Post # 1
We haven’t even been engaged for a week yet…. and the woman is controlling EVERYTHING.
On Christmas, in front of everyone, she said, “OF COURSE Future Sister-In-Law will be a bridesmaid! how fun!”
…um. She’s 15. We’re close, but I have my BM’s picked out. Fiance and I had thought we’d have her play her violin during the ceremony … and of course, she can hang with the girls while getting ready, but not as a bridesmaid. All of my bridesmaids will be close to 30! And she is too young to be considered a Junior Bridesmaid. *sigh*
She’s a part-time wedding DJ herself … but really low budget. She insisted we use her DJ partner as our DJ… and then said he offered to gift us his services (free dj). The problem? He’s the tackiest DJ ever… props, chicken dance, etc. Also, Future Father-In-Law can’t stand him. We told Future Mother-In-Law thanks, but we’ll figure our DJ out on our own. She again, INSISTED. We explained why and she just blew off our concerns AND said we HAD to play the chicken dance at our wedding.
Side note: Her DJ partner just had a stroke and has barely even moved back to his own house. He doesn’t know for sure if he’ll be able to even work in July.
She wants to come look at the venue with us this weekend. This is our number one choice… we’ve already seen the contract and… if we book by the 31st, we get a significant discount. BUT… she keeps pushing other venues on us. WE didn’t come across this decision lightly. We looked all over for a venue that was just what we wanted.
I’m afraid of what this site visit is going to be like. She has such a dominate personality. She used to be an on-air radio personality and is just always on. She’s going wedding dress shopping with me too … this is after she tried to give me the most hiddeous, 1980’s dress with shoulder pads that she had from a thrift store so I could wear it for my dress.
Also… we are paying for the wedding all on our own.
*sigh* Pardon my rant. I guess I need to just be a little more aggressive with her, as does Fiance. I promise she isn’t this obnoxious in our regular lives. :/
Post # 3
I’m confused, I thought junior bridesmaids were typically between 12-17? I’ve been to a few weddings with girls around the age of 15 as JBMs, so it is a possibility. That said, if you have your wedding party picked out and you are still finding a way to include Future Sister-In-Law, then I’d talk to her and ask her if she’d play the music and if she’s excited about it tell Future Mother-In-Law that you’ve found a special part for her.
Ugh, she sounds like an absolute nightmare to deal with. I’m VERY introverted and have trouble with dominant personalities – they tend to easily overpower me, and most know they can do so. If you’re paying for it yourselves, then I think it’s best if you sit down with her and say, “This is what we want and have our hearts set on. We will gladly accept your input, but the decisions are going to remain ours.”
Post # 4
Here’s what you do whenever she gives you an ‘idea’ or a ‘of course you will do this’.
1) You smile your sweetest most sincere smile
2) You look her directly in the eyes
3) You say something like: -Thank you for that idea, I haven’t made a decision yet, but I’ll take that into consideration. OR – Thank you for the suggestion. (and say nothing else!)
You basically acknowledge what they said, thank them for their idea, and then go do whatever the heck you want! 🙂 If she asks about it again – you say: WE decided to do ‘x’. If she makes a fuss about it, you say: I’m sorry you are disappointed in our choice, but it’s what Fiance and I decided would be best.
END OF STORY
I dealt with this so much in my wedding planning. What you have to realize is the suggestions are really well intended and what the person telling you feels would be best. But, guess what – it’s not their wedding, it’s yours. And, at the end of the day, it’s your and FI’s decision to make. The more you can practice using the above, the better off things will be. And, trust me – you will get a LOT of practice doing that because you will get suggestions coming at you from EVERYONE and EVERYWHERE! (it helps take the edge off when you realize they are trying to be helpful in their own SPECIAL way) 😉
Post # 5
wow! It seems like we are in very similar boats. My Future Mother-In-Law is a control-freak and since we’ve been engaged it’s been a constant battle with her over the wedding details. She’s tried to talk us out of the venue we love because it was “too expensive.” (it’s only $200) She LIED to me and said that the Flower Girl dress I wanted was sold out and bought an ugly one that she loved instead. She’s trying to get us to invite HER friends that Fiance barely even knows. I understand that she wants to feel included, but we’re paying for this wedding ourselves and this is OUR day, not hers. And the most recent control-freak move is her holding FI’s wedding band hostage. We left it with her because we had nowhere to put it, but now we have a safe and she still won’t give it back. It’s a very annoying situation but you just have to stick to your guns. Don’t allow her to push her opinions over on you especially if she isn’t paying. It’s your wedding, and if you can afford what you want, by all means HAVE IT. I know it’s a lot easier said than done because I’m still battling my Future Mother-In-Law for control, but don’t let her bring you down. Tell her nicely that’s its YOUR wedding and you’re going to do it the way you want. And although you appreciate her help, you’d appreciate her backing off a little.
