Post # 17
I called of 2 prior engagements. The first was because he cheated. The second time there wasn’t a moment. He didn’t do anything wrong. He was actually a very nice guy. I just always had that feeling in the pit of my stomach, that I was going to be making a mistake. I cared for him and he for me, but I could never shake it off. I actually decided to take a “break” if you will. I became much happier during that one week of just living for me. About 2 weeks into the break I called off the engagement and ended the relationship.
I’ve now been married to my DH for 2 months, and I also had cold feet. I questioned all kinds of things, but knew that he was the right one. So there really is a difference between cold feet and real doubt. You need to decided which you’re having.
Post # 18
I didn’t call of a wedding or anything but it was a very, VERYYYYYYYY serious relationship that was going to turn into marriage SOON.
Hurting your self esteem
I kept ignoring the red flags. Back then, I also was super low on self-esteem (<– these two simple words can either make you or break you.) This guy kept hanging out with his ex gf a lot. Went to romantic places with her. Held her in his arms and what not. Would constantly cancel plans, or WORSE, I’d end up waiting for him and he’d be nowhere to be found!!!! Only because his ex gf called him and he had to ‘be there’ for her. And the funny thing is, she was a control freak and that is the reason HE broke up with her. But then she guilted him into being friends with him and he took the bait thinking this will make her feel better after he hurt her feelings by breaking up.
Anyway, that was just HUUUUUUUUUGE ass flag I totally ignored. (This also threw me spiraling further into a hole by lowering my self esteem even more.)
Hurting you professionally
This guy also would restrict me from speaking to guys AT ALL. That was really difficult because in my line of work, it’s at least 90% men! And this way I lost a LOT of business contacts and my professional network plummeted.
Hurting your family
He told he he’ll make sure I NEVER speak to my family again after we are married. And this is for my OWN good. Why’d I believe how this can be good? Because he was sort of a rebel and knew my family won’t approve of him. And my low self-esteem did not allow me to use my brain at all.
I don’t smoke and do not want a smoker. He only just took up smoking a couple years ago or so. His ex-gf seemed to be more successful at making him ‘quit’ than I was. He admitted that he won’t smoke in front of his family either because they don’t approve of it and he’d never do anything to hurt them. I would be coughing and wheezing in the car when he smoked and I’d ask him to kindly put it out, etc. Nope. <– THIS…. of ALL the horrible things (which I have not even mentioned in this post!)…… of ALLLLLLLLLLL the horrible things he’s done, THIS was my LAST STRAW. That day I gave him a super SERIOUS look to turn the car around and drop me home. I NEVER, EVER looked back. Didn’t take the phone calls, emails, etc. I wiped him out clean.
It was that a-ha! moment that PPs have mentioned. If you haven’t had it yet, at least prolong the engagement until you do. I PROMISE you will have it. As humans, we have very good instincts. We sometimes choose to ignore them and prolong our pain instead. But there is only so much we can take. We all have a threshold. It will burst eventually. But back in our heads, we’ll always have this little voice telling us if something is not quite right. This voice is IMPORTANT. This eventually triggers your a-ha! moment. Seems like to me that you have it already. Don’t you?
Post # 19
@sasha2011 – I do have that little voice, but I have yet to have that aha moment. My mother and two of my aunts have told me they don’t see me as happy as I should be or that they feel like I’m settling.
Post # 20
I agree with the PPs who have mentioned that you just know when it’s right. Don’t underestimate that. If you are seriously questioning/worried that you may be settling, you may well be giving up the chance to spend your life with someone who would give you the unquestionable feeling of “rightness.”
Post # 21
They are probably right. They can see you but you cannot see you. If your demeanor is so noticeable to them, it’s not a good sign. Definitely prolong the engagement. If you feel comfortable cancelling it, then do that instead. But please don’t go through with the wedding thinking that things will turn around once you guys are together. There are more struggles after than there are before even if you have lived together previously. It’s mainly because of your mindset. It goes from “I can leave if I want to, I have that freedom” vs. “Omg, this is it. It’s forever. The only option out is divorce.” Do you want to turn into a statistic?
Post # 22
OP I am so glad that I found this post. Like yourself, I’ve been having doubts. What makes my decision difficult is that my Fiance and I are great friends. We have a lot of fun together, but when it comes to sex or making decisions together, our personalities clash BIG TIME! We’ve worked through a lot of issues, but it’s a constant process. Its just hard for me to know what is okay and what isn’t….I havent had that aha moment. Nothing has happened to make me want to throw away our relationship. I just can’t get rid of this nagging voice that keeps telling me DONT DO IT. A big part of me fears that I’ll regret losing this man. I just don’t know what to do.
