(Closed) For bees who've gone through a divorce…Please tell me it gets easier

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 16
Member
1486 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

Even if you do feel like you’re giving up, sometimes that’s the best thing for you!

I don’t want to go into too many details but your situation sounds very similar to my first marriage…except I stayed for far too long (17+ years!) and had 3 children. As much as I love my children if I could back and talk to myself I would say ‘Leave before it gets worse’…because it always does…and then it is so much harder. I’m glad you got out! It will be tough (I’m not going to lie) but you will get through and be stronger after.

I started over at 39 with 3 children and no job as well. Here I am 7 years later with a great job, just married (even though I said I would never again!), a beautiful home, etc. It’s not all rainbows and sunshine (mostly from still having to deal with ex due to children…a worry you don’t have) but it is good! ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 17
Member
4044 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

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Laurencw:  I’m so sorry to hear this, but it seems like you are making the right choice. Something I always remembered in breakups was that you tend to remember the good times and not really miss the actual person – just miss having that person there for you. 

I’m not yet married but my FI’s best friend is going through a divorce currently. He was married for 2 years but was together with his ex-wife since college- so about 9 years. I’ve watched his transition from being incredibly heartbroken to starting to move on. It’s nice to see – and he is dating and happy again (and hes 31 and starting over!). You will be happy too! You will find another man that will treat you correctly and you will live happily ever after, I promise. Best of luck! 

Post # 18
Member
6593 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

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Laurencw:  I got divorced in 2010 after 3 years of a miserable marriage.  I knew we had major issues about a year into the marriage but I wanted it to work so I spent the next two years doing everything to make my husband happy.  It wasn’t until I realized he wasn’t a happy person, I couldn’t make him a happy person, and he was turning me into an unhappy person too.

The initial separation was awful.  We separated in January and I spent most of January and February in a hazy depression.  I drank too much, I slept too much, and I cried lots.  I was horribly embarassed to tell friends and family but it slowly got easier and most of my friends and family were okay with it.  By the end of February I met up with ex husband to discuss the divorce paperwork and settlement.  We filed in early March and our divorce was finalized by the end of March (I pulled some strings to speed up the process.)

After the divorce was final, I felt much better knowing the legal part was over with.  I had grieved so much that I was relieved to finally start moving on with my new life.  I found that I liked being a divorcee.  I made myself be more social so I could meet new people and build new friendships (I lost quite a few through the divorce.)  My rule was that I had to say yes to life so when someone asked me to do something, so long as it wasn’t illegal or life threatening, I did it.  I attended happy hours, casino parties, brunches, etc…

After a few months I met my current husband through my new friends.  I took the lessons I learned from my first marriage and learned from them.  I became a better partner and I am pretty sure I did a much better job with my second husband.  I really feel like I found my true self after my divorce.  I also became more confident and more fun than I was during my awful first marriage.  My life is better than it ever was before my divorce.  When you’re having a bad day pull out the memory of the worst moment in your marriage to remind you how bad it was and then remind yourself that you are lucky because you don’t have to live like that anymore and you get a second chance to find happiness.

Post # 21
Member
9168 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

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Laurencw:  I’m so sorry you’re going through this but you’re incredibly brave. You should be proud of yourself! Wishing you all the best. 

Post # 22
Member
626 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - Jacksonville Inn

My partner and I seperated after nearly 10 years together, a marriage in 1 state and domestic partnerships in 2 states. It was awful and wonderful all at the same time. It took seperating for me to really see how badly she had treated me for many, many years. Every little step feels great when you are in that position, managing your money on your own, your own bank account, etc. Lean on your friends. I moved to a new state away from my friends less than a year before we seperated. I had good friends at work who wanted to be there for me, and I let them. It helped me a great deal to see that other people that that I was worthy of their time. My ex had pounded how worthless I was into my head for 10 years, and I believed it. I am now engaged to the love of my life, who treats me like a Queen. I am so lucky, and it makes all the heartache worth it. Good luck to you, you are doing the right thing.

