- 4 years ago
- Wedding: October 2010
I posted a thread about my aversion to semen. I deleted it and now I am updating everyone who took the time to share their opinions and advice.
I spoke to my therapist and she believes that my aversion certainly comes from the sexual abuse I survived. We had a long discussion about learning to redefine sexual acts which were used to hurt and humiliate me in the past. My therapist feels that if I focus on how close cumming inside me makes my husband feel, I may be able to get past my aversion. She also thinks that having my husband wear a condom or pull out all the time undermines the intimate bond of married sex. My therapist said that further avoidance will only worsen the problem and create emotional distance. At the same time, my therapist says that I should have been honest about my aversion rather than suffering in silence.
My husband and I discussed this issue during our evening canoodle. We like to cuddle and kiss in bed as soon as both of us are home in the evenings. My husband is sensitive to feeling ignored, so I am much more mindful about not staying on the computer or phone all the time. He expressed his sadness at my aversion and said that he only wants to feel as close as possible to me. My husband never wants to make me feel uncomfortable in bed as he doesn’t want to remind me of being abused. I appreciated the way he expressed his feelings without being pushy or forceful.
I realize that I need to overcome my semen aversion, not only for my marriage but also for myself. My husband’s love and acceptance have been very healing, but he can only continue to help me heal if I trust him completely. Rejecting my husband’s semen hurts him deeply and that isn’t what I want to do. He’s such a sweetheart and I don’t want to make him feel rejected.
So I told my husband that if I bring a box of wipes to bed, it means that I am fine with receiving his semen that night. I am going to try to do that at least once a week and gradually increase the frequency of my husband ejaculating inside me. My therapist feels that gradual exposure is a great way to get over my aversion. She also reminded me that my husband ejaculating is a sign that he is enjoying lovemaking with his wife. Aside from my semen aversion, we have a very passionate sexual connection.
I appreciate all of the kind responses I received. It isn’t easy to live with the stain of sexual abuse on your psyche, especially with all the victim blaming that occurs in our society. If I could just “get over it”, I certainly would. I have tried things with my husband that I never did with any other man, simply because my husband made me feel so cherished in bed. I need to remind myself that I am completely safe with my husband.
My husband is happy with the compromise and deeply respects my attempts to overcome my aversion for both of us. I believe that with time, therapy sessions and gradual exposure, I should be able to emerge triumphant from this challenge. Time is one of the best healers, along with having a considerate lover. I was with men in the past who did not respect my sexual boundaries and it retraumatized me.
If any other Bee is struggling with the effects of sexual abuse, know that you are not alone and healing is possible. We have nothing to be ashamed of. The sick fucks who violated us are the real villains. We deserve to enjoy a fullfilling sex life just like anyone else.
Thank you again Bees.