(Closed) For Bees who called off wedding/relationship and moved on…

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
2188 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2024

First off I wanted to say how strong you are for knowing it wasn’t right and calling off the wedding. I wish I had done that, instead I got married and divorced within a year, and cost my parents a fortune.

My SO was the first guy I dated after my divorce and we’ve been together almost a year and a half. I wasn’t looking for a relationship but when we started hanging out as just friends then a few months later it turned in to more just naturally everything clicked. I feel like I am a hole person, with my marriage I always knew something was off and just not right, I wasn’t complete or happy, now I can 100% say that my SO is the one, I have no doubts, everything is just right and we are so happy.

In regards to you not knowing if you’ll want a big wedding in the future eh I think when you find the right person that is something you can decide together. I know for a fact that after I already had the big wedding, I don’t ever want that again, it was a lot of money and stress that I didn’t need. My SO and I already said if we get married it will be a very small, laid back wedding/reception party type thing.

Also I don’t think if your guests get an invite from you in the future about a wedding they will be thinking “oh it’s her second try etc” if they are friends/family they should be happy that you found someone that you want to be with forever and that you were strong enough to call off the last one.

I wish you the best!

Post # 4
Member
213 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I don’t have a lot of advice because I am going through it now and its only been 3 weeks since he told me he didn’t love me. But one thing I learned from all of this is to stay as strong as possible, don’t show him that your upset. Keep your mind busy by doing stuff you enjoy or take up a new hobby, in my case I started running like crazy! It works so well because I’m out in the fresh air with a playlist I made just for running which gets me motivated. We’re all here for you <3

Post # 5
Member
1326 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I also commend you for having the tremendous strength to call off the wedding and move on towards greater happiness. Really, that is very courageous.

I also wish I’d had the strength to walk during my first engagement over 10 years ago. I knew the relationship was all wrong and I didn’t even love the guy much. It just felt like it was too late with all the planning and money spent. I was in my early 20’s, young, scared and prone to making the WRONG choices. I knew it was the wrong decision when I was saying my vows. It was horrible.

Immediately after the wedding, everything got MUCH worse. The honeymoon was HORRIBLE. I first kicked him out of the house about a month into the marriage. I kicked him out 3 or 4 times before it escalated to the point that I was scared shitless.

I filed for divorce 6 months after my wedding. It was the best decision, but the worst was not listening to myself and getting married in the first place. Divorce is AWFUL and so much different than just breaking up. I had not expected that part. I went into a depression for a while and basically swore off relationships for about 5 years.

What I did was make some radical changes in my career direction and made many new friends in the process. I found purpose and joy in my work and in volunteering. It was the best thing I could have done for myself. 

Looking back, I have no regrets. Everything that has happened in my life has led to the point where I am right now and I’ve never been happier. My Fiance is the love of my life and I’ve known it since the day we met. 

It will happen for you, too. Promise! ๐Ÿ˜‰ Just keep your head focused on positivity and personal growth. It’s time for YOU.

Post # 7
Member
401 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

I’m so sorry to hear you’re going through this.

I haven’t called off an engagment before, but I have left multiple relationships, a few of which were abusive, so I can relate, and I totally feel for you.  ((hugs))

For me, the second consecutive abusive relationship ended when I finally said enough is enough.  I blocked his phone number and really, honestly, had no interest in getting back together (again) or in talking to him (again).  I think just making the conscious decision to respect myself enough to walk away…. it was the beginning of a major change in my life.

There was a rebound guy–and while he wasn’t the right guy, he wasn’t a bad choice either (i.e., respectful, honest, and not abusive in any way).  I think that dating him was an important step in realizing that I could in fact trust my judgement again and got me prepared to date again once I was ready.

