(Closed) Food for thought: To marry young or not to marry young?

posted 7 years ago in 20 Something
Post # 3
Member
4313 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

It depends on the person/people.  I personally could not imagine being married that young.  I changed A LOT between 18-25.  I always heard that, but never understood it.  And then it happened to me, and I changed and outgrew even myself and developed into a more well-rounded, happier person.  More ready for a relationship… More able to give it all I could.  There are some people that are so amazingly well-rounded right out of the box, and I get that.  Though I wanted to spend some of my life living for me and not for my relationship/marriage in my adulthood.  I wouldn’t trade that for ANYTHING.

But, I’m on the other end of your spectrum.  Married at 28…not looking for kids for another 3-5 years or so.

Post # 4
Member
1041 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

I agree with crystalrodz….it depends on the couple. And i agree that I changed a lot betwwen 18 and 25 and what i wanted in a partner changed too. But its your life and you have to live with whatever choices you make so dont worry about what other people say.

Post # 5
Member
542 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I didn’t meet my Fiance until I was 27.  If I’d met him when I was 18, I would have snapped him up then too!  Everyone’s situation is different.  Congrats on finding each other early!

Post # 6
Member
971 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

I got pregnant (unintentionally) at almost 19 yo.  We got engaged about a week after we found out we were expecting and lived together for almost 9 years and had 3 kids before we got married.  We did a lot of “growing up” together. 

We don’t feel like we missed out on anything.  We got to go out with friends and have fun while being married with kids.  Granted, it wasn’t the traditional college frat party bashes stumbling home in the wee hours of the morning, but we did get to have fun. 

I have no regrets about anything that happened to us.  Neither does Darling Husband. 

 

Post # 7
Member
2714 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

It really does depend on the person. Although I have to agree with you when you say:

Furthermore, everyone always talks about how much you “change” between the ages of 18-25 or so, and I just don’t understand why they don’t think these changes can happen while your married. Aren’t you supposed to be able to “grow” together?

I will be 26 when we get married, but we have been dating since I was 19!! Yes, I changed A LOT during those years, but I changed with my Fiance by my side and I would not have done it any differently!

Post # 8
Member
7695 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2010

I agree that it completely depends on the couple. Darling Husband and I met 5 years ago when we were 19 and 22 – while we loved each other very much and knew we wanted to get married we would not have been ready to make such a commitment at that age. We needed time to really get to know each other, to experience life and to do our own things too. I also know that had we met at 16 we still would not have been ready to get married at the age of 20! It works for some, but not for others. I dont judge what age people get married at. Just because it wouldnt work for me doesnt mean it wont for someone else. I believe that age is just a number and that we all have to work hard at making our marriages strong and making them last. Doesnt matter whether you are 20 or 40. You are right though – who knows how long ” the rest of our lives” will be. Which is why regardless of whether or not youre married you make the most of your relationship while you have it!

Post # 9
Member
1664 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Statistically, it is not a good idea to get married right out of high school.  Things are much different than they were when our grandparents were getting married.  Of course, getting married young does work for some people.  There are always exceptions to the rule.  If you are confident in your decision to get married, don’t let anyone bring you down, and don’t feel like you have to argue or justify it.

Post # 10
Member
151 posts
Blushing bee

Statistically, you have a better chance of your marriage working out if you wait until you are over 25 to get married.  But, statistically you have a better chance of it working out if you’ve never lived together either.  I proved the first one right (married at 18 and divorced at 21) and the second one wrong (re-married – quite estatically – for 17 years after 5 years of living together).

 

But seriously, I think that the most important things are shared values and family and community support.  If you both go into this with firm commitment, respect and love for eachother and eachother’s families, I think you would have a great shot of making it.  Also since you have had such a great example from your parents you are much more likely to stay together.

 

I have a friend whose dauther is only 19 and getting married this August, she’ll be 20 at the time of the wedding.  I really think they have a great chance of making it.  They are just perfect for eachother.

