(Closed) For all of you stepmoms or soon to be….. :o)…a little long.

posted 7 years ago in Family
Post # 3
14494 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

You are not wrong with your feelings, becoming a step is very scary.  I think that you should sit down with your FH and detail out how both of you see your role and what the boundries will be.  I think since you will be (I am just assuming) having the kids with you and moving around with the military that you will naturally fall into the “mom” catagory even without the title.  My step kids are older, their mom passed away two years ago because of her prescription drug abuse, and I pretty much “fell” into the mom catagory.  Darling Husband and I have spoken a lot about our roles and where the lines grey and where they are black and white.  I will say that the best decision that we made was never handling parenting role issues in front of the kids, if there is ever a grey area that we need to talk about we wait until the kids are not around.  Like anything else in your relationship, communication is key.  As long as you both have great communication everything will be fine.

Post # 4
355 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I’m not a step mom, but my SO will hopefully be my son’s step dad.  My son’s father is a deadbeat and only sees him maybe 2ce a year.  My son is 7 and he has asked if we are getting married, yada yada all the questions.  We both sat down with him asked him if he would want to take J’s last name because I would be.  He said no, he wants to keep his name, which I’m fine with because he has my last name, not his fathers.  He also asked what he would have to call J.  We told him it was his choice, if he still wants to call J by his first name that was fine or if he wanted to call him Dad, he could.  He didn’t tell us his decision, but I can tell you that when strangers call us Mom and Dad in front of him, he no longer say’s “that’s not my Dad”.  So that’s my advice.  Let them decide what they want to call you.  I’m sure they know how much better at being a Mom you are than their Mom.  It’ll happen when it happens.  I wouldn’t force the issue.

Post # 5
11418 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

When I married Darling Husband, I became instant stepmom two four kids (two are adults, and two were very young teens/tweens at the time of our marriage. DH and his ex each have 50 percent physical and legal custody of the two younger kids, who live with us half of the time.)

My stepchildren’s mom is a very loving mom, and the kids adore her.  I also am so thankful to God that she and I have a very positive relationship.  However, I do understand how difficult it is to define the role of stepmom and how that relates to the love in your heart for your kids.  I, too, have always strived to love and treat my kids as if they are my own, but, of course, they have a wonderful mother who is very involved in their lives, and I am not, not will I ever be, their mother.  They call me by my first name; however, one of THE cutest, most endearing things the youngest, a boy, has ever done was to nickname me “Imposter Mom.” He really did mean it in the cutest way, and he even wrote it in my Mother’s Day card last year. 🙂

The most sensitive relationship I’ve had is with DSD, who’s mom is her BFF.  They are super close, and I am so happy for them that they have this relationship. To her, I truly have been “Dad’s wife,” but, over the years, we are finding more common ground to strengthen our relationship. I know we both love each other, and she knows that I would never even try to be her mom, but that I absolutely do consider her my daughter.  I also am thankful that the two older kids (one is married, the other is now engaged) and I have a fabulous relationship. I consider them my son and daughter as well, even though I am clearly not their mom.

The hardest part for me is that feeling of having the role and responsibility that I have but not really being able to BE the mom that I’ve always wanted to be. For example, Mother’s Day, for me, is always a bit of a hollow holiday, since, the children rightfully should always be with their mother on that day.  I work very hard to always maintain my boundaries, while still trying to share my heart and be an important part of my kids’ lives. And I really and truly am blessed that my kids’ mom cares about me and WANTS me to be a very important part of her children’s lives. She willingly shares them with me, and she knows that I truly love and respect her as a person and as my stepchildren’s mother.

So, that’s my story.  Your story is obviously different, as you and your FI will have primary custody, your stepchildren are a great deal younger, and you have been a part of their lives since they were babies.  I am confident that, as you continue to love them and be an example in their lives that their relationship with you will continue to be quite strong and special, even if they do call you by your first name, and even if they are able to one day also have a very positive relationship with their mother.  I wish you and your new family much love and happiness! 

Post # 6
964 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

I think because the kids are so young and you guys will have custody of them, every thing will work out. My Fiance has four kids which I love with all my heart but the youngest one his my hates me and she tells him really bad things about out relationship so we are trying to work on that relationship.

Now, my dad and my stepmother got married when I was younger.  I was in the wedding but don’t know how old I was.  When I introduce her to anyone, I call her my mom.  Her and my dad had my sister when I was 5 and her and her whole family treated me like I am hers.  Her and my mom have a wonderful relationship.  My mom actually was away when I went dress shopping and my stepmom was there with me on the phone with my mom explain how the dress looked and everything.  My mother never allowed me to call my stepmom by her first name because I was a child and she was an adult so I wasn’t allowed to do that.  Communication is definately the key.  I grew up love having 2 moms.

Post # 7
149 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I think right now they are too young to figure out the role you play in their lives. My soon-to-be step daughters are almost 9 and 10. We have them 4 days out of 8. Fiance and I also have a 1 year old daughter, and I have a 7 year old daughter from a prev. relationship. Their mom i’m sure loves them, but she would much rather be with her boyfriend than them. and its sad. They love coming to our house as its always a zoo and they always get attention. Their mom puts them in every extracurricular activity she can so when she has her nights with them they go there instead of spending time with her. And on weekends when they are with her they are always at sleepovers or have sleepovers, again so someone else is occupying their time. its very sad to see and we would love to have them full time.

Anyways, my daughter calls my Fiance dad, as her dad hasn’t been in her life since she was 2. She told his girls they can call me mom, and the oldest replied “we’re not allowed to call her mom because we already have a mom”. which is totally okay with me, because i would hate my daughter calling anyone else mom, but i would never tell her “you’re not allowed”.

When i was growing up my bio mom left us (i was 6, sister was 2) and my dad remarried 4 years later. as soon as we found out they were engaged we asked her if we could call her mom, as our bio mom was rarely in our lives. they got married on my 10th birthday. she’s my mom, and i actually call my bio mom by her name, not “mom”.

Anyways, sorry to get off topic, but I think just give them time. When will they be back in your guys’ care?

Post # 8
352 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

My future step son is 23…..I am the lucky one 🙂

The topic ‘For all of you stepmoms or soon to be….. :o)…a little long.’ is closed to new replies.

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