Once I broke up with him, though, I was forced to deal with ME… with how I was going to move on as an individual.  I didn’t even really mean to do it, it just happened. But I went ahead and cut off unhealthy “friendships” I’d been hanging on to just out of politeness, and focused instead on the GOOD friends I already had and on making some new ones, ones who were in the same life stage as I was (most of my friends at that time were engaged or married, and I wanted some single friends).  I found a new job and quit the job I hated, I moved to a new town that I loved, and I found what hobbies and interests make me ME.  I even started a small side business.  I took A LOT of time by myself.  I don’t mean just being single, I mean I actually spent time alone, just with myself, and found that I really like my own company.  I treated myself well–I cooked for myself, ate healthy meals, took the time to exercise, and went on my dream vacation.  I found faith–not religion, as I’m not really a religious type–but I found my own alternative spirituality and began to believe that everything would work out as it should.  I guess the best way to put it would be to say that I finally found my stride.  I knew who I was, my confidence grew, and I was actually happy for the first time in years.  I felt like the adult woman that I always wanted to be….not one half of an unhealthy relationship, not a depressed single girl…. I was, and am, exactly who I was always supposed to be.

And wouldn’t you know it, a year after I broke up with that rebound guy, I met my fiance.  He is the most amazing man I’ve ever met, he treats me with respect, and he’s loyal, kind, generous, smart, and handsome.  He’s everything I have ever dreamed of, and all the things I never thought I could have or deserved.  Five years ago I never would have believed you if you told me that it was all going to work out this way, and that one day I would meet the right guy.  But I can honestly tell you that NOW, I believe that everything happens for a reason.  Those awful relationships I had were some of the worst years of my life, but if they hadn’t happened, I can’t say with certaintly that I’d have become the person that my fiance ultimately fell in love with. 

I know it’s hard, and again, I’m so, so sorry you’re going through this, but I’m living proof that it’s going to be okay.  You’re doing what’s right for you and starting your life down the RIGHT path.  Eventually that path will lead you to the right person, and all of this will just seem like a bad memory, I promise ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 8
Member
155 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

When I was 19, I met a 25 year old guy and started dating him. He had a motorcycle, criminal record, and was one of the biggest pathological liars I ever met in my life.

I dated him for 4 years. I bought a house because his credit was terrible (Luckily, it was only in my name). I signed for a car loan because his credit sucked and he broke a door when I originally said no.

My saving grace from this was my Fiance. I met him at work and we became close friends. I didn’t know it but he loved me. He talked about me to his family and friends.

As things grew worse with the loser (I found out he was contacting women online for sex). I slowly started spending more time with Fiance. I realized I deserved better.

I tried to break it off with the loser. He cried. I told him we would see if it got better but I knew it was over. It was just so hard to let go of 4 years.

A few nights later, Fiance and I kissed for the first time. I went home with the intention of breaking up with the loser. He tried to propose, ring and all. I told him no, I was done. I packed up my stuff and my dog and went to my mom’s house.  I never looked back.

Although some might say I rushed into a relationship with Fiance, it just felt right. He loves me more than I could ever imagine. He would do anything for me. He is successful, amazing with money management, and my perfect match. We are getting married in just over 2 months. We’ve been together almost 5 1/2 years now.

I know now (after lots of therapy) that I was rebelling against my parents and their divorce that happened when I was 9. I am the oldest child and I never allowed myself to grieve because I felt I needed to be strong for my younger siblings. I was forced to grow up way too fast and I thought I was an adult when I was still a child. I thought that I should be buying a house, in a serious relationship, talking marriage and children at 19. Thank God I didn’t get pregnant with the loser.

I’ve had to sue him for the personal loan I signed for and had to sell my vehicle to pay off. Apparently, final payment is in the mail. Hopefully, this will be the end of him in my life.

I do at time regret giving the loser so much of myself and wasting so much time with him. However, I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t have gone down the career path I did and met Fiance if I hadn’t so for that, I’m thankful.

You are the only person that can gauge whether you are ready or not. People have their opinions and are not afraid to voice them to you. I know I certainly heard a lot of them. But Fiance is my soulmate and I’m glad I didn’t listen to anyone else tell me I wasn’t ready.

