(Closed) Follow up with people who didn’t give cards/gift?

posted 8 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 17
Member
646 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

My mother in law told us that guests have up to a year to give a gift.  Not sure if this is common, but that is what she told us when we brought up the no gift issue. 

Post # 19
Member
1375 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

View original reply
@lmoss78:  Don’t worry.  People will contact you if they don’t receive a thank you note.  Not directly, but if Great Aunt Myrtle sees the note for Cousin Suzy on her fridge, you can bet you will hear about it from your parents, or from Myrtle.

Some people don’t like to bring gifts to weddings in case they DO get lost, in which case they will likely send them.  Things will trickle in over the next few months.

Post # 20
Member
11506 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

Etiquette does not require or permit you to do or say anthing in situations where someone attended your wedding but did not bring a card or gift. I would simply resume your normal pattern of contact with these individuals (even if that is no contact at all for someone you don’t normally see or communicate with on a regular basis.)

Contrary to what some others are advising you to do, you should only send thank-you notes to those who gave you gifts, not as a general thank you for attending your wedding.

Post # 21
Member
1915 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I was totally surprised how many people did not buy a gift or give a card.  A handful of people have bought gifts from the registry after the wedding, but I don’t expect to get anything from the others.

FWIW-I only sent thank you notes to those that gave me gifts.

 

Post # 22
Member
239 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

View original reply
@lmoss78:  Uh, that sucks with the “phantom guests.” Don’t you just want to smack them?

I had 3 people who didn’t come and didn’t tell me they couldn’t make it or call later to apologize. I must admit that I am tempted (don’t worry I won’t actually) to send them a note saying they were missed. The one that gets me the most is the couple who are the parents of my best friend in high school. I had to call after the deadline to get their RSVP, and then they don’t come after I pay $45 to seat and feed them? Grumph.

Is there an etiquite thing that says DO NOt send thank yous to giftless guests? In my mind, I had a party afterwards because I wanted to, not to thank them for coming. And I really do want to thank my uncle for coming!

Post # 23
Member
1915 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I think you can totally send a thank you note for your uncle, but you don’t have to.

 

Post # 25
Member
1396 posts
Bumble bee

View original reply
@LittleSu:  Actually, if you host a party the guests should be sending you a thank you. Obviously this isn’t really done with weddings but in general, if you had friends over for a dinner party the etiquette guide is that they would be obligated to send you a thank  you note. If they brought a bottle of wine or a vase of flowers then you might want to send a thank you for the gift but yeah. In general the reception…the food, drink and dancing is how the hosts say ‘thanks for coming!’

Post # 26
Member
53 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

There’s certainly nothing wrong with sending people a note thanking them for being there! I think that’s a lovely idea. 

Post # 27
Member
1329 posts
Bumble bee

@lmoss78:  Guests have up to one year to deliver a gift to you. I find it strange that they didn’t. However, rest assured, you will hear about it if they didn’t get a thank you card…I would just leave it.

Post # 28
Member
692 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

How funny would it be if you sent cards saying :

Your being at my wedding meant more than any gift you could have possibly given us. Seriously, thanks so much for being there. It meant a lot to the both of us! <3

xoxo

-(insert name here)

 

Post # 29
Member
1199 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

We had 2 different sets of no-gifters.  One couple is a college friend of DH and I think they possibly go by that ‘one year to give a gift’ crap.  We didn’t send them a thank you note, I thought it would seem a little grabby.

Then there’s my MIL/FIL and SIL.  DH actually said something the day after the wedding to them, and they said that they had cards for us but forgot them.  Its now been 6 weeks and we haven’t gotten anything, but they are scatterbrained people.  SIL already got a gift and note from me anyway since she was in the wedding, but I debated sending the IL’s a thank you note because they paid for our stationary (STDs, invites, Thank You notes, etc) and other small odds and ends.  DH says not to send them a card until we get their card since they said they had one.  And of course neither of us will bring it up again. 

I say just hold tight, like PPs said, if they gave a gift and know other people that thank yous, I’m sure it’ll remind them if they were going to give you something, or to ask if it got lost.

Post # 30
Member
5398 posts
Bee Keeper

I would not send thank you notes to people for coming who didn’t give a gift. But that doesn’t mean you can’t send a card to your uncle. Just because you send him one doesn’t mean you have to send everyone a card. I don’t think people will go around comparing lol. 

Post # 31
Member
62 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

I have friends who follow the “you have a year to give a gift” thing.  Whether it’s poor planning or they’re just financially strapped, I don’t agree with it; I thought etiquette dictated that if you can’t afford to both attend the wedding and give a gift, it is better to give a gift, and that is what I follow. 

Is it ever really poor manners to send a personal note to someone, genuinely thanking them for celebrating your wedding day?  If you don’t mention a gift, and they sent one, this might tip them off that you didn’t get it.  I certainly don’t think it is necessary, but as long as you’re not fishing for the gift you didn’t get, I don’t see a problem with sending a note.

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