- 6 years ago
I originally started a thread [HERE] where I explained that I was thinking about leaving my husband. I got tons of great advice and insight, but now I think I might need a little more.
I have definitely decided to leave. Well, I go through moments of doubting my decision but when it comes down to it, I have made up my mind 100%. I have found a counselor that I am going to make an appointment to talk with, because I feel as though I need to work through some of my feelings of self-doubt and worthlessness. One second I feel strong and powerful and like I can overcome this, and then the next second I am terrified and in a panic because the reality of this is that I am throwing away EVERYTHING about my life today. EVERYTHING is going to change. What if it was the wrong decision and I end up alone? What if things aren’t actually better when I leave? What if the problem is actually ME? Will I be on my deathbed regretting throwing this life away so many years before? I feel like I have absolutely nothing outside of my husband, which initially makes me think “I CANNOT LEAVE HIM” but then I think “No…this is WHY I should leave.” Deep down I think I always knew that he is psychologically/mentally abusive and controlling but I have never allowed myself to think the word “abuse” before.
Anyway, it has become clear to me that if I leave him, I have the freedom to do whatever I want. I can leave this city that I hate and cannot find a job in; we only live here because he has a good job here. So I have been trying to plan things out. I have decided to get a 2nd, part-time job. I work full-time now but only a few days a week, so that’s definitely doable. My paycheck now goes straight into our joint bank account, but if I get a 2nd job I feel like I would have more reason to claim that as MY money and put it in my personal bank account. That’s the only way I see myself being able to save money without it being blatantly obvious to him.
I really just want to have a clean break if possible, because I KNOW he’s going to try to convince me to stay and I’m afraid I’ll give in. This is why I don’t want to, for example, go stay with a family member right now. If I have money saved up and can either a) get a room or an apartment here, on my own, or b) MOVE AWAY, I feel like I’ll be more confident that I can do this myself.
I haven’t spoken to C (the ex I cheated with) since I wrote the first post. I’m feeling okay with that. When I think about leaving J (my husband), part of me DOES think “Maybe C is my true soulmate…maybe we were always meant to be together.” But then…I remember…there are MILLIONS of men on this earth!! WHY would I think these two men are my only two options?!
I may sound needy but I would love any words of encouragement because this will be, by far, the most difficult thing I have ever done in my life. And if anyone has any further advice about leaving, starting a new life in a new city, etc. I’m all ears.