Post # 9
Member
1562 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

I’m going through a messy divorce right now, and believe me, its tough.  I have posts on here about him abusing me, and his psychosis.  We did have my dream wedding – my dress, flowers, colors, fonts, cake, formal wedding certificates, invitations, unity cross, church – everything was perfect.  But the marriage wasn’t.

XH had schizoaffective disorder, so the rate of failure was high anyways.  He led me to believe that he believed in God, and was 100% committed to our marriage.  But, when push came to shove, his parents won out over God and me.  No matter what, his parents are still in control of him, and refused to allow the marriage to continue, so he moved back home.

I have a feeling that in the future, I will date again, and may even get married again. But thinking about how much of my day was perfect, I really want to go back and not have it, so I can have it again in the future.  Does that make sense?

Anyways, hugs to you – you are strong, and will get through this.

Post # 10
Member
120 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

You are so brave for walking and you deserve so much more than that douchebag had to offer you!!

 

I dont have a story myself but I do have one of a friend. 

 

She was 19, had been with the guy for 3 years, they had a daughter who was 2 and she knew she didnt want to get married. I told her she didnt have to go through with it (she made accusations that he hit her) I told her she could stay with me any time until she was back on her feet but she declined and married the guy anyway because she was scared of upsetting him and everything was paid for. It was a beautiful wedding we all had a great time (they were both great friends of mine and i didnt believe that he was violent at all), a few days later she tells me how much of a mistake she made but it was official now, this was in october. Come January at our works xmas party (always have it later lol dunno why) she kisses another guy who was her husbands good friend, she started an affair and now they are together, they are very happy and has another child with this man, she found her SO and besides the child they are taking things slow so i guess good things can come out of bad relationships. 

Be glad you dont have to go through a divorce and that you dont have children with that horrible man, youll come out of this a stronger person! instead of focusing on other men and future weddings you should get into a relationship with yourself, take up a new hobby and love yourself and when mr right comes along you will be the perfect you for a perfect relationships. 

 

Breakups are tough but everything happens for a reason 

 

Love and hugs xxx

Post # 11
Member
2376 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Kudos for being brave enough and strong enough to call it off when you knew it wasn’t right!  I didn’t call off my engagement to my ex (though my best friend was secretly hoping I would and was ready to drive the getaway car), we ended up splitting a few months after the wedding.  Honestly, I think my friends and family were more surprised that I went through with it than if I had called it off.  We had a Destination Wedding in Vegas with a few friends and family members.  The aftermath sucked, emotionally and financially, and it was scary as hell. But I realized I was happier alone than miserable with him.

Enjoy your time to yourself.  Find out what makes YOU happy.  Do things that maybe you thought were silly, like taking a cooking class or learn how to knit, or kickbox or whatever! 

When I started dating my fiance, it wasn’t supposed to be anything.  Just fun, and nothing significant.  Except it somehow became significant, and to add to the fun, we were long distance for the first almost 2 years.  We’ve been living together for 3 years now, and I don’t know how I decided I wanted to get married again.  I didn’t want to ever be married actually, and after the first train wreck, I figured I was done.  Somehow, the topic came up, and I realized that I wanted to stand up in front of friends and family and say this is the one I’ve picked, and I’m keeping him.  I wanted the stupid white dress and a pretty cake.  So we’re having a small wedding (64 people) because we want the people we really love and care about there.  So technically, this one will be nearly 10x the size of the first wedding!

Don’t worry about your family.  They’ll support you and trust me, they’d MUCH rather see a called off wedding than deal with the aftermath of a 3 month marriage.  Well technically, it was a year and a day marriage due to NC’s lovely divorce laws.  But you get the idea.  When I announced this engagement, my family’s reaction across the board was ‘oh good, we actually like this one’.  Shows what they thought of the ex ๐Ÿ˜›  Seriously, your loved ones just want you to be happy. 

Oi, this is a much longer post than I planned.  Don’t worry about the future too much (easier said than done, I know).  Find your happiness, and when you’re ready, the right one will come along. 

Post # 12
Member
2474 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I’ll try to keep this as short as I can because I could probably write a book.

