(Closed) For a Very Long Distance Relationship… Is It Too Early? :(

posted 6 years ago in Long Distance Relationships
Post # 3
Member
1855 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Are you crazy? I don’t think so.  People who have spent less time together have made it work; heck, even some arranged marriages work out beautifully.  But there are certain realities of living together that you just can’t experience via skype.  

My husband and I have been long distance our entire relationship, on opposite sides of the US.  With the time difference, the distance, and our separate lives, we have to work hard to make time for each other.  My husband and I have the added benefit of being able to see each other fairly frequently (once a month for a week at a time), but even now, after almost 3 years of one week visits, we still know it will be a challenge to live together full time.  To be in a household together, sharing responsibilities, managing joint finances, etc.  With as little time as you’ve had in person, you know that there is chemistry, which is great, but you don’t know about much else from hands-on experience.  

Finding out everything else is important, too.  I find that in long distance relationships, the in-person visits aren’t a good reflection of reality.  Everyone is on best behavior, there is the intense anticipation that rev’s up the chemistry, you usually take time off to spend just with your loved one, you go to touristy spots because you are visiting somewhere new, etc.  It’s in general, a much more action packed, whirlwind experience than the everyday “we’re out of milk, I told you to pick some up at the store” nonsense.  

I’m not trying to be a downer, because I do believe it’s absolutely possible that you’ve found your other half and will live happily ever after.  But just keep your eyes and mind open to the realities that you’re going to be dealing with down the road when you’re suddenly in a new country married to a man you’ve spent very little time with, with no social support and perhaps no job, etc.  

Post # 4
Member
502 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I would really advise against this. I think you need more time together in a relationship that is not long distance to see if you can really make things work. You are both so young and have not had much time together at all. What’s the rush?

 

Post # 7
Member
502 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@regisaurus:  I completely understand that, and it’s difficult to be in love and so far apart, but honestly there’s no need to rush to get married. Spend some more time with each other first and build on your relationship.

Post # 8
Member
1458 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

I think, like with any relationship, there is a honeymoon period where you are totally in love, the other person has no faults, everything they do is lovely and adorable and perfect. Then after 3ish years (for most people, at least) reality sets in, the hormones stop raging, and it’s not like the magic is gone from a relationship, but more it has transitioned from fireworks to a slow burn.  When that happens, THEN I think you should give it another year, and make the decision to get married or not. Especially with long distance, while talking/skyping is good and all, and there is definitely love there, you HAVE to have spent a long time with the other person in real life before you can truly know and understand someone. So far, you have spent two weeks together, and it was basically a 2 week vacation. Real life with bills, mess, work, school, stress, and obligations is very different and cannot be talked out, you have to experience it.

Fiance and I started dating February of my freshman year of college. We were inseperable for three months until May when summer started. Then we both studied abroad and so the next year and a half, until December of when we were juniors, we were long distance. It was incredibly hard at times to maintain a relationship through the internet, and when we both finally were in the same place again, we were different. The person you talk to can’t tell you all their little quirks, ways of thinking, emotions, etc. that make them who they really are in their daily lives.

Is there any way after you both finish school that you could spend an extended time together? Maybe go to a university in his city and get a masters degree, or vice versa? I really think before you get married you need to be spend real life MONTHS if not years together.

Post # 10
Member
1406 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

I have to agree w/PPs about spending more time together physically.  I had a good friend that met a guy while she was on a trip.  They skyped, texted almost every day.  She visited him once more and the 3rd time they met in person (3 months later) he asked her dad if he could marry her.

The 4th time they visited (only knowing each other 4 months), he proposed….she said yes and started planning a wedding. They continued to skype and she finished school but couldn’t move to be w/him until after the wedding.

They saw each other every few months (it was expensive) and traveled together each time.  I warned her that just “traveling” w/him was the highlight of many other peoples’ relationships and she needed to actually just hang out w/him at his place.  

A month before the wedding, she called it off.  He was an alcoholic….but didn’t realize it until she stayed w/him for 2 weeks finalizing the wedding stuff.  They’d drink when traveling but she thought it was b/c they were visiting great bars/clubs.  He hit her during that 2 weeks and she decided to end it.  It was horrible!

