For all who called off their engagement/wedding.. how did you know?

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
2825 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

With my first engagement I knew because me ex-FI continually cheated on  me that that wasn’t the life I wanted…  But what really confirmed it for me was when I met the man I actually wanted to marry.  It didn’t help the situation, but it helped me realize that ex-FI wasn’t the one for me.  Luckily we hadn’t put down any deposits or anything so it was only a matter of giving him back the ring.

Looking back there were alot of red flags that I chose to ignore and didn’t think were a big deal in the moment, besides the fact that we barely knew eachother it was a LDR and had only spent three weeks in total face to face… the engagement ring was not my style and I kind of hated it.  The proposal was so unromantic (on his lunch break at a buffet style restaurant!) and he went back to work after… I told myself that those things weren’t a big deal and nothing was wrong with it…  but in the end with all of the other things that were wrong it just became very obvious that he wasn’t “the one”.

Post # 4
Member
210 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I’ve never called off a wedding, but my best friend did.  They didn’t have any obvious problems, like cheating or abuse.  She just knew it wasn’t right.  From talking to her, I think she knew she had to call it off when she realized she didn’t want to go on a honeymoon with this guy.  I think she realized that if she couldn’t even get excited about a fabulous vacation with him, how would she handle an entire lifetime?

 

Post # 5
Member
1668 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

Same as bryce above my BFF called off her wedding.  I think she knew all along it was wrong but felt the need to stand by her decision to marry the guy well, after 3 years she finally got the courage to call it off.  Sometimes you know all along. In her case, everyone around her disliked the guy and knew they weren’t right for each other.

Post # 6
Member
123 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

well, after years of deciding to ignore major red flags, i called it off when he didn’t come home from a “friends” house one night.  i realized then that he was a liar, was selfish, didn’t care about what i wanted in life, and never would care.  as much as he begged me to stay, said he would change…it didn’t matter.  i had changed.

as Oprah would say, I had an “A-Ha” moment 🙂

Post # 7
Member
9824 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

I called off a not-quite-engagement when I was 20. We’d been dating for about 9 months when I found out that he had been seeing someone else, someone we both worked with. I didn’t speak to him for 2 weeks (I’m a quit cold turkey kind of girl) and he begged me to come by his house. He gave me a promise ring, said I was “the one” and promised me all sorts of stuff I don’t even remember now, but the gist of it was that he eventually wanted to get married. I wore the ring for a month or so but was miserable. I wasn’t sleeping, I was paranoid and my self esteem was in the gutter. I gave the ring back, quit the office and haven’t spoken to him since. That was 7 years ago and I’ve never doubted it for a minute. There was no trust there.

Forgot to add: My friends HATED him. Even before he cheated, they all told me “He’s going to hurt you.” I could never shake the doubts my friends all had.

Post # 9
Member
105 posts
Blushing bee

@futuremjm: LOVE YOUR POST.  I think the engagement gave me that Oprah a-ha moment many times over.

OP, I know we’ve chatted before.  And, I know when you’re experiencing doubts that you just want to KNOW.  You just want an answer.  The best advice I can give you is to really listen to yourself.  If, in any way, you feel like you need to make sacrifices, big sacrifices for this relationship, then it probably isn’t right.  I am not talking about only eating white pasta because he doesn’t eat wheat… I am talking about not being able to open your dream bakery because he does not support you emotionally or financially.

I had no major red flags in my relationship, but enough that the engagement really forced me to take a hard look at our seemingly good relationship and recognize that it wasn’t great.  I didn’t have all the things I wanted.  I didn’t feel I was a priority any more.  He took, and we took, for granted what we had.  We were exisiting together as opposed to really living.

As your previous post said, the fact that I couldn’t say with even 70% percent certainty that I could walk down the aisle for this man spoke volumes. I ignored my gut for too long. 

Post # 10
Member
2825 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

@cupcakexo: if you are having doubts then you need to listen to them!  At least put a hold on the engagement.  It’s easier to end an engagement than a marriage.

Post # 11
Member
105 posts
Blushing bee

Also, I think you owe it to yourself and your Fiance to be honest and to get the clarity that you need.  At the end of the day, the only person you need to answer to is you.  I encourgae you to get into counseling and to slow things down.  No shame in postponing… people do it all the time.  And it can work out.  Just take this time for YOU to make sure this is what you want.  If he’s the guy for you, he’ll support your decision 100%.

Post # 12
Member
7689 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

One of the best things my dad ever said to me-

“It’s not supposed to be that hard”.  Meaning if your having doubts and things are back and forth, kind of rocky relationship that you are trying to make it work, it’s not the right one.  I took his great advice-and married the man I have been to for 28 yrs.  I think, also, when it’s right you know it.  Can you get away -to another place for a bit to clear your head-to think and see how you feel when you are gone?

Post # 14
Member
609 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I was engaged about 6 years ago, me and my current fiance had broken up & apparently I was not thinking straight! I met a guy on vacation, who seemed PERFECT, and we were engaged with in 3 months! My entire family loved him, I thought I loved him but the closer it got to the wedding the more I think I was in love with the idea of marriage and the fact everyone approved. He was very controlling, he lived in NC and was in the militiary & I lived here in TN, it got to the point that unless I was at work or at home he would freak out. He came to TN on leave about 3 months before the wedding and got mad at me because a guy friend who I had known for years called, he grabbed me pretty hard by the arm.. That did it for me.. I realized that #1 if it was meant to be he wouldn’t treat me like that & would trust me and #2 that he was not the type of person I really wanted to marry.

Post # 16
Member
518 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I called off my first engagement. We started dating our freshman year of college and started talking about marriage in that first year. We got engaged senior year and moved in together after college. We never had any obvious problems but I always felt like I was missing out on getting to see what else what out there since we got together so young. Our first summer living together he had to go to NYC for two months for training for his job and I was really nervous about being alone. I ended up being really happy while he was gone and enjoyed life less when he got back. It took me about two months after he got back to work up the courage to call it off. Fortunately we were having a long engagement so not much had been planned yet (though we did have a deposit on a venue and I had bought my dress). He is a great guy and we are still friends but it was definitely the right decision.

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