(Closed) Follow up.. need some insight

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
150 posts
Blushing bee

I wouldnt let him be friends with her but i guess im controlling he needs to get rid of the little black book

Post # 3
Member
840 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2020

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anon1149 :  I have an email friend that I’ve never met and our friendship began a year before I met my SO. But there has never been anything sexual and if I felt that a line was crossed or my SO felt uncomfortable, I’d end the friendship. I feel like out of respect to you your husband should cut ties with this friend because the friendship wasn’t purely platonic, even if it’s in the past. I would be very uncomfortable if I were you.

Post # 5
Member
840 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2020

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anon1149 :  But he’s your husband. He should understand. You don’t have to go up to him and tell him to cut off all contact. Sit down and tell him what you’re telling us. You feel uncomfortable given their history and you’d feel better if he didn’t talk to her anymore. 

Post # 6
Member
718 posts
Busy bee

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anon1149 :  Then it sounds like your husband needs to learn how to have a platonic female friends that doesn’t turn on everyone’s radar. It almost sounds to me he likes he litlle black book and always looking for  female ‘friends’ that ended up liking him. (aka he is not exactly looking for friends)

Post # 7
Member
3314 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

ummmmmm it’s not controlling to ask your husband to cut off friendships with a) anyone he had an affair with, and b) anyone who isn’t a “real life” friend and whose friendship is based on sexting. 

It sounds like this guy plays it fast and loose with appropriate boundaries, so I don’t think you’re being paranoid or insecure.

Post # 8
Member
7528 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I read your previous thread and this one, and I have to agree that you definitely do need therapy to work on your trust issues and figure out why you’re so obsessed with your husband’s love life that happened before he met you. If I understood correctly, your husband’s affair with T and his sexting with L happened long before you ever entered the picture, and since you’ve been together, he’s been faithful to you? It really sounds like you’re looking for reasons to distrust him. I could understand if your husband were still talking to T and L on the reg or engaging in shady behavior with them, but I don’t get that impression from your post? Or did I misunderstand the situation?

I am also kind of floored by your previous thread, where you talk about being upset that your husband still had texts on his phone from L that were exchanged long before you met him. I technically still have all the texts I’ve ever exchanged with anyone since I first got a smart phone in like 2010, including that of ex boyfriends and flings. This isn’t because I stay up late rereading them and swooning – it’s because I’ve never bothered to delete them. I’d say this is pretty normal. 

Post # 9
Member
340 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

I have an email friend who I’ve been friends with for nearly 15 years and we’ve never met. However, our relationship has always been platonic. Strictly friends. We don’t talk so much more these days because we’re both busy with day-to-day life, but we do check in with each other. I even invited him to my wedding, but sadly he couldn’t make it. He has always been respectful towards my past relationships and my now husband. 

Post # 11
Member
7528 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

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anon1149 :  Ok, I misunderstood that he had remained friends with T. The current thread just references removing her from social media so it wasn’t clear to me that there was a deeper connection/friendship still going on between the two. I can understand not wanting my husband to be friends with someone he had an affair with so I get that.

As for the sending L money thing – are you saying he has been secretly sending her money while being married to you? That would definitely alarm me! If all of that occurred and ended before you met him though, not as big of a deal to me at all. So, which is it?

And no, you shouldn’t be okay with him turning his phone away every time he gets a text from someone – that’s shady as hell. Again, info that was missing from your original post! All you said was that he talks to L infrequently now and didn’t even know she had a daughter, so it really didn’t seem like anything to get worked up over. But yeah, if he’s talking to this woman regularly and being shady about it, that wouldn’t fly with me either. 

Post # 13
Member
7528 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

anon1149 :  Hmmmm. I think he’s probably being shady because of the previous conversation you’d had with him where you wanted him to delete all the texts he ever got from her. Not saying it’s right for him to be shady/turn his phone away from you by any means – it’s not – but I’m not convinced he’s being shady because his current behavior is inappropriate, if that makes sense. I mean I could be way off here, but I’m thinking he probably got the text from L, thought “oh crap it’s a text from L, my wife is not gonna like this” and then instinctively turned his phone away. Not cool but not the same as “I better turn my phone away so I can write inappropriate things to another woman without my wife seeing it.” I think it’s a good sign he told you the whole history with L in the car the other day, actually. 

I guess what I’m still not clear about is whether his interactions with either L or T since he’s been with you have been inappropriate. Everyone has a past, but as long as he’s not veered into flirtatious territory with them since he’s been with you, it’s hard for me to see getting too worked up over it. Esp given his willingness to remove T from his life once you asked.

At the end of the day, your husband should put you first and should be willing to remove these women from his life on principle, which it sounds like he readily did with T. That said, I still think — especially with the context of your previous thread that was all about being in a state of despair over the fact that he hadn’t cleansed his phone of any romantic texts from before he met you (an unreasonable expectation IMO) — this is a bit more complex.

In any case I hope you guys work it out, and I hope this is the last time you’ll have to tell your husband to cut off contact with some former lover. Micromanaging your partner’s interactions with other women is no way to live your life!

Post # 14
Member
6161 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2017

Why the F is he in these texting relationships w these other women when he’s MARRIED?? ? I dont think you’re insecure, i think youre sane and reasonable. He needs to block BOTH women or change his number and leave the past in the past. No good can come out of this. Dont let him make you feel crazy. I would have demanded he cut off ALL CONTACT with both women a long time ago and if he refused I’d divorce him.  Id never let a man disrespect me like that. If i don’t like something then DH should understand and do what I need to make me feel better and vice versa. 

Post # 15
Member
4319 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

If you want to get real advice i would suggest re-wording your OP. Your husband didn’t have an affair, he kissed a married woman when he was single, before he ever met you. And their “friendship ” was that they were FB friends who never communicated.

Likewise, the sexual texts happened before he met you.

He has not cheated on you with any of these women. And I’m willing to bet my life that he was hiding her messages because you have proven yourself to have major jealousy issues based on previous posts.

That being said, you obviously feel you’re justified and seem to want to hear your husband is an awful cheating asshole, so…good luck.

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