I called off my first engagement. I honestly dont even know how it got as far as it did in the first place. In the end I knew it was the right thing to do ….neither of us was happy anymore, and believe me I had it all planned out too just like you…. the guests, the decos, the flowers, etc etc… I was in my last semester of engineering school and I was so stressed out, i couldnt see straight. My whole group of friends basically discarded me (apparently he had been poisoning them against me for months)…so literally the day we ended things everyone deleted me off their social media and out of their lives. (talk about having to start fresh)

After we split up I had met someone new (actually from school but in a diff major/but same program), and we both had just gottin out of pretty intense relationships so to speak, so we were more friends with benefits (neither wanted to be into anything serious at the time). As the months went on we just clicked so well and it was so easy between us. He had some BIG GIANT walls built up because of what this hoe bag did to him….mine…. mine were gone because I kind of had closure very fast (I was just….DONE), so I did fall for him before he did me (officially).

I dont know how to explain it… but he’s the best person I could have ever met. We bought a house together after 1 year, got engaged 11 months later, we’re now approaching our 3 year in May and our wedding is in august! I’m not going to say things ending with my ex didnt hurt, or wasnt confusing, or didnt leave me feel like WTF happens next? but I can tell you it will work out the way its supposed to! As cliche as it is….

But all the feelings you have of being embarrassed… calling guests, calling vendors… been there! I was worried about comments from people when they heard I was engaged again, but most people havent said a word…. just genuinely happy. I had a few funny joking “ha-ha” jabs from some close friends but I kind of expected that lol. (meant in fun)

I wouldnt change anything that’s happened to me … because if certain things hadn’t happened I wouldnt be where I am today, and I wouldnt be marrying the most wonderful person on the planet. I finally found the person that makes me feel whole and like I have a purpose.

Planning the wedding has been a task lol…. as you did… I planned what I thought was my perfect wedding. Now I have a COMPLETELY different wedding planned and it could not be more perfect. I did do a few things different on purpose…. colours, some BMs (mainly cause I dont talk to them anymore lol) but dont worry…. it will come naturally. There’s been a few awkward moments, but nothing drastic. (my mom is a bit of a blabbermouth who cant keep a secret to save her life, so I was afraid she was going to have some …”slips” and say something not…. appropriate to the FIL’s)…. like “oh last time….” hahaha… they know I was engaged but not down to the detail like for how long/how far into the process I was…. my fiance thinks the past is the past so he doesnt care to know.

all I can say is it will take time to heal, but something better is out there for you….if I can get through this…… anyone can ๐Ÿ™‚

 

 

 

 

 

Post # 13
Member
407 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@MissEMich:  Mostly, I’m writting in to give you and bit of… well, positive thoughts in your direction.  Its really hard at first, there’s no way around that.  Eventually, it gets better.  New friends come into your life, you find new things you enjoy doing.  New talents even get discovered. 

I’m 37, engaged to a guy that will be 30 next month.  He has qualities that (don’t laugh) remind me of my dad, but thankfully doesn’t look like him.  He laughs ALL THE TIME.  Its a big deal to me to find someone who knows how to laugh, hanging out with him is FUN.  When it comes to money, he’s got it together.  No, we don’t have loads of it, but he’s so good at managing what we do have.  Irony, I wouldn’t have met him if it hadn’t been for my ex husband.  My ex introduced me to some people that he knew but wasn’t super close to.  When we divorced, I started going to the coffee shop they hung out at and ended up with this crazy group of friends.  To this day, some of these people are the core group of people in my life and these are the people that introduced me to my guy.  One of these people is the best friend of my Fiance and will be officiating a the the wedding.  If it hadn’t been for that awful break up and divorce, then I wouldn’t have this happy little world I live in now.

As for what you lost out on the wedding (read the other post before posting) just chalk it up to the equivalent of a divorce.  It sucks.  Break ups suck.  Divorce sucks.  However, now you’re out of that situation and get a new start and you’re young!  You’re young, you have a new bit of wisdom on life.  No one will ever be able to pull that nonsense on you again because you’ll see it a mile away.  When you meet a good one, well, you’ll have a better idea of what that is also.  Not only that, but you’ll appreciate the good one when that happens and you’ll have better tools to keep a strong relationship strong.  You’ll have better wisdom for planning a wedding if that comes up as well.  You might not want the same kind of wedding, but you’ll have a good idea of how to put together what ever future amazaguy and you decide you want.  

