- 6 years ago
- Wedding: August 2012
There have been too many women that have had to experience the pain of having a miscarriage. Or multiple miscarriage, like me.
So this is dedicated to all of you – my faceless sisters – whom I’ve never met and yet we understand eachother.
What do I do with these positive sticks now?
That moment they gave me the best news of my life, and now they torture me.
If I throw them out, I lose the last thing I have of you, my wanted baby, my now angel.
If I keep them, I’m only hoarding pain.
What do I do with this feeling of guilt?
Didn’t I pray loud enough?
Didn’t you hear how badly we wanted you?
What do I do with this cramp in my gut?
This pad is uncomfortable and every time I move I’m reminded of why I’m wearing it.
This Tylenol numbs the anger in my belly but not the sadness in my heart.
What do I do with all these plans that I’ve made?
Do I just let them go?
Do I just move on?
What do I do with those sad faces looking at me?
Do I fake a smile and say I’m ok?
Do I break down and make you worry about me?
What do I do to get what I need?
How do I tell to just give me a hug?
I don’t want to hear yet how we’ll try again.
We had it.
It was there.
And now it’s gone.
What do I do with my mirror?
Last time I looked in it I saw a big imaginary belly.
Now I see nothing.
What do I do next time?
How do I trust my body again?
How do I enjoy being pregnant again?
What do I do with my dream?
It used to be so simple.
It used to be so pure.
Now it’s gotten real.
But what do I do with myself?
I will thrive.
And now I will never take a child for granted.
Please, let me be next.
Please, let my dream come true.
Please, let me one day hold my dream come true.