Post # 16
Even if you do feel like you’re giving up, sometimes that’s the best thing for you!
I don’t want to go into too many details but your situation sounds very similar to my first marriage…except I stayed for far too long (17+ years!) and had 3 children. As much as I love my children if I could back and talk to myself I would say ‘Leave before it gets worse’…because it always does…and then it is so much harder. I’m glad you got out! It will be tough (I’m not going to lie) but you will get through and be stronger after.
I started over at 39 with 3 children and no job as well. Here I am 7 years later with a great job, just married (even though I said I would never again!), a beautiful home, etc. It’s not all rainbows and sunshine (mostly from still having to deal with ex due to children…a worry you don’t have) but it is good! 🙂
Post # 17
I’m so sorry to hear this, but it seems like you are making the right choice. Something I always remembered in breakups was that you tend to remember the good times and not really miss the actual person – just miss having that person there for you.
I’m not yet married but my FI’s best friend is going through a divorce currently. He was married for 2 years but was together with his ex-wife since college- so about 9 years. I’ve watched his transition from being incredibly heartbroken to starting to move on. It’s nice to see – and he is dating and happy again (and hes 31 and starting over!). You will be happy too! You will find another man that will treat you correctly and you will live happily ever after, I promise. Best of luck!
Post # 18
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
I got divorced in 2010 after 3 years of a miserable marriage. I knew we had major issues about a year into the marriage but I wanted it to work so I spent the next two years doing everything to make my husband happy. It wasn’t until I realized he wasn’t a happy person, I couldn’t make him a happy person, and he was turning me into an unhappy person too.
The initial separation was awful. We separated in January and I spent most of January and February in a hazy depression. I drank too much, I slept too much, and I cried lots. I was horribly embarassed to tell friends and family but it slowly got easier and most of my friends and family were okay with it. By the end of February I met up with ex husband to discuss the divorce paperwork and settlement. We filed in early March and our divorce was finalized by the end of March (I pulled some strings to speed up the process.)
After the divorce was final, I felt much better knowing the legal part was over with. I had grieved so much that I was relieved to finally start moving on with my new life. I found that I liked being a divorcee. I made myself be more social so I could meet new people and build new friendships (I lost quite a few through the divorce.) My rule was that I had to say yes to life so when someone asked me to do something, so long as it wasn’t illegal or life threatening, I did it. I attended happy hours, casino parties, brunches, etc…
After a few months I met my current husband through my new friends. I took the lessons I learned from my first marriage and learned from them. I became a better partner and I am pretty sure I did a much better job with my second husband. I really feel like I found my true self after my divorce. I also became more confident and more fun than I was during my awful first marriage. My life is better than it ever was before my divorce. When you’re having a bad day pull out the memory of the worst moment in your marriage to remind you how bad it was and then remind yourself that you are lucky because you don’t have to live like that anymore and you get a second chance to find happiness.
Post # 19
Thank you… I am taking steps to feel like I am in control. I am really looking forward to the day when legally I am no longer tied to him. Congrats on finding someone who treats you like you deserve to be treated. I hope that comes oneday! 🙂
Thank you for sharing your story. I’m so glad to hear that your mom is happier now. Hopefully one day I will be able to say the same!
I will def avoid all and any abusive jerks in the future! Happiness is def a priority right now 🙂
Post # 20
Thank you for the advice and sharing your story. I am so glad you are in a better place now. I’m looking forward to getting a job and my own place and starting my life over 🙂
Thanks for the support. I have made a list of 35 incidents/things I hate about him and whenever I’m questioning myself I just look at the list and know I made the very best decision.
Thank you for sharing your story.. I’m so happy for you that you were able to move on and learn from it. I know that I will do the same. I have to be separated for a year before my divorce will be finalized and it feels like forever. I’m meeting with a lawyer this week to start the process and I am dreading it. My husband has made my life as difficult as possible since I left and refuses to sign a separation agreement or discuss divorce. It’s going to be a long and difficult road but I’m up for it as I know it will be better than spending my life hating every moment of being married to a monster. I’m going to adopt your yes rule and do as much as possible and meet new people. He isolated me and destroyed many of my friendships and I am excited to mend some old ones and make some new ones.
Post # 21
I’m so sorry you’re going through this but you’re incredibly brave. You should be proud of yourself! Wishing you all the best.
