(Closed) For all who called off their engagement/wedding.. how did you know?

posted 10 years ago in Emotional
Post # 46
Member
5 posts
Newbee

I called off my first engagement with a guy who I thought I loved. Turned out I was just in love with the thought of a wedding and getting married. I was 21 and he was only 19 and we both thought we were madly in love. After a couple months of being “engaged” (didnt give me a ring because he couldnt afford one so it was just a verbal agreement I guess) I told him I couldnt do it. He begged me to stay. The thing was there was nothing wrong with him, I just wasnt in love like I thought I was and I realized I didnt want to marry this man.

Post # 47
Member
9 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2015

View original reply
MrsB316:  

 

Omg this is my exact situation. We are two months out,  have a one year old son together, and i steady have doubts. I’m so terrified to marry this man. I know this isnt how i should be feeling at this point. I’m not the type to act on emotions and call something off based on one argument, but we literally fight all the time. We butt heads over absolutely everything. He is arrogant and defensive and loves to push issues under the rug. I can’t live this way forever. Its not easy to know what i should do. Part of me wants to walk away from the relationship  and the other part of me is just like, ” marry him and deal with it. You aren’t gonna find anyone else “

Post # 48
Member
824 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

My first fiance seemed to change once we got engaged and I wonder if he did it (got engaged) just not to lose me. He would get really mad and start a fight any time I brought up making wedding plans. He was rude about it. I don’t think he understood that engagement = wedding planning. I did not have an A-ha moment until I met someone else. I knew that if I wanted to date another guy that I should not be engaged. I also knew that guy wasn’t the reason for the impending break up but served mostly to help me break away and move on a bit, to give up on trying since it was clear that it wasn’t working. I never went out with the other guy until after I had given the ring back, and we only went out a few times.

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 3 months ago by  muguet.
Post # 49
Member
13 posts
Newbee

I just ended my engagement last week. We were together for three years, and had only been engaged less than a month. When I looked at my ring I didn’t feel excited- I felt trapped. It was like a shackle. When I watched Say Yes To The Dress and the women described how their fiances make them feel (“he is the kindest man I have ever known,” and “he makes me feel so safe and loved and like a princess”) I thought to myself, “I don’t feel like that at all.” I also realized that I am much more relaxed and happy when he is not around, like if I would be out of town for the weekend I was a lot happier, and didn’t want to go home.

We fought all the time- many times a week, mostly about his drinking. He was great when sober, but very mean, hostile, and argumentative when drunk. He liked to yell and cuss and throw things. Unfortunately at the end he was drinking every day, including taking a car service to the bar by himself on work nights and coming home stumbling and slurring his words.

I want a Leave It To Beaver life with kids, a house, a dog, and a partner who wants to be responsible and do his 50% share. I didn’t feel I could have that with this man. I saw a life of mysery and fighting.

It was sad to leave, but two days before I left he tossed apart two rooms of our home in a drunken stupor, and shoved me across a room in addition to spending over an hour yelling and cussing at both me and his mom. It was the final straw I needed to know without a doubt that I had to leave.

I want kids and a house and a marriage very badly, but not badly enough to continue in that situation. It breaks my heart to have to go back to the drawing board, but I knew this was wrong. He asked yesterday if we would be able to start over if he quit drinking. I said I thought that we would have a shot if he quit, but I don’t believe in my heart he will quit for long-term. I have gotten an apartment of my own for a 6-month lease to see what happens, but I am 99% sure I will be signing a longer lease in 6 months.

If you are in doubt, know this: it is better to figure it out BEFORE walking down the aisle. Delay the wedding if you aren’t sure and aren’t ready to completely call it off. A cancelled wedding is disappointing, but far less so than wasted years and the cost and turmoil of a divorce.

 

Post # 50
Member
5 posts
Newbee

View original reply
itscomplicated:  hey sweetie! Curious how this turned out… Did you get married? How are you feeling? I called off an engagement a long time ago and am curious. 

Post # 52
Member
251 posts
Helper bee

 

I need you help… I still ping over my ex boyfriend (who I dumped  ) I know he was not the best for me and we would have divorced 100% if we married yet I still blame myself for thinking I should have pandered to him and did what he says. After we broke up we dated off and on again and the behaviour got worse.

-we never went on trips either far away or day trips. In the 3 years we dated, we only went on one road trip and that was a 40 minute drive from our city. That’s it To me travelling is important! even a drive to another close beach is good with me! Doens’t have to be expensive!

-the only dates he wanted to do was sit in his car or walk in the park.

-He wouldn’t spend Christmas with me or Christmas eve… instead was volunteering because as he said, he purposely didn’t want to see me

– he would promise to take me out for a big surpise on my bday. I touch base with him, then he tells me he has other plans and promises to take me out the following week. On that rescheduled date, he texts me asking what I am doing and saying he was at home enjoying a dinner. I feel like he was doing that to tease me. He had done that to me before as well when my house had not water or electricity for 4 days, he didn’t offer for me to come over, instead, he texted me saying he was enjoying dinner at his place. I even had coworkers saying I could come over and shower at their places, but my own boyfriend didn’t offer. He said I was being a princess and that other people had it worse. This was in the middle of a -30 Cel Winter!

-he told me why I am buying makeup. Even though I buy makeup like once or twice a year tops for around $ 100.                – he accused me of slashing someone’s tires and had me on tape which is absolutely untrue.                                                         – he kept comparing me to my friends and saying how they are better than me

-When I aws sexually harrassed he told me I was “asking for it” and that “i should enjoy it”

-when I was shoved on the subway platform (big city, so public transit gets crowded… one dy some man just randomly shoved me with intent to hurt me, this was not a mistake), he told me “i was asking for it”

-he told me I had to “earn” presents and dinner. That he counldn’t send me flowers or presents because I was expecting it and it would ruin the surprise.

