready to live by herself”?  This could be something that takes months to even years for her to be ready, assuming that it happens at all.

    I think you need to have a very long talk with your FH.  Point out to him your concerns for the future and your child.  Does he agree with your concerns over her parenting skills and your child?

    If she acted this erratic before your Father-In-Law got sick, its not going to get any better if he doesn’t recover.  Maybe the best thing you and your Fiance can do for her would be to get her into some sort of counseling to prepare her for what is going to happen.

    Good luck!

    Post # 13
    305 posts
    Helper bee

    Sorry, I didn’t see that she’s already refused counseling.  I’m afraid I don’t know what to tell you than other than see if you can get your FH to fully think about and explain why he wants her to live in your apartment.  Maybe ask him if he has any plans to ask her to leave in the future?  And see if he acknowledges the future difficulty.

    Post # 14
    216 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: August 2010

    Erm… if I was you, That would be a big fat NO. You have your own family unit now. Of course, you’ll want to be supportive of her in her time of need, but she also needs to realize that your Fiance is losing his father. He’ll need your support too.

    Post # 15
    625 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: January 2012

    I would say no, you have an appt how is that even possible for her to think she’s going to live with you, Your mom staying was an extreme situation, I would compromise and say if you don’t want to be alone, your son will come to your house and stay with you a couple times a week. (better then her being in your apt!)

    Good luck!


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