(Closed) For all who called off their engagement/wedding.. how did you know?

posted 10 years ago in Emotional
Post # 32
Member
4766 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

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@arinda:

I had exactly the same feelings.

Post # 33
Member
6995 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

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@creativeplannertobee: i’ve been saying this to my sister for a while now – i love that your dad says it – relationships are work but they should never be “that hard”

i think if you have doubts outside the normal cold feet kind of thing then you just need to lrecognize what they are and if they are serious doubts.

i never broke off an engagement but my last BF(we dated for 3 years) for about the last year of our relationship i “just knew” we werent going to be together forever but i ignored the feelings for so long that when we finally broke up i wasnt even that upset – because somewhere in my heart i just knew it wasnt the right.looking back im like “why did i hold on to that relationship for a whole year when i knew it wasnt right for me”

I’m a huge believer in gut instinct – you just have to listen closely.

 

Post # 34
Member
325 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I didn’t call my wedding off despite a feeling that I couldn’t shake that I really shouldn’t marry the man I did. As a result of my not listening to my instincts, I spent eight years in a marriage with a man that physically and emotionally abused myself and my oldest child. As a result, I have serious issues stemming from that abuse. PLEASE listen to your instincts. Even if your situation isn’t like mine, your instincts are ALWAYS right.

Post # 35
Member
39 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: April 2012

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@cupcakexo:That’s pretty much the same way I felt. It should not be this hard. I called off my engagement this morning and I am for sure its the best decision ever. Last week I wasn’t, this morning I was. My fiance lied. I was no longer a priority to him. He felt like he should be alloted to give me whatever time he wanted. He took for granted everything I did. He pushed our relationship was to the ends of the Earth. I honestly tell you what I did that changed my mind. I read a post on WB that asked what the most annoying thing you Fiance does? I started thinking about all the annoying things, that then progressed to a list of things that I absolutely hate that he does. So after I made that list I tried to make a list of why I loved him and I couldnt think of anything. When we first got engaged I made a list of all the things I loved about him. I found that list and read it and found that those 300 things no longer applied. How in the hell did I come up with a list so long if I dont love him? It crazy I know

Post # 36
Member
20 posts
Newbee

I just broke off the engagement with my Fiance too…..nothing else really to say other than I just wanted you to know that you’re not alone out here. I know that deep down, these painful feelings that I’m experiencing, they will eventually go away.

Post # 37
Member
39 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: April 2012

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@forevermore:I agree with you. This bites. My hearts not hurting but it seems like I can’t feel anything at all. I can’t even feel flattered when a man comes up to me. Im not bitter but its just that my feelings dont even wanna play right now. Not that Im tryna rush into anything or look for anything. But even when a guy would say something to me while i was engaged/in a relationship, I would be a lil flattered while making sure I didn’t flirt back. I’m flirty (it sucks haha). But honestly as long as I’m not alone for too long, Im fine.

Post # 38
Member
14 posts
Newbee

Please be a lifesaver and help me…My family arranged my marriage to someone I did not know, when I met the person, I did not like him at all but I had to give into family pressure, the marriage was just fixed verbally.Within a week after that the person said something really creepy and vulgar which I was not comfortable with morally and the next day I told my father who called off the whole thing. Now after all this time, a feeling has crept into my mind a guilt that was I pre-destined to meet and marry this guy, if yes, did I make a mistake by finishing things off or was I right (since i did not like him)and the right person chosen by God is out there?Totally confused!!!Is there one person for everyone??

Post # 39
Member
1 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I have been with my fiance for 5 years, friends first.  No passion.  No chemistry.  I know in my heart he’s not the one but I’ve postponed it so long, and I finally cheated and don’t feel guilty.  Plus, if he cheated, I wouldn’t care.  That’s my red flag for breaking off the engagement.  I care deeply for my fiance as a person, but I want so much more in a husband.  Oi.

Post # 41
Member
37 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I too have been struggling with this throughout my engagement. M Fiance and I have known each other for years – we met while in other relationships and became friends. I was even his roommate for a year, at the end of which we had a fling (while I was on the rebound from a relationship I thought was going to end in marriage). After the fling, we didn’t start dating – it took nearly another year for us to settle down and get serious. We then dated for a year, before he proposed, and have had a long (16 month) engagement.

I guess there are a couple of red flags I have noticed. I think our communication stinks. He cannot take criticism – he becomes super defensive, shuts down, and will give me the silent treatment for hours. Eventually he comes back, and has thought it through and usually has a solution, but I think this method is extremely immature. I feel like I am always watching my words – even attempts to help (i.e. when he hurt his shoulder, googling whether he should use heat or ice made him angry because he interpreted it as criticism of his preferred method). It is exhausting. I don’t know if I want to live with this forever.

Our sex life is not so great. It is the same communication problem. I have tried to teach him or tell him what I like, but he says it takes away from him being spontaneous. His instincts, however, are to do things/touch me in ways that just don’t work for me.

He works. A lot. Anywhere from 45-65 hours a week. We live down the street from his parents. We live across the country from mine. He promised when we got engaged we could move closer to my family. When I started applying for jobs to make that a reality – he was no longer on board. Not angry or upset – just avoidance.

And I just have a feeling – a sense of being unfulfilled. I always imagined marriage, and the person I would marry, to treat me a certain way. I imagined we would have a certain kind of relationship – one with passion, and laughter, hanging out on the couch together in the evening and cooking/eating dinner together. I imagined togetherness. I crave more from him – I want him to make me feel safe and valued and supported. I do not currently feel he would love me unconditionally.

I don’t know if my expectations were unrealistic. Our relationship certainly has positives too – we DO laugh. I have a sense of familiarity with him, and I knew from the second I met him he would be part of my future. I can’t imagine not marrying him – but I worrying out problems cannot be overcome. I have made a private, self-decision not to start a family with him until the major problems (communication!) have been solved, but is that enough?

