- 2 days ago
- Wedding: November 2004
<div dir=”ltr” style=”font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;”>Hi all; it’s been a year since I posted my heartbreak on discovering my husband’s long term affair with Jane in January 2019. You can read my sad discovery-day story here:</div>
<div dir=”ltr” style=”font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;”>https://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/gut-feeling-circumstantial-evidence-and-mistrust/</div>
<div dir=”ltr” style=”font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 17px;”>I truly did not want my marriage to end. I loved my husband….16 year investment with two kids. But he wasn’t sorry for his cheating. Being trapped in the horror perpetuated by my husband and Jane, everything I knew about love, trust and marriage was obliterated. Despite my hard evidence on the affair with Jane, my husband still denied the affair, instead acted entitled. “I’m so tired of your crocodile tears.”
I stopped thinking about divorce right away, deciding to give my marriage a chance, for the sake of the kids. I agreed to joint therapy ….big mistake. I watched him lie, deny, and act like a victim during the expensive sessions. The therapist must have seen through the act because he asked repeatedly why I still stayed before ending the sessions, wishing us the best. As my husband turned nastier towards me, I drowned myself in pills and alcohol. Slowly, he then worked on the children, alienating them from me, telling them I’m the one who’d cheated, etc. He was very charming externally…. no one believed me when I explained the abuse happening at home. My own family blamed me for being unforgiving. I felt useless and worthless, contemplated suicide. My kids started disrespecting me.
Towards September of 2019, I discovered a second affair by capturing his conversations with Mary (the second girl), listening to hubby declaring his love for Mary, begging her to meet him for dinner, badmouthing me, and defending himself for not calling sooner. From their conversations, he’d been cheating with Mary for about 12 of our 16 year marriage, dumped her for Jane, and was now trying to rekindle their relationship. Mary was also a friend of his family and they all knew and kept their secret. She was in our wedding. It was horrible listening to the two arguing intimately like a normal couple. He, jealous of who she’s dating, she, upset that he ‘cheated’ on her with Jane.
I continued digging… discovered old sexting, dick pics of my husband to Mary, meeting plans, intimate messages some overlapping with he and Jane’s; he and mine, etc. Yikes. I then contacted Mary, acting friendly. Mary didn’t know I had the proof, so she thought he’d outed her. She was mad and gave me all the information I asked for, including about one other girl years ago that I didn’t know about, then said in parting, “I feel so sorry for you. I hope one day you can find a man who can love and respect you.”
This second discovery shattered my world again. On confronting my husband, he denied everything again. Said Mary made things up. I even played to him his on voice on the recordings, where he pledged his undying love to Mary while badmouthing me. He said it had been a ‘joke’, and refused to move out of the house. He adamantly refused to take responsibility… blaming everyone: Jane, Mary, the third mystery girl, my family, his family, the therapist, my friends, social media, even blogs like weddingbee that I frequent, etc.
He gradually turned violent towards the end of 2019, and the violence escalated when he discovered my plans to move out. Dragged me out of bed one night in my underwear with the kids watching and crying, asking me to get out of the home. Right after Christmas Day. I had to call the police, who he sweet talked and they did nothing because I had no visible injuries and he coached the kids to tell the police I was lying. I wasn’t ready to leave without my kids, but eventually I had to take a long hard look at the mirror and learn all I could about codependency and abuse. One night, he came to the downstairs bedroom where I slept and started choking me, boasting that no one would believe me. I helplessly didn’t call the police during the subsequent violent acts.
I had to climb out my hole of depression and darkness, pray to God for strength and execute everything while he was away on a business trip. I moved out into a small condo 2 miles away (school boundary restraints). I took nothing from the house…just clothes, one car and kids, who thankfully saw the light. I was lucky enough have a good job and was able make things work financially. I left behind everything I’d worked for, and started life afresh in my late 30s, buying used furniture and household items. Lots of therapy and healing. I now feel so blessed and lucky to finally be peaceful, despite being left in marital debt. I see my kids less than I’d like (they are terrified of disappointing him when they are happy ), they have grown to respect me and that gives me strength. I’m taking it one day at a time as we work towards the divorce/custody process. He’s stonewalling everything. The scumbag still has the nerve to ask for financial support to pay for the mortgage and bills. I have to swallow my anger a lot, because we have to coparent. He loves/discards the kids too, depending on his mood on a particular day.
Before, I had a mountain of reasons to think he was the greatest guy ever. If the universe hadn’t just dropped irrefutable evidence into my unsuspecting lap in January 2019, I’d still be in the dark right now. And he was a complete double lifer with women. He was fake…. Attentive, loving, considerate. You can truly not know how demented some cheaters are.
Thanks for reading as we go through these challenging times with the virus.</div>