(Closed) Followup FIANCE flirting with co worker

posted 9 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
330 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2008

Not that I’m an expert on relationships or anything, but it sounds to me like your Fiance isn’t really doing anything to stop the flirting. And since he’s been cold and distant, things really don’t look good. I would be very wary of your relationship at this point. I know you want to think the best of your man, and you want to trust him. But with his continuing to communicate with this girl, he really isn’t giving you good reason to trust him. I would talk to him about it again and be firm with him. And if things still don’t get better, if he doesn’t make obvious and REAL attempts to stop his flirtations with this girl, then you really should consider leaving him. You deserve a man that thinks you are his entire world, and treats you like it! If you let him get away with this kind of stuff now, he’ll just keep doing it later on.

Post # 4
Member
297 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2008

I can’t imagine how you are feeling – that must be so difficult to go through!

I would ask your Fiance to go to counseling with you as it seems that there are some boundary and trust issues that need to be worked out before you get married. As much as it sucks, I would suggest postphoning the wedding until those issues are worked through because getting married probably won’t fix it.

Post # 5
Member
700 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I agree with scrapsolife on this, and I am hurting for you right now.  The description of how your Fiance is handling this situation is literally making me cringe. 

It sounds like you are interested in salvaging this relationship (duh, me, they are engaged!), and I think that you need to be fair but firm at this point and set some very specific ground rules that include the two of you seeing a couples counselor to have help with this. 

If you are going to give your Fiance an ultimatum, you need to be completely prepared to walk away if he cannot live up to your expectations.  So hard to hear that, I know, but I had to walk away from a previous relationship for similar circumstances.  It broke my heart, and it took a couple of years before I felt that I could give another person a fair shot, but it was all worth it.  Now I am with someone who would never take advantage of my trust and would never dream of justifying himself by humiliating me. 

That last paragraph is a little harsh, I realize, but I say that all out of sincere concern!  Evaluate your situation carefully!

Post # 6
Member
2022 posts
Buzzing bee

I am so sorry you are in this situation….it does not sound like this guy deserves you AT ALL.

Based on what you have told us, my feeling is that your FI is continuing to be inappropriate and disrespectful.  It sounds like he may be having an "emotional affair" if not a full blown affair.

Are you living together?  If so, it may not be a bad idea for you to spend some time apart.   If I were in your shoes, I would require that he attend counseling.  I would also seriously consider leaving him.  At a minimum, I would put your wedding plans on hold.

I hate to say that there is no hope, but this sounds like he is on the path towards cheating.  And even if he isn’t, he is comletely screwing with you emotionally, and you DO NOT deserve it.  You just got engaged and this should be the happiest time in your life!! 

Post # 7
Member
2030 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

Please do not marry this man. I grew up in a home filled with constant cheating and fighting and it was hell on earth. He may love you, but he is broken and needs to work on his issues before he can be ready to commit to marriage. This work is hard, takes years, and you don’t deserve to be treated this way while he wallows about denying there is a problem. Plus – the text message that says Girlfriend is a huge red flag. Why doesn’t she even know he is engaged? He is clearly contributing to her behavior. Get out now. It’s only going to get worse and worse if you stay with this man.

Post # 8
Member
44 posts
Newbee

 I am really sorry to say it, but it doesn’t sound like SHE is the crazy one…Sounds like they are both active participants. It sounds to me as though he is not being honest about the relationship. It sounds like he wants to keep talking to her, and keep it going. he might not want to lose you, but he isn’t doing much to end it with her either.

I think you deserve better. It sounds like he has really messed up in the trust catergory.

I am sorry hun 🙁

 

Post # 9
Member
278 posts
Helper bee

I’m so sorry you are hurting. 

Trust can be a painful thing but the ball is in your court.  From what you wrote, it seems like he doesn’t know what he wants.  A very close friend of mine has gone through something similar (before he became her FI) and it was one of the most painful things to see her go through.  Eventually, they DID work things out but it took some time and lots of talking and regaining what was lost.  Lots of tears but he eventually cleaned up his act and is beyond the most perfect hubbie to her.

This isn’t your fault, but I think your Fiance needs to step up to the plate and be a bit more open about what is going on.  If this girl is on his back, he has the right to shrug her off each and every time without having to consider her feelings.  He needs to consider YOUR feelings as a priority, not someone else’s.  If he knows this woman is hurting your relationship, he should know that breaking ties with her is the best thing to do.

If I were in a situation like this, I would give him time to pull himself together and see how bad he wants the relationship to work.  If he does, it’ll be time for soem serious heart to heart talks and being open with eachother about how both of us would get through this.  If he doesn’t show it, then I’d consider moving the wedding further.  You don’t want to marry someone you feel you can’t trust fully.

