Post # 1
My fiance and I are getting married next September and we are trying to plan the important things like venue and catering right now. we were planning on paying for the wedding mostly ourselves with only small contributions from our parents. My parents decided to make a larger contribution than we expected(and we are SO grateful!!) but we don’t know how to approach it with his parents. They are split up and my Future Mother-In-Law has already gone a few thousand dollars into debt for my FSIL’s wedding. We know her contribution would be small but think a couple hundred dollars (maybe covering the cost of some of her many relatives’ dinners) would be fair. She has a lot of opinion on how we should do our wedding but we don’t want to burden her with a cost she can’t afford seeing as how she had no help from FSIL’s father for her wedding (or much from their future in laws either). Also fiance’s father lives a decent distance away and so we don’t have much chance to discuss this with him other than on the phone. my fiance thinks he’d be happy to give us a decent amount but neither of them have brought it up. We don’t care how much or how little they offer us but would like to know more of a specific amount(or ballpark even!) so we can budget accordingly.
Post # 3
I would have him ask her alone. I personally would wait to do it in person, but if you two can’t I would have him do it over the phone.
Post # 4
Definately have your Fiance bring it up to her if at all. You already know this women is going into debt, why would you wish her to go more into it just so you can have more money contributed to it, that hardly is very nice.
I’m in a similar situation except with my side of it. Parents split up, and I know my mom is unable to give anything, it would be crazy to even try to ask, she’s on a disability income which isn’t much. My dad himself isn’t the best with his money, but between him and my grandparents I’m expecting something of a contribution, and I know they will give something I just don’t know how to bring it up that i would like to know what approx it will be. I would really hate to do everything very small budget only to turn around and receive enough of a contribution from my family that could have allowed me to have some details I couldn’t have.
Post # 5
Budget what you can afford to pay for your wedding yourself.
Surely, ‘a couple hundred dollars” isn’t going to affect your budget that much…. and, if it does, maybe you can “layer in” items so that you could add on a level if she offers you money (ie – upgrade to a better meat or increase from house liquor to premium). That way if she can’t (or won’t) offer to help, then you are not in a pinch or having to re-do your budget at the last minute.
In either case, I think this is a conversation your Fiance needs to have, since it’s his side of the family right now.
I might suggest….. a good way to bring this up is when you are initially talking about the guest list and who gets how many invites…. You indicate that she has invited people…. is that definite? Or can you go back and have conversation…. we have budgeted for “this amount”. If you want to add extra invites, the cost is “$$$” per person for everything we have budgeted. Is that something you would like to do? Or would you like to make different decisions on which (#) people you invite?
Again, that way you stick within your budget and you aren’t “dependant” on her.
Post # 6
@Tiffmorris: that’s exactly what we were trying to avoid actually which is why i stated that above. She has a large family(more than 50% of the guest list) however and has insisted on telling us how extravagant our *budget* wedding needs to be.
Post # 7
@3xaCharm: a couple hundred dollars could change things a decent amount such as sit down vs buffet or cover a small rehearsal dinner(traditionally something the parents of the groom pay for). we are trying to keep the budget around $5000(including my parents’ contribution of more than half that amount). Also my fiance is clueless when it comes to weddings and things so any tips on how he may go about talking to them would be good. He tries to avoid talking to his mother because she drags out their visits(she’s lonely ) and it drives him crazy haha.
Post # 8
@gardengirl4288: Did she offer to help out? If she didn’t offer, I don’t think that you can ask.
You can definitely tell her that she gets x number of invites and that’s it. If she puts up a argument, I wouldn’t say anything about the budget. I’d just repeat that that’s the number of guests she is allowed. If you’re cool with her contributing to cover her guests, then let her…but again, she should offer.
Your Fiance should be taking the lead on this, but a lot of guys have complicated relationships with their family…or they just aren’t as…open with them. I wouldn’t even ask my parents what they were contributing, but to be honest, they were completely upfront almost as soon as we got engaged.
If his mom has offered to give you money, you can ask what she would like to cover or what amount she had in mind. I think that’s completely fair.
As for any unwanted advice: just say “thank you. We’ve decided to do x”. You don’t have to get into with her. It’s your event.
Post # 9
I wouldn’t ask either. If either of them want to contribute anything at all, let THEM offer it.
Post # 10
My future inlaws are excited enough to invite 15 people, but will not be contributing anything at all… I am having a hard time just letting this one go!!