Post # 23
I am a firm believer in women’s intuition.
It works. Don’t ignore it. — GO WITH YOUR GUT
Post # 24
It’s scary though especially when everyone, I mean everyone loves my Fiance including me. And he is in fact a wonderful man, but we’ve had a really rough past year which included some really hurtful fights. We keep saying that this might not be the right thing, but we love each other and we’re simply not sure. We have a good relationship, but is it good enough? We take care of each other in a way I’ve never experienced….but on the flip side, there are no sparks and we rarely make love. Anyway, I don’t want to threadjack…I just wanted to let the OP know that she isn’t alone. I’m in the same boat and scared to let go…
Post # 25
I’d like to introduce you to the “If he asked me today” theory.
If this man proposed to you today, what would your honest answer be? It would be “I don’t know.”
I wouldn’t plan a wedding based on “I don’t know.” Take some time. Put a hold on things. Speak to him, speak to someone together. It really shouldn’t be so hard.
I ignored my doubts. I acknowledged them by filing for divorce four months later. The only thing I gained by forging ahead with my first wedding was a green roller suitcase and a facebook friend whom I cordially wish happy birthday too each year.
Post # 26
I just knew in my gut that it wasn’t right. I ignored red flags left and right, being caught up in the excitement of a wedding. He was emotionally abusive, and my a-ha moment came AFTER I moved out and called off the wedding… It wasn’t just that something was “off” like I thought. It was that I was in an abusive/controlling relationship and couldn’t even face it.
Go with your gut.
Post # 27
I ended a 4 year relationship that was heading toward marriage – we’d been dating sicne high school, went to college in different states, and lived together over the summer before my senior year. It sounded fine on paper: I loved him, we always had a lot of fun together, he wasn’t emotionally or physically abusive, and we had a lot of the same goals in life. But as our relationship went on I felt I just wasn’t ready to commit. I couldn’t see myself getting married at 22 and never having seriously dated anyone else. When we started dating I thought we were going to break up before college, and it just felt like we kept lingering on.
Eventually I realized that if I married him I might be happy, but I would always regret it. It was very, very hard to break it off – he accused me of lying to him during all the times we talked about getting married or having kids, he called me for weeks to keep talking things over, and his whole family hated me (I’d been close to his family so it hurt.) But I’m very glad I ended it before he did propose, it saved us both even more pain in the long run. I felt so much relief and freedom when it was over – like my entire life was opening back up.
4 years later, I knew within a week of dating my fiance that I wanted to marry him and I have absolutely no regrets. It sounds cliche, but I think that when you know you know, and you can’t force yourself to be certain about something that isn’t. Just my two cents.
Post # 28
If there are nagging doubts, don’t ignore them, but at the very least talk them out with a professional who might be able to dig up the source of your doubts. Your Fiance, if he is an upright person, will support your decision to seek help, and would also hopefully attend sessions with you.
Post # 29
I knew mine was a mistake because everytime we talked about planning the wedding I would feel like I wanted to throw up. I would cry but not beacuse of joy but because I felt like my life was ending. I guess my point is you will know when it is just not right. Trust your gut.
Post # 30
My ex fiance drank WAY too much. He wanted to start AA for me but at the time (I was in my early 20s) I worked in a nightclub and hung out with all my friends from work. I couldn’t imagine dating someone who couldn’t be involved in the rest of my life. Nor did I want to feel guilty every time I had a drink.
Selfish? Maybe but at the time, that was pretty important to me.
TBH.. even now I don’t think I would be super happy to marry someone who I couldn’t enjoy a glass off bubbly with, or a beer or two paired with steaks on the Barby
Post # 31
I just felt horrible, I didn’t want to wear my ring, I didn’t want to say I had an Fiance, I didn’t want to plan a wedding at all. I though it would help to get into it and we bought flutes together, adn I felt like I was going to throw up aftwewards. I was saying things like “there is always divorce.” And well that wasn’t enough becasue I had no backbone so it took meeting my current Fiance and I knew that was the guy I had to marry. Then too I thoughts like, I have to marry my current Fiance first and if it dosn’t work out, this guy will wait for me, yeah right! But yeah it’s really hard and the excuses and senarious I made up were endless.