(Closed) FOLLOW UP: cheated with an ex/leaving my husband

posted 10 years ago in Emotional
Post # 18
Member
359 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@Undercover1234:  I think your handling this very well at the moment, it is never the best situation staying when you know your leaving BUT sometimes you have to do things as a ‘means to an end’. 

I moved countries after a breakup once all by myself and it changed my life.. it was so liberating to be out there by myself but scary too.. remember that you will have down days but keeping yourself busy and occupied with your new area will help you to move forward – join ‘meetup’ an online community that arranges meetings etc with other people that have similar likes, it might help to make some new friends if nothing else.
Start applying for jobs in other area’s now, THAT is going to be the hard part but again it depends on just HOW far away you intend on moving.  Speak to employment agaencies too who will be able to search for positions in your new area for you.

Remember the world is now your oyster and you can do anythingyou want to do… Good Luck ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 19
Member
3615 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@Undercover1234:  Thank you for the update!  It sounds like you are definitely on the right track.  A lot of your doubts stem from how he has treated you for the time you’ve been together.  It is all you know, and he is all you know…straying from that feels awkard, but awkward doesn’t  = wrong!

I think you’re making the right decision (in leaving him) although no one can tell you what to do but yourself, you have to live with your choices, no one else.

I wish you all the best in your future and I hope you realize your thought process makes you sound more independent than you give yourself credit for…you just haven’t had a chance to express that because you have someone SUPpressing that.

 

Post # 20
Member
72 posts
Worker bee

@jjmomma:  Wow, for any situation or struggle, this is incredibly good advice.

Staying in the familiar is always easier; at least you know what to expect, even if it’s the same old miserable and frustration. The unknown is uncomfortable, but full of possibility. You can handle it. You really, really can… but you won’t know that until you do it.


Thanks for that!

Post # 21
Member
132 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@happyface:  ew, so does your fiance know that you’re only using him until you get enough cash up to leave him again? 

I’d rather live in a homeless shelter than put myself in that situation

Post # 22
Member
6317 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

@Undercover1234:  I am happy you decided to leave. I’m with those posters who said in your original thread that he sounds abusive.

I don’t think you’ll regret leaving him. The way you talk indicates to me that you resent him, feel trapped and controlled, and don’t love him. The thing that is making you think twice about leaving is the logistics of it all – the money, change in scenery, etc. Obviously it’s all frightening.

I like the idea of lining a job up and moving to a new city. You could have some fun with this. Try to make sure you have a support system in place, though. Like keep your family or people you care about in your life appraised of this situation because it will get tough, and your ex probably will try to guilt you into staying. But take care of whatever you can before you leave.

My friend is in a similar situation (but not as bad). She was in a long-term relationship but wanted to leave. She considered it for a few months then finally signed a lease for a new apartment, and then moved out. Her guy wasn’t blind-sided (they had problems for ages), but it made it that much easier for her to get out.

Post # 24
Member
2303 posts
Buzzing bee

I think you are doing the right thing! Planning is good and it will help you be stronger once you do leave. The less you have to rely on other people for material things (rely on people for emotional support only) the better change you have to maintain your independence and stay away from your DH once you make the break. 

Post # 26
Member
261 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@athame1983:  uncalled for. You do know that if you needed to escape to a shelter, you do need money to run, right? The advice she gave is pretty on bang on. Women need to prepare to run to do so successfully.

I mean, we don’t know what her situation is like. But whatever it is, “ew” is certainly not something you would say if you were an empathetic, compassionate person who gives people the benefit of the doubt.

Post # 27
Member
362 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

I think you are making the right decision!! It is not fair for either of you to continue in this marriage. However, I also don’t think you should secretly plot your escape- while I understand that you need to be in a position to support yourself, he deserves to know the truth, so that you can both go your separate ways and move on. Move back to your parents or out of his city altogether so you’re not tempted to come back.

You are entitled to half of your joint accounts. Why don’t you just change your direct deposit so that after one or two more cycles, it goes right into your own account? Then tell him you’re unhappy/want a divorce/would like to try a civil divorce in which everything is split 50/50? Don’t see C anymore either, you need this decision to be about you making yourself happy for YOU, not you escaping a marriage for another man. You can do it!! You just need to be fair and smart about it.

Post # 28
Member
1486 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

@Double_rainbow:  Most definitely this! Happyface is right…it took me years! 

Post # 29
Member
1486 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

@MrsPeachMartini:  Her husband has been extremely controlling. Did you know that the most unsafe time for an abused or controlled woman is just prior to or immediately after leaving? My ex was controlling like this and he turned into a stalker…threatened to kill me, damaged my property and accosted my friends even with restraining orders (only as good as the paper they’re on really).

Controlling people like this do not care about knowing the truth. All they want is POWER and CONTROL and will go to great lengths to get or keep that. NEVER tell someone in this type of relationship to try to talk it out…it will not end well.

Sorry if that seems too emphatic but if I can save even one person from going through what I did or worse then I’m ok with that. If you haven’t lived it then you have no idea. It’s easy to say just go to a shelter or don’t worry about money but that’s just not realistic for most abused people…especially once children become involved.

Post # 31
Member
362 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

I have, actually. And I left without saving any money at all because I was scared to wait another day. I went out after he was particularly violent with me while drunk all weekend, found an apartment, begged my parents to help me for  afew months (they agreed without blinking an eye), and then I dealt with his drama after I was out and safe. That’s why I asked if she could just leave the city and stay with her parents, without dragging it out. Whether he would physically hurt her or not, dragging out the process is agonizing. Personally, I agonized over leaving for months before I actually had the courage to do it.  And he might be even angrier if he finds out what is going on while she’s still living there. I am afraid to think what could happen if he really has the violence in him, or that he could be so manipulative to convince her to stay. Sorry if I didn’t communicate that well!

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