(Closed) FOLLOW UP: cheated with an ex/leaving my husband

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
4313 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Wow… that sounds awesome.  Do you think your parents could help?

Post # 4
Member
4352 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@Undercover1234:  But then…I remember…there are MILLIONS of men on this earth!! WHY would I think these two men are my only two options?! I’m glad you’re keeping that in mind.

ETA: I do think you’re entitled to a portion of the joint checking/savings account. Since you’re earning money and putting it into it.

Post # 5
Member
5428 posts
Bee Keeper

@Undercover1234:   And if anyone has any further advice about leaving, starting a new life in a new city, etc. I’m all ears.

Save money, do it on your own, don’t ask help from family, do not get yourself in a position where you have to “owe” people, because they won’t let you forget it. (From personal experience)

EDIT: I tried this and failed miserably because $160 didn’t go far… so I am back with Fiance and waiting until I have more money…

Post # 6
Member
1471 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I read your prev post and it sounds like you should have never married this man in the first place.  But that is in the past and there is nothing you can do about it.  Sounds like you are controlled by him, this is not good and you have never been your own person and everybody should be there own person.

Good Luck, you will be fine, just remember not to jump into another relationship to soon, find yourself!  This will take a lot of time….. You can be whoever you want to be and do whatever you want to do and that should feel great and be ok!

Keep your head up, its never too late, and dont worry about what anybody else thinks, do this for yourself!

Post # 7
Member
3368 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

The only advice I feel qualified to give is this:  When you do finally leave, be prepared to feel lost without him.  Stay strong~ the best of your life is ahead of you and all you have to do is keep going.  Staying in the familiar is always easier; at least you know what to expect, even if it’s the same old miserable and frustration.  The unknown is uncomfortable, but full of possibility.  You can handle it.  You really, really can… but you won’t know that until you do it. 

 

Post # 8
Member
1471 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

@jjmomma:  I agree! you will probably feel very lost for quite sometime, especially since you have been with him so long, but dont give up!

Become who you want to be, do it all on your own, the outcome with be so rewarding and wonderful 🙂

Post # 9
Member
4327 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 1992

@happyface:  This. 

You will be so satisfied when you are autonomous and you see you are capable of taking care of yourself. That in itself is empowering as well, and my advice is to take some time for self discovery independent of your ex, or your soon to be ex. Do not let anyone else influence who you are supposed to be. Learn who that person is on your own, and THEN go seek out a partner that suits who you will blossom in to on your own. 

Good luck!

Post # 10
Member
3368 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

I went through a Women’s Shelter to leave my ex.  I’m not suggesting that you should as well, but it is an option.

Post # 11
Member
485 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I am one of those people who “ran away from home”.  I found an apartment, signed the lease, went home and told him I was moving that weekend.  Friends rallied around to help – I didn’t know until AFTER I decided to leave that they all hated him!  The point is, it is definitely do-able.  Even when you think you have nothing.  Your friends will all WANT to help, just give them specific tasks.  “Can you help me move?”  “Can you keep an eye on craigslist for jobs/furniture?”  Whatever.  

Don’t be shy about asking parents for financial help.  If they can’t help, they won’t, but ask.  It sucks, but living a lie sucks more.

Is there any family that you can live with for a few months?  It would be nice to have the extra security of having people around you during the transition.  Seriously, people love to help.  Start asking.

Post # 12
Member
4371 posts
Honey bee

Just wanted to say good luck, hon! Don’t hesistate to reach out to your friends as PP’s have suggested.

Post # 13
Member
1951 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Hugs to you, OP. I went through a similar situation several years ago with my ex-husband (he was controlling, abusive, and needy) and it’s tough. I found that a complete and clean break worked better than weaning off each other.

The first few weeks/months are confusing and difficult to get accustomed to. I spent time with a few close girl-friends who were supportive and provided encouragemt when I struggled. Be prepared for family to be hurt and upset about it. Give them time to come to terms with it and let them see how happy you are without him. Ultimately, they want the best for you.

Take time to get to know yourself; indulge in your hobbies; explore new interests; and focus on things that make you happy. I started playing volleyball again (a life-long passion of mine) and read lots of books in my free time.

Also, good for you for realizing that there are MANY other potential mates out there beyond the two men you’ve mentioned. That’s a great approach to have. Hugs to you and good luck!

Post # 14
Member
231 posts
Helper bee

I was in a somewhat similar situation with my ex Fiance so it was not as deep as you but I kinda felt like you. I wanted to leave and I was excited to leave and have that free feeling but then I doubted if it would be the right choice. I was talking to a friend and I said “what if leaving him is the wrong choice’ and he just looked at me and said “what if staying is the wrong choice” I don’t know why but it made me take the final step and i left. Like others said, you will feel lost and sad and happy and scared and excited. Everything. I think if you have a great support system you will be great! Good luck. 

Post # 15
Member
803 posts
Busy bee

I’m kind of worried because you seem to be going back and forth. You seem to be saying decisive things while simultaneously making excuses again. It might not seem like you’re making excuses, but you should find any way to move out of there and get out of the situation. Otherwise, you may find yourself dragging it out again. 

This is going to sound harsh, but part of why it’s gotten to this point is because you’ve let it. I’m not saying this in a “feel guilty! blame yourself! Agonize over it!” or a ” you’re so weak, horrible, blah blah blah” kind of way. But as manipulative and abusive as he may be, you also allowed it to continue to happen. Now is the time to say “I’ve been letting him, and my fears control me and hold me back. But now I’m going to make it stop for real. Instead of just thinking about it and talking about it, I’m going to act on it. I’m going to stop waiting.” 

If you’re still living with him, how are you going to convince him to let you take a second job? Find a womens’ shelter to move out to, or perhaps contact a relative who lives in another city/town and ask if you can stay with them for a little while? Have your paycheck directly deposited into your personal account. Start applying to jobs all over the country. 

Yes, everything is going to change. But don’t let the fear of change, or the fear that you might be alone make you stay with him. You’re only 24. Can you live the rest of your life this way? It is possible for you to make a clean break now. Down the line, are you going to regret not leaving him? What happens when you have children? How would you be able to leave him with absolutely no resources, minimal work experience, and children in tow? 

You feel drawn to J and C because they are the only two guys you know of right now that want you. But you have to trust that when you get out of there, things will get better. It might be hard to be on your own, it might be hard to make money, it might be hard to get back into the dating scene at first, but these are all things you have to go through to get onto the next step. It’s not going to all miraculous be better at once. Life simply doesn’t work that way. 

Don’t let you hold yourself back. 

Post # 16
Member
3626 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Can’t you withdraw money from your joint account and if he questions you, well, it’s your money too! Anyway, maybe go through a shelter or call a hotline. Relying on getting a second job, opening a secret bank account and moving away seems like there are a lot of variables that can go wrong.

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