-he told me he was designing me an engagement ring, then told me it was a joke

-he  lied to me all the time

– he brought out the worst in me… my coworkers would know when I went out with him because I would come into work gruchy the next day.

-he would never go window shopping with me

 

Decisions were always on his terms. If we agreed to something, he would say he would do it, but turn around and do it his way

He was cheap in that he wore raggy clothes and shoes

–he would only see me after 8pm

-worse of all, after we broke up, he infiltrated my group of friends and created a huge rift between myself and my best friend which we are no longer on speaking terms… he has obviously feed her horrible lies so bad that she is no longer speaking to me and I have been disinvited to her wedding and can no longer be her bridesmaid 🙁 It hurts a lot! Yet he is attending the wedding

– also we never celebrated anniversaries… I had to do the planning and beg him.. .one year he returned from a work trip and didn’t even see me, instead ran off to someon’s bday party instead of seeing me and celebrating anniversary

-even though I had enough of kissing or whatever, he would make me continue L Others guys stop when I ask them to do so

 

-I was a happy cheerful person prior to dating him… while with him, I was miserable and angry… people comment that I am happier now… more people approach now too.

Was I being too unreasonable?

  • This reply was modified 5 years ago by  sesame.
  • This reply was modified 5 years ago by  sesame.
Post # 53
Member
7650 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

Nevermind. 5 year old thread…

Post # 54
Member
5 posts
Newbee

View original reply
angel2206:  Good for you! We women have a gut, and we need to listen to it. Sounds like you dodged a bullet. Now go enjoy your life!

Post # 55
Member
2 posts
Wannabee

I’m posting here, even though I’m not sure anyone reads this because two years ago I found myself late at night panicky googling things like “broken engagements” and “wedding doubts”. This thread was one of the things I came across during those awful, sleepless nights and I thought I’d share what happened next.

For context, I was engaged to a wonderful man whom i had been with for eight years, I was aged 30 and ready to settle down and everything else in my life was going well. But it didn’t feel right.

I threw myself into the wedding preparations and talked to friends and family about the day as though I was excited. But every night the feeling of dread came and I couldn’t shake it.

I was terrified of listening to my gut: how would I cope with being single in my 30s? What if I never met anyone? What if I met someone awful and regretted the decision? Maybe it was just cold feet and once I get married it will feel different?

In the end, I couldn’t lie to myself so I took the hardest decision of my life so far and called it off. I knew I would make him miserable and that I would always wonder “what if”.

If you have stumbled on this thread late at night, I’m here to tell you it will be ok. You will be ok. And he will be ok.

Yes it was hard at the beginning but knowing I was true to myself was a huge relief. Mostly the early days were feelings of relief and guilt. The guilt took a long time to leave. 

Fortunately, he met someone else and they are getting married. 

For me, single life was fun and liberating in a way that I learnt that there are many ways to live a fulfilling life. That does not need to mean marriage and children. 

But after some time, I met someone. I had a beautiful relationship with a man that nourished my soul but was not really a fit for me longterm.

And then I met my now boyfriend and fell in love. We have been together for ten months now and we are talking about a life together. It doesn’t make me panic, it makes me feel excited about the future. It makes me feel calm about the future. Deep down I know this is right for me. And that is the only way to approach marriage. 

Good luck and be courageous x 

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 11 months ago by  Ruskd2.
Post # 56
Member
291 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2016 - 1950s themed bar

View original reply
Rockstar77:  I don’t think there is one person out there, and I don’t believe that God destines people to be together. I think he can help put people together, but it would be so unfair for people if their other half died or something! Then would God expect you to be single your whole life??? I believe that God gave us free will so that we could use it; it’s up to us who we marry. If your instinct about this guy told you that you didn’t want to marry him, then I think you made the right choice. 

Post # 57
Member
144 posts
Blushing bee

View original reply
cupcakexo:  Hi sweetie. I was engaged for about a year with my high school sweetheart (we dated for 8.5 years) and he has been my only relationship. We broke off our engagement about a year after he proposed due to our lives seemingly going down different paths, on top of severe anxiety I was getting around the one year mark before our wedding (never suffered from anxiety before.) I’m a Christian woman, so I personally believe the anxiety was brought on by God to force me to “wake up” and see that this was going to be a mistake (although I still think my ex-fiancee is a good person, he was verbally and emotionally abusive with me). None of my friends really supported us being together, nor did my mother. When there’s so many signs (friends, some family, and “acts of God”) start to happen, well, that’s when we decided to break it off. It’s been 4 months now, and I still wonder if we made a mistake, but I’m trying to just put all my faith in God and pray that He knows a better plan for my life.

I pray that you find peace in your trials right now. If you ever want to privately message me, I’d be happy to talk more. <3

Post # 58
Member
3305 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

This was.few months post-college graduation. One weekend I realized  I’d rather go to a local party than drive 2 hours to see him. Plus I had my eye on someone else (who I didn’t even wind up dating because it turned out he as seeing a friend of mine). I drove there and he kept whining and complaining about my state and its beaches and how the beaches in his state were so much better. That solidified things for me; I ended it right there. I missed him at first but it was the way you’d miss a bad habit. He was something I’d gotten used to that wasn’t particularly good for me.

Post # 60
Member
175 posts
Blushing bee

View original reply
Karma_k88:  Hi , I was curious to see how you are making out ? Did you go through with the wedding? 

Post # 60
Member
5 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: November 2019

View original reply
blg529 :  I am considering doing the same thing. How did you start the conversaion to end it? i want to remain friends with my fiancee but i am afraid he won’t take this very well. I am so nervou but i know something isn’t right and i can’t keep this going 

 

The topic ‘For all who called off their engagement/wedding.. how did you know?’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors