(Closed) Follow up on Mr. Bee’s plan

posted 8 years ago in Waiting
  • poll: Did Mr. Bee's plan (and/or backup plan) help you survive the wait?
    Yes it helped : (11 votes)
    20 %
    I don't know if it helped : (3 votes)
    5 %
    No it didn't help : (6 votes)
    11 %
    It hurt my relationship. : (3 votes)
    5 %
    I never used it : (18 votes)
    33 %
    Other (please explain below) : (4 votes)
    7 %
    I didn't know about the plan, but it's pretty similar to what worked for me! : (10 votes)
    18 %
  • Post # 3
    1756 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: September 2010

    I didn’t even know about WB back when I was waiting, so I was unaware of your plan. However, I wish I had known about it – it’s fairly similar to the strategy I eventually ended up using, after ages of irritation, and it worked.

    Post # 5
    870 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    The problem for me was I was basically always following the plan AND the backup plan. I actually don’t bring engagement/marriage all that much, money is not an issue for us, and I’m not sure I ever started resenting him–but I was/am sad that he didn’t seem to be at the same point in our relationship as I was.

    Besides in some ways I already live the backup plan–I work out regularly, I meet up with friends without him on a regular basis, I’ve booked a cruise that he couldn’t make it to.

    Unfortunately I just don’t think the plan reflected the reality of my relationship. He just wasn’t ready when I was and as much as I tried to put a good spin on it that made me really sad. Fortunately though he does seem to be coming around now. I honestly think he just needed time, no matter who he was with–he wasn’t going to be ready before he was 30. 

    I hope it helped other people though!

    Post # 6
    18637 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2009

    I didn’t know of the plan but if I had, I followed it and it worked.

    Post # 7
    7300 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2012

    I did this before I knew you had a plan! (You should sticky it to the top of the boards) 
    Instead of me whining about raid nights or xbox nights, I would call up my girlfriends and go out. I started to get up at 7am to work out. I started to do my makeup and felt really good about myself. I started a blog, joined a weekend mommies group, signed my daughter up for dance classes, ect and just kept busy. 

    As soon as I stopped talking about engagement and started to focus on myself, he came out of his “man cave” (Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus) and started to seek me out. I was engaged within 2 months of the change. 

    I’m also going to credit my engagement chicken for that happening. ^_^ 

    Post # 8
    2313 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: August 2011

    Interestingly, the general gist of your plan is “keep your mouth shut as much as possible and things will come to you much easier,” and it works for all situations in life. I have very strong opinions about a lot of things, but I’ve learned that if I just STFU and wait to see what happens, things usually work out just fine and I don’t go through the hassle of being a pain in the ass or making myself look bad. 

    And to further reference The Office, Pam tells Michael at the Christmas party that Holly is giving her boyfriend an ultimatum where if he doesn’t ask her to marry him by the end of the year, she’s breaking up with him. Then she asks Michael, “I don’t know too many happy marriages that begin like that, do you?” I always think about that when I read a plan of threat or ultimatum on the Waiting boards.

    Post # 9
    2871 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: March 2011

    I didnt know of the WB or the plan when I was waiting.

    Oh boy do I wish I did.  It would have saved me many crying nights and “why dont you love me enough” arguments.


    Post # 12
    485 posts
    Helper bee

    I have been doing this for the past four months; it wasn’t really a conscious decision to do so but I decided that it was best for my sanity to focus more on my own interests rather than on the lack of engagement. I think it has helped a little bit; Boyfriend or Best Friend has brought up marriage/wedding a few times on his own initiative.

    Post # 13
    3305 posts
    Sugar bee

    I tried the plan- but every now and then I had a slip up.

    what “worked” for me (us)- I spoke to my SO and explained to him how the waiting was making me feel and gave him options on the ring.

    Money was an issue for us (the ring I wanted was almost $5000) so after we realized that we could not get that ring without forgoing our emergency fund, we talked and agreed on a cheaper ring and upgrading later. My SO is the type of guy that thinks what he puts on your finger is a big deal so we had to have many talks about a cheaper ring does not reflect bad on him and that upgrading was OK.
    The income tax refund also worked in our favor and I tried to hold off on much talks and curb my outbursts because I knew he won’t have a lump sum of money.