I am just confused. Very confused.

Post # 42
Member
96 posts
Worker bee

Hello,

I cancelled my wedding because  I couldn’t eat or sleep and the anxiety was driving me almost crazy. I don’t know that I “knew” it was the right decision at the time, but it seemed given my whacked out state, the ONLY thing I could do. There was some broken trust involved as well. I also spoke to someone who said, “I don’t think that a minister would marry you guys if he knew the honest truth of how you are feeling. It wouldn’t be a marriage.” I was really sad though because I wanted to marry him so much. What I’ve learned is that anxiety doesn’t always mean the relationship is wrong, doubt doesn’t necessarily mean “don’t” (especially when we are afraid of the bigness of the commitment of marriage), but we do have to trust our guts. Try and get away and listen or talk to a counsellor. You owe it to yourself and to him to figure out whether this is just cold feet or real honest to goodness gut-instinct saying NO.

Best of luck to you.

Post # 43
Member
322 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2013
Post # 44
Member
1 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: April 2014

I’m so glad to see this thread and to read through it…it really helps me feel I’m not the only one that is feeling this way.

My fiance and I met in high school and were friends – but I never really thought of him as more than that.  We met up 6 years or so later and became close again.  We didn’t really have much in common but we got along and had mutual friends – he also helped me to get over a relationship that was in the process of ending.  We started dating about 1-2 years after becoming friends again…it wasn’t a super-romantic “i have to be with him” feeling…but one day i just realized that i was more comfortable with him than with anyone i had ever known.

the first year of dating was great – i was always so exicted to see him and would spend the weekends at his house.  i enjoyed my alone time too but i was busy and in school and felt so excited for what was to come.

the second year of dating he lived together.  it was rocky at first but became super romantic feeling as we began to merge our lives more and more.  he asked me to marry him one night after a party.  he had been drinking so i didn’t take it seriously…but we talked about it a bit and i said i wasn’t ready since i had just graduated and didn’t have my life as together as i wanted it before getting married.  in hindsight, i guess i had doubts but i really did believe they would  fade.

a few months after that i got a job and we moved…into a basement apartment in my parents house.  within a few months of that things got rough…and have been rough on and off since.  i’m working full time now and i like my job…but i don’t have the same excitement about life that i used to.  our group of friends has also changed and i feel less a part of a social circle than i used to.  i feel like my life has become much more mundane and like there’s less to look forward to.

we got engaged a few months ago.  i had been having some “should i end this relationship?” thoughts on and off for several months before but the words just popped out one night (yes, i asked him).  after that, he got a ring and we told everyone.  we haven’t really done more than research venues at this point but i’m scared and unsure of what to do next.

i really like and care about him.  i love him…but i’m not sure if i’m “in love” with him any more…at least maybe not as much as i should be if i’m going to spend my life with him.  he’s a wonderful man – caring, emotional, helpful, loving.  and he cares about me so much.  yes, i could make a list of things i don’t really like about him (he’s not so helpful around the house, we think very differently so communication can be challenging)…but, ultimately he’s wonderful.

i also feel like i’m a little old to “start over.”  i’m 28 and i’d like to have kids within the next 10 years…if i break this off now, there’s a pretty big chance that won’t happen.  and since i felt so happy and sure of things for the first 2 years, i’m worried that i’ll always be waiting for the other shoe to drop.

here’s where i made a mistake i think.  i started dating him without having a period of dating between relationships.  i’ve had a couple serious relationships but that’s it…i know he’s great…but i haven’t had much experience to compare to…and i guess now that we’re looking at “forever” i’m wondering what else is out there.

i’m also wondering if some of these outside factors are playing a role.  living in my parents house isn’t ideal and there have been alot of changes in my life since we got together.  i started seeing a counselor recently to help sort some of this out and we determined that i might have some depression issues going on – working on that with vitamin d supplements and maybe will start a thyroid medication soon.

 

anyway, i’m so sorry to ramble but i’m really not sure what to do here.  do i try and sort out the mitigating factors first (depression, living situation)?  or do i break off the engagement first and get some space/clarity?

i’m worried that breaking it off is the wrong choice…and that if i do that i will be missing out on the love of my life just because i couldn’t get my head on straight.  but right now i feel afraid to plan anything…and that says something to me.

 

 

Post # 44
Member
1 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: April 2016

I’m going though the same thing and have found great comfort in knowing I am not alone. At only 21 years of age and my fiancé at 23 I’m not sure I’m ready to commit to him but am too scared to break it off having already held our engagement party, bought the dress and booked venues. My real worry is that I will end up another divorce statistic but at this rate it is inevitable. Will be booking couples counselling for us and will assess our relationship as to where we should end up. It’s so hard to actually say the words that lead to break up but I know that for everyone that already has it’s been for the better.

Post # 45
Member
103 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2016

I was 2 months out from my wedding, when I called it off. I knew from the start it wasn’t what I wanted but I felt like we had to do it (we had a child together!) but one day my Dad told me “you  know you don’t have to do this, right” and that was all I needed to hear! We did not get along, fought all the time, and just didn’t like each other. It wasn’t easy telling some of the family (esp his parents) that we weren’t doing it, but it was def for the best. We would of never made it. He is now married, I am engaged, and get along much better co-parenting then we would of ever as a couple. I just wish I would of trusted my gut sooner, and we would of never got that far. I knew when he proposed (handed me a ring while in the grocery store, and just said “here”) that it wasn’t right or what I wanted, but I still went along with the motions. I was 20 and still a baby! Im 31 now and so happy I waited for my right one. If you’re really having doubts, take a step back and really think about it!

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