 

And you are right about how much time we have on this earth.  Tomorrow is NOT promised to any of us.  My boss got married to a man she had only known for 8 months.  Everyone tried to convince her at first to wait a little longer, but she was firm saying she didn’t want to spend another minute not married to him.  She passed away in a car accident 20 months later. 

Post # 13
Member
151 posts
Blushing bee

@deetroitwhat: it is sad, but she died happy and in love and married to the man of her dreams.

Post # 14
Member
151 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

What a great topic!I think you and everyone else here brings up some excellent points. Just for background, my parents got married two months after they first met, and just celebrated their 30th wedding anniversary. Also, my grandparents got married at 17 and 22 respectively, and were married for 57 years until my grandmother passed away in 2002.

I do agree with everyone else that it does depend on the person. That’s wonderful that you were able to find love at an early age and grow up so quickly! I definitely was not in the same place in my life at 18/19. When I was 18/19 years old, I was a freshman in college, and more interested in partying and spending time with friends than settling down. That actually continued through the rest of college. It wasn’t until after finishing college, and then finishing grad school right after, that I finally grew up and really had to sit down and think about what I wanted in the future career-wise, as well as what I wanted in a future husband. 7 months after finishing grad school, I started dating my Fiance, we got engaged a year and 3 months later, and will be getting married this July! We will both be 27 when we get married.

Post # 15
Member
1767 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

I would have to agree with what everyone else is saying; it completely depends on the couple and their goals and stages in life. Since I’ve arrived at college, I have had several people tell me that I am much older than my age would suggest. I am 19 and engaged, but will not get married until after I graduate. That works for me, but I totally understand why it wouldn’t for a lot of other people.

I also am well aware that statistically, my chances of divorce and an unhappy marriage are pretty high because of my age. But then again, statistically I should also be a lot of other things too. I grew up without a father figure, spent most of my time with a babysitter while my mom worked 2 or 3 jobs to BARELY pay the bills, lived in an incredibly poor and often dangerous neighborhood, was born into a family where NO ONE had a college education, etc. etc. Women in my family also have an uncanny ability to have a child at age 20, resulting in 5 generations of women who are exactly 20 years apart. Statistically, I should have fallen into some behavioral pattern or another. Hell, statistically I should have brown eyes instead of blue ones. And yet here I am, on scholarship at a good college and child free and well on my way to being successful in the precise way that is right for me. Statistics can kiss my ass.

My grandmother married my grandfather at age 19. They were madly in love until his death at age 52. Why wait when life is that short? It may work for some people, but it’s certainly not what’s right for me.

Wow, sorry that turned into a complete rant. I just want everyone to be happy with their lives!! Judgement doesn’t help anyone. Thank you for this thread, it’s very helpful to have somewhere that people can be happy with where they are in their lives without trying to make others conform to societal norms. 

Post # 16
Member
45 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I don’t have a problem with people marrying young (unless they’re like 16 and in high school, and trying to get their parents permission, my school had a ton of students who dated for about two weeks then decided they were going to get married… a lot of changes happen after high school, it just bugged me a ton whenever I heard people going on about it.) 

My fiance has a little bit of a problem with people marrying at 18-19, though, and I can understand his reasoning. He’s in the Coast Guard, and he works as an instructor. In his office, 4 out of the 6 people he’s worked with are divorced, and they all married young. Apparently a lot of people marry then in the Coast Guard because they’d be about to move and really like their girlfriend so they kind of rush it to make it official so the girlfriend can come with. When we first started talking about marriage, he was really iffy about it, his parents have a wonderful marriage for 30 years now I think, but seeing all the divorce and anger about divorce and ex wives in his office made him think that if you marry too young, it will automatically end in divorce. I’m 22, he’s 26, and it took him a lot of thinking and me a lot of talking to him to make him realize that it’s dependent on the couple, and their circumstances at the time. More likely than not, if you’re getting married that young simply because you really like your girlfriend and want her to move with you so that you don’t have to deal with long distance (and get more money) then yeah, it might not turn out so great. 

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