Post # 6
I can relate. My Future Mother-In-Law wants to wear a fully beaded strapless sparkly gown to my small intimate Destination Wedding. Everytime my Future Mother-In-Law tries to say something to me about what I should do, I tell her I’m being “budget conscious” then she shushes, because she has given us nothing.
Also, has your Fiance said anything to her? He should tell her nicely to tone it down. My Fiance did and she has shut up to him, not to me of course.
Post # 7
@JuniperSage: My Mother-In-Law had an absolute melt down (as in, snarky emails, crying phone calls, etc.) because we included his baby brother (he was 4 at the time) as a ringbearer but not his 6 year old baby brother (we have a 6 year old nephew on my side who we are very close with too, and we didn’t want a parade of ring bearers going down the aisle). The six year old still wore a tux and assisted with passing out things in the lobby (along with our nephews), and is included in ALL of the pictures. I really don’t think he cared at all, she was just looking for reasons to complain.
She also was really mad at us for using our wedding photographer for engagement pics instead of her (she’s not professional, just has a nice camera).
Don’t get me wrong, I love her and she means well, but she added a lot of unecessary stress. Do things exactly as you want to, and acknowledge her input. But this is YOUR day, and it should be how YOU (as a couple) want it.
Post # 8
@MissCalifornia: Second that. Jr bridesmaids are usually in the “teenage” range. I think at 15 she could definitely fit in as a Jr.
You may want to add her as a Jr just to keep the peace. Sometimes it’s better to just suck up the small stuff in order to keep the drama to a minimal. I wouldn’t stand for her controlling your wedding though. Especially when you are the ones paying for it. Just do what I do when my Future Mother-In-Law suggest something for the wedding: say “What a great idea. I will think about that.” Then just never bring it up again. It seems to work for me 😛
Post # 9
Not fun! My advice is put your big girl panties on, get aggressive and set the tone now that she is respected but not incharge of YOUR wedding. Good luck!
Post # 10
My advice to you is to talk to your Fiance, and have him talk to his family. He needs to be firm with her and say you appreciate her advice, but you’d like to figure out your own wedding as a couple. Tell her if/when you need her advice or help, you will happily come and ask her, but at this point, it’s not required. It needs to come from him, and he needs to back it up by following through with not involving her when you don’t want her involved.
My Future Mother-In-Law is very excited to help, but has said several times she doesn’t want to step on toes. She’s really involved, but she waits to be asked/included. I love that about her!
Post # 11
My Future Mother-In-Law and Future Sister-In-Law are both very loud, opinionated, used to getting their way by badgering people, and strong personalities. I think they got it in their heads that I was the opposite because they really only see me when I come in from out of state to their house…and in their home I’m very go-with-the-flow because, hey, its not my house. So they are pretty surprised and frustrated to see that when it comes to MY life and MY wedding that I’m pretty damn opinionated, I have an extremely big and strong personality, and I don’t let anyone boss me around (which is the version of me that Fiance and everyone else knows). the Future In-Laws thought they would be able to just pick and plan what they wanted without me saying a word, and they have now turned to attempts at manipulation to get their way.
Honestly, all you can do is to be very straightforward and very clear–“FI and I have decided we are doing it this way”, don’t ask for her opinion or approval. Make it clear you are inviting her to look at venues/florists/invitations because “we want you to see what we have decided on” or “we want you to get to know the venue that is our first choice”….make it clear she is there simply to get to experience wedding planning, but not to take a lead role–you and your Fiance are in charge, she is an invited guest.
Post # 12
I agree with previous posters’ comments. Definitely talk to your Fiance and put. your. feet. down. I had to deal with this as well as several temper tantrums from the Mother-In-Law the week of and after the wedding and it is not fun. Thankfully, Darling Husband was on board and didn’t need me to point out that anything was wrong :o)