Not saying that’s going to happen w/you two but I was w/my exH before marriage for 5 years…seeing each other only on the weekends and there were MANY surprises after our wedding.

Plan a couple more visits in the next year and see how it goes! 

Post # 11
Member
12247 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

How long are you going to be in the States? I say if you live together for three months with few problems, you are on your way to a happy engagement!

The only thing is, I think he should propose at the WAY end of your trip. So you can spend plenty of time living together like a “normal” couple before taking that step!

Post # 13
Member
4047 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

Hello! Welcome to the Bee.

I met my Fiance online. We too started out as friends, and after months of talking nonstop we decided to give things a shot. And hey, now we’re engaged! He lives in England, and I am in the US, so it is quite the distance.

It’s a big decision to marry for anyone – but especially for gals like us. We’re not only commiting our lives to another person, but we’re also leaving our homeland, and it is tough. It’s definitely not something to be decided lightly.

Have you had all the marriage talks? Kids, finances, life goals, etc.? Do you have the same basic vision for your futures? You need to talk a lot about this and make sure you’re on the same page.

Have you looked into immigration? It is an expensive and long process, and there is a lot you need to have figured out. You definitely need to have some talks about this before getting engaged.

Also, how about schooling and jobs? Are you done with school? Do you plan to finish in the US? Does he have an education and/or a stable job? This has to be in place. And trust me, immigration will be hesistant or downright refuse your application if money is an issue between you two.

Also, I would wait a while to propose. While my Fiance and I both knew we wanted to get married after our second visit together (first visit was 2 weeks, second for one week), we knew that was an irrational decision. Those visits were short and sweet, and they felt more like holidays than real life.

We only decided to get married after an extended period together – I spent two months with him at his home during a summer holiday from school, and it was the best decision we made. I took some online classes, and he went to work every weekday. It was very much normal life. We had to work a few kinks out, and it was good to see how we argued and how we worked through problems. Everything went well, and it was only after that point that we decided to move forward with our relationship. 

A big component with that long visit to his country was also so meet his family. When I move, I will be 5,000 miles away from my own family, so it was important to me that I have a good relationship with his (which I do). I also wanted to know if I could stand the country. And I loved it!

So then the next visit about 5 months after that he proposed. And we both feel so good about it.

So anyway, I would advise that you two get education and/or jobs settled. Get a good amount of money saved up. Then have a few more visits together, and try to make one for an extended period of two months or more. If you’re a student, certainly you have some long holidays you could stay with him for? Then only after that would I get engaged and look into immigration.

Post # 15
Member
1372 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

Welcome! I have a similar story-met my S/O when I was traveling abroad and we only got to spend about 5 weeks together before I went back to the US and we launched into a LDR. It was a gamble, but he was able to visit recently for almost three months and it solidified in my mind that this was the person I want to be with for the reasons others had already stated-we were finally able to see how we functioned in “real life” as opposed to “vacation mode.”

I will echo other posters that you really need to spend more time together ESPECIALLY since you are so young since being under 25 is a major factor for divorce, even among couples from the same culture. Would he be willing to teach english in Turkey for a year or two? That way you can spend a lot of time together getting to know each other (and also by the time he gets back and you immigrate, the economy will probably be better and you’ll have more job prospects).

If he’s in such a career where he cannot afford to take a year off doing something else, then I think it’s really important to have some long visits. I know your family is concerned about you being gone so long but what if you set them up with skype and other ways of keeping in contact (there’s soooo many iphone apps for this!) and called them everyday? I also think he needs to visit Turkey before you marry him-it’s great that he gets along so well with your family and friends but he really needs to meet them in person, not through FB. And you need to understand each one’s culture, family of origin and background before making such a big commitment. I’m VERY grateful for the time S/O and I have been able to spend with each others families in each others home because it gave us a much better sense of who we are and where we come from.

Best of luck to you and feel free to ask me any questions you want to on international/intercultural relationships.

Post # 16
Member
1458 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

@regisaurus:  I know you love him, and that you don’t want to loose him, but two weeks is nowhere near enough. Also, this may be cultural, but if you’re young enough that you are completely dependent on your parents  financially, as well as dont have the freedom or option to go visit him for many months, you really shouldn’t be getting married yet. Wait until you are on your own and don’t have to ask permission to be with your boyfriend.

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