Post # 23
Member
2584 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I know it’s not the same as being married, but I was in an extremely abusive (in all ways) relationship for 5 years.  Thank goodness we did not have children or get married, but when I finally had the courage to leave, I moved back home and I did not come out of my room for weeks.  I lost a lot of weight because I wasn’t eating, and I slept all day.  I thought my life was over.  But it’s almost 10 years later, and I’ve been with my amazing husband for almost 8 of those years.  Life does get easier (and MUCH better!) Take your time healing, but remember that this is NOT your fault, you’re not a failure and you deserve so much better.  Take care love.

Post # 24
Member
333 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

Yes, things WILL get better. Just keep your head up and keep moving forward. I guarantee you that 2 months from now, you will feel happier and more clear-headed and you might even be able to say to yourself “damn, what the heck did I ever see in that guy”?

And I want to echo what a PP said; that getting divorced at 28 is hardly starting over. You’re not starting over; you’re just getting out of one crappy situation and into a MUCH happier and better one! Life is full of transitions and this is just one of them. You’ve made the right choice for you and you are going to be SO much happier in the near future, I guarantee it.

 

Post # 25
Member
1366 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

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Laurencw:  I was devastated too when I divorced at 28. I decided I needed to get away and start over. I applied for a job as a flight attendant. I went to Arizona for training for 4 weeks and worked as a flight attendant for about a year. It helped keep me busy and keep my mind occupied. I never had to think about what I was going to do next, there was always somewhere to be.

Being busy doesn’t heal your heartache but time will make things easier. You need time to greive but don’t allow it to consume you. If you stay fairly busy, things will get easier in time. I can’t say the pain completely goes away, even after falling in love 5 years later and getting remarried, but it does get better.

Post # 26
Member
2590 posts
Sugar bee

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Laurencw:  It is so nice to read your story.  I’m also 28.  We’ve been together 10 years, married for 6, and we’ve been on the verge of divorce for 5 months now.  I was blind-sided by it, but now it’s the ever-present ax that hangs over my head every moment of every day.  He says he might/probably wants to leave me, but he doesn’t know when he’ll make up his mind.  I wasn’t planning on sharing this on the bee, but your story encouraged me that I’m not alone.  Thanks so much for sharing.

I think cats nap really cutely, so here’s something nice for everyone:

Post # 28
Member
1047 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

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Laurencw:  I went through my divorce at 32. We had been together for 14 years, married for 10 and no kids. 

I was always the “strong” one in the relationship. He essentially made me the “man.” At first I didn’t mind it but eventually when I needed him (emotionally) he couldn’t be there for me. It was a build-up of many things….his reluctance to make his wife #1 over his family (mainly his sister who hated me) and mostly our devastating struggle with infertility. He had money issues and kept us in constant debt. 

He didn’t want the divorce….promised to change. My mom said he had made the promise before but broke it. Told me if I thought about getting back with him, I needed to make sure he would change for longer than a month. He didn’t. Gave his sister a ridiculous amount of money to prove that “blood was thicker than water!”

It was HARD…I felt like a failure. He drug out the divorce to almost a year….figured he’d make me “pay” by spending everything I had saved up (by changing my already frugal habits) on attorneys. He also didn’t inform his boss that we were separated so that he’d get dependent pay and a bigger housing allowance (he was military.) 

I felt such relief the day the divorce was final. I, like a lot of PPs, didn’t want to get married again. But I did. This time I went in with the knowledge that marriage just doesn’t happen, you have to make it work. I have changed as a person….I know I blame him a lot for some of the things he did but I was to blame too. I’m better at communicating when I’m not happy about something. 

DH is a total opposite from my ex. So I have to approach things differently. DH’s parents went through a very nasty divorce and it’s affected him. We talk a lot about things that can harm a marriage. 

It will get better. You don’t know how strong you are until after the dust clears. Most important is to take care of yourself physically….exercise, get enough sleep, and try to eat better. Big HUGS!

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