    The talk about the waiting was just telling him that I was tired and annoyed with the waiting and rationalizing the wait with him not making up his mind on wanting to be with me. My fiance is very sensitive to me and he wants to see me happy, so when I told him what the waiting was doing and that I didn’t think I could do it any longer, he got the job done.

    Generally I do think the plan works – but for girls like me (type A personality) it may be a bit difficult to still 100% to the plan.

    Post # 15
    63 posts
    Worker bee

    Mr. Bee —

    I used the Back-Up Plan, and it really didn’t help.  Sorry.  My man is the most indecisive person on the planet, and takes forever to make even minor decisions, much less huge decisions.  He was happy with the status quo, and so he really had no incentive to change it.

    I tried everything.  Talking about it, not talking about it.  I am independent and live my own life (I’m on my own 5 days per week anyway due to semi-LDR).  I communicated logically about it, I told him all the numbers and realities of life.   

    In short, I found that your back-up plan simply continued the status quo of stagnation.  Sure, it was less stressful on him not to hear me talk about it for a while (and I went several months without talking about it).  But by not talking about it, it never crossed his mind, so he made no mental progress towards it. 

    And this was all despite the fact that, at our 2 yr anniv., when all this came up, he asked for another 1-2 years, and at our 3rd anniv., I told him he had another year (b/c that’s plenty of time to decide at our age). 

    There came a certain point around 3.5 yrs where I realized that NOTHING would change for another several years if I didn’t put a stop to this stagnation.  I saw no reason at the time to wait another 6 months.  I told him I was ready to move forward with life, and it was up to him to move forward with me as an engaged couple, or without me (and I gave him 3 months to make up his mind…so PLENTY of time). 

    But I figured out within a day or two that I didn’t want our marriage to start that way…  I sensed that it was an unhealthy start to our life together, and even if he decided to get engaged (which he most likely would have), he would have ALWAYS held it against me that I “forced” him into it…that it was my decision, not his.  And that wasn’t my intention.  So I withdrew the “ultimatum”, but said that going back to the status quo of “no progress” wasn’t ok either — so I made him set his OWN ultimatum/schedule.  That way, it’s his choice – his timeline.  But at least there is a “end date” to the stagnation.  So he set his timeline as July b/c “6 mos is a nice round number” — ironically, it’s still right at our 4th anniv., which is right back where we were.  (I’m trying to negotiate for May b/c it’s in the middle, but hey, at least there’s an end in sight.)

    I feel like making him set his own “ultimatum” date was a smart move.  It really made it his decision (and he felt more like it was/is his decision), but it nipped in the bud the “status quo of stagnation”.  And lately, I’ve noticed he’s been a little “lovier” lately, so I”m kinda thinking he’s turned the corner and made a decision (even though he won’t tell me about it).  So even though I’m not engaged yet (it’s not July), I think there is progress.

    He still doesn’t understand why his “just want to be sure” was/is hurtful to me, despite my attempts to explain it to him.  But even though he still pulls the whole “maybe, just wanna be sure” thing, I think he may have figured things out (mostly), but just isn’t ready to tell me b/c he wants me to surprised.

    So that’s my two cents.  I think your plan and back-up plan certainly have their place and are useful with MOST men.  But unfortunately, it’s just not as successful with men who are indecisive, have no sense of the passage of time, and are somewhat oblivious to the reality of life (i.e. that women shouldn’t have kids after a certain age, etc.

    Thank you for your insight into the male mind on this Board 🙂

    Post # 16
    600 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2006

    @LoveMyDogs: I love everything you say!!!  This is my difficulty with Mr. Bee’s plan as well, that damn stagnation that some guys are totally fine with and oblivious to.  My man has difficulty with flipping weekend plans!  Ironically, he can make split second decisions very well, it’s just the long range (as in more than 1 day) plans he’s bad with.  

    I think, as Mr. Bee said, his plan is for when engagement wishing has completely taken over the relationship, or is about to take it over.  It’s a way to get things back to the way they were before engagement fever so the guy can remember why it is you are so freaking awesome and allow him to pursue you.  I think that may be the bottom line, there needs to be some type of pursuing on the male’s part and if there isn’t then they retreat.  When it’s a situation in which there’s no pursuing by anyone (LoveMyDogs and my old situations) then The Plan is not so necessary/effective.

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