Post # 1
I despertly need some help here…..
My future mother-in-law and future father-in-law divorced 4 years ago, and it was not a good thing. All their children are grown and out of the house, and my fiance is the youngest at 31. However, it wasn’t a good thing (they had been married 30+ years and she didn’t expect it) and they haven’t spoken in years. With that, my future siblings-in-law also haven’t spoken to their father in years, and are quite hostile (they refer to their dad as “the asshole”) about the whole situation. His mom (my FMIL) can’t talk about her ex-husband without crying. Soooooo, how do we do this wedding?!?!?!?! Finances aren’t a discussion (neither are contributing anything), just overall how to survive the event.
Any suggestions as to how to get them together before the wedding? I was thinking the engagment party, but if my FMIL and FSIL find out he’s coming, they won’t even come. I don’t want sobbing at my wedding, but how should I get them together? My fiance has a good relationship with everyone, including his father. We want them to come together and just agree to all behave and enjoy the wedding, but I’m worried. His father (my FFIL) already remarried, and he and his new wife love to dance. I know they will tear up the dance floor at the wedding, and his mom (my FMIL) will just sit there and be embarrased and sad. How can I do this??? I am stressing out about this so much, and hate tense discussions about the wedding with FMIL and FSIL.
HELP ME PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Post # 3
Oh no! Your poor FMIL! How awful–I feel so bad for her.
But it has been 4 years and I see you have almost another year to go before this is an issue. If she’s still dissolving into tears when she talks about him, I wonder if maybe she’s depressed or needs some help moving on? Perhaps your FI could gently suggest that she see a counselor or therapist to help her process this. And who’s to say she won’t be dating someone by next May? Has she made any effort to get back out there?
Since your FI is on good terms with his dad, I would also definitely have a firm talk with him at some point about the wedding. Yes, he and his wife should enjoy themselves, but they should not be “tearing up the dance floor” or otherwise attracting lots of attention. They should be there to support you, and part of that means not stepping on any toes or causing avoidable awkwardness.
Post # 4
I don’t think you should try to force them together before the wedding. This is a complicated situation and you don’t need to fix it. Your FI needs to be the one to talk with both his parents and be honest and open. He needs to let your mom know what events your FFIL and FSMIL will attend, so she can prepare herself. He could even ask her what circumstances would make her most comfortable and try to do those things within reason (but not give in to calls for FFIL to not attend events). He should also talk with his father and let him know how sensitive FMIL still is, so could he please keep it lowkey.
Itd be nice if people could act like adults, especially at a wedding, but they don’t always. Dont try to patch things up between them, take each issue as it comes up, let FI do all the talking, and let it roll off your back. Keep your focus on your happiness for the wedding & don’t let them stress you out!
Post # 5
What mowi said, this isn’t yours to fix but your fi needs to talk the them all individually and let him know what the expectations are!
Post # 6
@mrgsave: Sit down and talk with everyone. I think the important thing to realize is that the wedding is you and your FH day. Everyone needs to put their feelings aside and make the day a great experience for you.
Post # 7
A pp already said it-This is not your problem to fix. Ask your FI to speak with his parents and tell them in no uncertain terms that he expects them to behave like civil adults at your wedding and all associated events.
If his mother is still so fragile that she still cries four years later when anyone talks about her ex, she needs help to move on. If she can`t promise a drama free day, he might consider suggesting that she start counselling now.
Post # 8
I feel like for events like these, people will put their own difficulties and feelings aside for the sake of the wedding. My parents went through an ugly, litigious divorce 13 years ago (my mom was cheating on my dad but she still somehow managed to get $300k in the settlement) and they’re barely civil to eachother and don’t want to be at the same event. For things like graduations, our daughter’s birthday, and funerals they’ve put it aside. They greet each other politely and don’t interact.
Post # 9
@mowi322: I agree 1000%! This is not your problem, your FI should be the one handling this situation. If you would like to be by his side for moral support, that’s fine but he needs to be the one figuring this out, not you.