Post # 10
Member
2641 posts
Sugar bee

I’m so sorry!  Sure it’s possible she is being crazy doing all kinds of pursuing, keeping at it etc., the problem is that how he became involved with it in the first place.  You obviously have suspicions.  God gave us instinct for a reason. 

After the threat to leave, it seems that he is trying to be open by showing you the TMs, which is good.  But do yu really feel like you are seeng all of them at this point?  You mentioned that you thouhgt they were IMing now.  So you just don’t seem to trust him.

You deserve better than this.  I’m so sorry.  I think you might need some official space from him.  I know it’s hard.  If he really wants to choose you, maybe that will wake him up.  But I think it will take a lot to regain your trust. 

Good luck.  Hugs.

Post # 11
Member
200 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2008

I feel so sorry that you are in this horrid situation but perhaps it’s a blessing in disguise. At least you are getting to see this situation BEFORE you marry the guy. You are seeing how he is handling the coworker flirtation and learning that he might not be telling you the truth about the situation, which is a definate red flag (IMO). I think it’s important that there aren’t lies and secrets between two people who are planning on committing thier lives to each other. I think the lying(covering up) is making the situation seem worse than it really may be.   

It is even more bothersome that he was so cold when you returned from being away. I would sit down with him and have a honest conversation about how you are feeling, find out why it is so important for him to continue this friendship with this woman when he knows how it bothers you, the trust he has broken by continuing his conversations with this girl after he said it was to end, and what really needs to be done to fix it the relationship. If you want to salvage the relationship, I agree that perhaps couples counseling is a good idea. It will help you both learn to communicate and perhaps get to the bottom of why this friendship is so important to him.

So sorry you are going through this. I wish you the best in solving this situation.

 

Post # 12
Member
1246 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

I’m so sorry that the situation hasn’t improved. It sounds like you’re doing all the right things and he just isn’t responding. If anything, it seems like he’s becoming more secretive. I second the recommendation for some time apart — right now, he’s not acting like a loving fiance that wants you to know that you’re the most special woman in his life, and you deserve having someone who leaves no doubt in your mind that you’re his #1.

Post # 13
Member
329 posts
Helper bee
  • V
  • 9 years ago

PLEASE, don’t marry this guy! He’s not worth it!

Love usually scrambles our brains but please think logically!

1. He’s afraid to hurt HER but not afraid to hurt YOU…which he is, RIGHT NOW!

2. BIG RED FLAG: "you still have a GF"…are you not his FI?

3. Men are never resourceful unless they really want something. Flirting in person, texts, phone calls, IM, monitoring YOUR activities so that she can call….it’s sick!

Open your eyes, he wants something from her (think piece of @**)…and he’s training YOU to take it without a problem! STOP IT NOW!

I’m sorry you’re going through this but this guy does not deserve you. Don’t take his crap! 

 

P.S. I’m sorry if my writing is a little confusing. I don’t mean to sound harsh.

Post # 14
Member
271 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

You deserve so much more, and trust me- there are men out there who wont do this. I dont know everything about your situation but unfortunately I think you should move on and find someone who wont be doing this to you. I don’t think the girl is crazy- I don’t think he told her to back off and she is probably just as confused as you are even though its pretty disgusting how she would get involved with a man who is in a relationship- but he is to blame for that, not her. He is the one feeding you both lines. Maybe you should contact her– she may even tell you that she thought you two were over or had an "open relationship".

It seems like the trust is already gone- maybe you two can work on getting it back but don’t waste your time with a guy who is wasting yours.

Good luck

Post # 15
Member
7082 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2009

I’m sorry that this situation has gotten worse for you.  I agree with many of the comments above.  You deserve someone who is able to devote his whole heart to you, who isn’t distracted or setting someone else on a pedestal.

It appears that he is in a place right now that doesn’t allow him to consider how he is making you feel, and where he is continually putting himself first.  That doesn’t sound like qualities that are acceptable going into marriage.

I know it is hard to take the steps to protect your heart and your future, but I think that meeting with a personal counselor can go a long way in shoring yourself up for the next steps.  Trust is broken right now, and before you take any next steps with this guy that trust would need to be fully repaired (which is not a short or trivial process).

Please keep us updated on how things are going for you.  I’m wishing you the best.

Post # 16
Member
175 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

I really hate saying this (b/c I really want to offer some words to make you feel better), but I 100% agree with V’s comments above…my gut says you need to get rid of this guy and run far away.  He is not just your boyfriend…he is the man you are engaged to be married to…his behavior is unacceptable… 

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