Its a big world, with some amazing things in it, and its all yours to explore.  Not only that, it sounds like you have your stuff together, and that will make exploring more fun and less stressful. 

Post # 14
Member
7651 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

I was with someone for nearly 4 years. He was very verbally and emotionally abusive, stubborn, loud, secretive, and he cheated on me. He was always hiding money, spending it on things like magazine subsciptions, memberships, and expensive clothes. He was a job hopper and never knew what he wanted to do. He also smoked, ended up in a two week stay at rehab for taking too many pills…it was a mess. I stayed with him because we already had an apt together and felt it would be too much work to get out of this relationship (even though my parents begged me) and that I’d never find anyone else since I didn’t go out. My anxiety disorder made me stay with him.

One night, after weeks of fighting, we agreed to have a pizza and movie night and just chill. Instead, I came home from a 10 hour workday and found him passed out on the chair from a whole bottle of vodka (he wasn’t old enough to drink yet). I couldn’t wake him up. I called his brother, who took him in the bathroom and forced him to throw up. As I sat on the side of the tub watching this guy throw up and tell me how fat and ugly I was, how he didn’t want to marry me, was going to kill everyone he hated and smoke weed every night, I thought, “Really? This is want you want Megz?”

After being belligerent he decided to try to take a swing at his brother, and that was it. I told his brother to take him home to his mom’s, and he can come get his stuff out of the apt the next day. It’s over. I had my dress, shoes, veil, rings, venue and photographer booked, and now I made a quick decision to end it. However, I cried for hours about how happy and liberated I felt. I can’t help you fully understand the feeling, but it was freedom like I’ve never felt it and that felt better than marrying someone who I knew i wouldn’t want children with.

After kicking him out, he kept calling and wanting to talk. I changed my number, and two months after asking me to take him back he married a hefer with a moustache.

I remained single for a while and then signed myself up for eHarmony, where I met the most AMAZING man…the man I was supposed to be with. He is 28, gentle demeanor, handsome, and has never ever given me a reason not to trust him. He’s a choir teacher, and my mom always said find a man who can sing to you on your wedding day. Well, I did, and he sang to me on our special day.

You will be ok, you will be stronger, and more good than bad will come from your situation, girl.

Post # 15
Member
3147 posts
Sugar bee

Could write a book as well but I will leave you with this…

You ended up not marrying a man because he is not for you.  One day when you have gotten past this (AND.YOU.WILL!!!), you will thank the good Lord every day that you did not go through with this wedding.  I was married, he was a complete jerk and ended up even knocking someone else up in the process.  I had 2 kids under two.  At one point, I was not even working.  I chose to divorce.  I had hit rock bottom but the rock bottom did not compare to me having my freedom.  I know it is hard.  There are times when you dont know how you will make it through the day but it will get better.  What helped me was my relationship with God (I am Christian) and me respecting myself enough to Let.It.Go.  I have forgiven him even though I do not like him.  Finally, I am free.  I am now marrying a man that I cant even explain how wonderful, respectable, mature he is.  A man that wont yell at me, would never even think about putting his hands on me, a man who will pray with me and love my children.  A man of purpose and faith!  I now understand what REAL love is supposed to look like.

Post # 16
Member
1691 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

You know what sweetie, being out $50K would still be better than pissing away another year of your life with him.  Ultimately the money means nothing.  Money is just money, your life and happiness is worth so much more.  There are plenty of us who get divorced and remarried, and no one thinks we’re losers for doing so.  No one will think less of you for ending something that wasn’t right.  In fact, they should be proud of you for recognizing what you’ve done for yourself.  I would spend countless dollars on my daughter, even if it meant no wedding, because it would mean she was happy.

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