(Closed) For anyone who has had a miscarriage.

posted 5 years ago in TTC
Post # 1
Member
2544 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

There have been too many women that have had to experience the pain of having a miscarriage. Or multiple miscarriage, like me.

So this is dedicated to all of you – my faceless sisters – whom I’ve never met and yet we understand eachother.

****************************

What do I do with these positive sticks now?

That moment they gave me the best news of my life, and now they torture me.

If I throw them out, I lose the last thing I have of you, my wanted baby, my now angel.

If I keep them, I’m only hoarding pain.

What do I do with this feeling of guilt?

Didn’t I pray loud enough?

Didn’t you hear how badly we wanted you?

What do I do with this cramp in my gut?

This pad is uncomfortable and every time I move I’m reminded of why I’m wearing it.

This Tylenol numbs the anger in my belly but not the sadness in my heart.

What do I do with all these plans that I’ve made?

Do I just let them go?

Do I just move on?

What do I do with those sad faces looking at me?

Do I fake a smile and say I’m ok?

Do I break down and make you worry about me?

What do I do to get what I need?

How do I tell to just give me a hug?

I don’t want to hear yet how we’ll try again.

We had it.

It was there.

And now it’s gone.

What do I do with my mirror?

Last time I looked in it I saw a big imaginary belly.

Now I see nothing.

What do I do next time?

How do I trust my body again?

How do I enjoy being pregnant again?

What do I do with my dream?

It used to be so simple.

It used to be so pure.

Now it’s gotten real.

Real scary.

Real hard.

Real life.

Real loss.

Real.

But what do I do with myself?

I survive.

I will thrive.

And now I will never take a child for granted.

Please, let me be next.

Please, let my dream come true.

Please, let me one day hold my dream come true.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Post # 3
Member
869 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

wow, this so perfectly details each emotion and questions I have had since my mc.  As heartbreaking as this is, I will keep saying the last 3 lines over and over.

 

xoxox

Post # 4
Member
80 posts
Worker bee

@Sunshine09:  This was absolutely beautiful and I cried while reading it.  I had a miscarriage in August and the pain still lingers.  I’m pregnant again, but I’m not in the safe zone.. and like you perfectly questioned above… I don’t know how to trust my body and enjoy being pregnant.  Not yet anyhow.  It’s scary and sad, all at the same time.  My thoughts are with you.. and thank you so much for sharing that.

Post # 5
Member
2856 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Beautiful. And the test sticks…..I took my digi out the morning I MC’d, and found that the battery had died and my Pregnant prediction was gone. I found that symbolic, and threw them all out then. I can’t bring myself to delete the pictures I took on my phone though. My torture now is the card I bought for Darling Husband telling him he was going to be a Daddy……it’s still sitting on the windowsill.

*HUGS*

Post # 6
Member
84 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

This is so perfect. Nobody can truly understand the heartbreak unless they have experienced a m/c. I could’ve never imagined how sad and empty I would feel. 🙁 *hugs* to you for having to go through another.

Post # 7
Member
1721 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

This is so SO SO true. Every word. So beautiful, yet so heartbreaking. The pain and the emptiness still hurts 6 months later. 🙁 The FB pregnancy announcements, the healthy babies. I want to be so happy for them, but I stilll hurt so bad.

I think the WORST part of it all, was not throwing away the positive tests…it was when I went in for my D&C. While waiting for pre-op, I had to wait in the room with all of the family members waiting for their loved ones to have their perfect babies. As I was waiting, a proud dad came out and said “It’s a BOY!” and the family was so happy. While I sat in a chair, sobbing, asking “Why us?”Why was I about to have surgery to remove the baby that my body had still not recognized was not viable?

It’s just not fair. I am so sorry for you beautiful ladies’ losses. 🙁

 

Post # 8
Member
1251 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2009

I kept checking both digitals until they had both shut off.

It’s almost as if it never happened (in everyone else’s mind) but it’s all I can think about.

I work in the ER (we type up ROL and anyone past 20 weeks to go upstairs) and when a baby is born, there is a little chime that plays all around the hospital. It hurts so, so much every single time I hear it. I know it’s cruel, and unfair to be mad at the girls that are 15-16-17 and having their second child…but it makes me furious. We wanted a baby, planned for a baby, were waiting for a positive for such a long time. It’s really hard.

No one in my family and circle of friends understands. It’s the worst feeling ever, and I can’t shake it. FH tries to cheer me up, but my entire attitude since the MC has been one of anger and sadness. He’s holding up on the outside much better than I am, but I can see that it’s hurting him too.

I just don’t know what to do.

I’m sorry for everyone’s losses :/ This is a horrible thing to go through.

Post # 9
Member
2544 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@AcheneMalefic:  It’s not cruel – I’m angry at every pregnant woman I see. That chime must be pure torture.

We were watching a show last night with a baby shower scene, and my husband asked me if I wanted to fast forward it, and I said I have to get used to it, it’s everywhere.

I don’t know either how to deal with this empty feeling.

I just feel numb.

Post # 10
Member
2544 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@MrsMaskatoBe:  that waiting room must have felt like hell. I had to do it too, when I had my first mc, and had to keep my scheduled ultrasound, and had to sit in the waiting room full of pregnant glowing women, and then had to tell the technician who was all bright eyed that I was there for a miscarriage follow up. Her face FELL. It was awful.

Post # 11
Member
696 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2010

This is beautiful. I have not experienced your pain, but my heart goes out to you. Be strong. Women are incredible.

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