Post # 22
- Wedding: September 2014 - Jacksonville Inn
My partner and I seperated after nearly 10 years together, a marriage in 1 state and domestic partnerships in 2 states. It was awful and wonderful all at the same time. It took seperating for me to really see how badly she had treated me for many, many years. Every little step feels great when you are in that position, managing your money on your own, your own bank account, etc. Lean on your friends. I moved to a new state away from my friends less than a year before we seperated. I had good friends at work who wanted to be there for me, and I let them. It helped me a great deal to see that other people that that I was worthy of their time. My ex had pounded how worthless I was into my head for 10 years, and I believed it. I am now engaged to the love of my life, who treats me like a Queen. I am so lucky, and it makes all the heartache worth it. Good luck to you, you are doing the right thing.
Post # 23
I know it’s not the same as being married, but I was in an extremely abusive (in all ways) relationship for 5 years. Thank goodness we did not have children or get married, but when I finally had the courage to leave, I moved back home and I did not come out of my room for weeks. I lost a lot of weight because I wasn’t eating, and I slept all day. I thought my life was over. But it’s almost 10 years later, and I’ve been with my amazing husband for almost 8 of those years. Life does get easier (and MUCH better!) Take your time healing, but remember that this is NOT your fault, you’re not a failure and you deserve so much better. Take care love.
Post # 24
Yes, things WILL get better. Just keep your head up and keep moving forward. I guarantee you that 2 months from now, you will feel happier and more clear-headed and you might even be able to say to yourself “damn, what the heck did I ever see in that guy”?
And I want to echo what a PP said; that getting divorced at 28 is hardly starting over. You’re not starting over; you’re just getting out of one crappy situation and into a MUCH happier and better one! Life is full of transitions and this is just one of them. You’ve made the right choice for you and you are going to be SO much happier in the near future, I guarantee it.
Post # 25
I was devastated too when I divorced at 28. I decided I needed to get away and start over. I applied for a job as a flight attendant. I went to Arizona for training for 4 weeks and worked as a flight attendant for about a year. It helped keep me busy and keep my mind occupied. I never had to think about what I was going to do next, there was always somewhere to be.
Being busy doesn’t heal your heartache but time will make things easier. You need time to greive but don’t allow it to consume you. If you stay fairly busy, things will get easier in time. I can’t say the pain completely goes away, even after falling in love 5 years later and getting remarried, but it does get better.
Post # 26
It is so nice to read your story. I’m also 28. We’ve been together 10 years, married for 6, and we’ve been on the verge of divorce for 5 months now. I was blind-sided by it, but now it’s the ever-present ax that hangs over my head every moment of every day. He says he might/probably wants to leave me, but he doesn’t know when he’ll make up his mind. I wasn’t planning on sharing this on the bee, but your story encouraged me that I’m not alone. Thanks so much for sharing.
I think cats nap really cutely, so here’s something nice for everyone:
Post # 27
Thank you for sharing! I completely understand what you’re saying. He told me daily that I was nothing and would be nothing without him. That I was a failure and noone else will ever want me. I’m giving myself till the end of April to find a job and if I haven’t I will be moving to South Africa for a year. It is great to hear that you found love again and I hope I can one day say the same!
Although you weren’t married I can imagine that it was just as hard. I have moved in with family and have been trying to rebuild my life but I spend a fair bit of time crying and lying in bed. I know this is not the end of my world but damn it hurts. Congrats on finding a wonderful man to share your life with!
Thanks! Week by week things get easier and I feel a little happier. Time does heal.
Keeping busy is a priority right now. I need to stay busy especially as I’m only working part time and I have too much time on my hands. I wish I didn’t hate flying or that is something I would be looking into!
I’m so sorry you’re going through that. My husband constantly threatened me and kicked me out of the house. Living in fear and the unknown is so unfair and soul consuming. I really hope that he makes a decision or realizes your worth and that you can move forward either way. You deserve happiness and security. The cats are too cute!
Post # 28
I went through my divorce at 32. We had been together for 14 years, married for 10 and no kids.
I was always the “strong” one in the relationship. He essentially made me the “man.” At first I didn’t mind it but eventually when I needed him (emotionally) he couldn’t be there for me. It was a build-up of many things….his reluctance to make his wife #1 over his family (mainly his sister who hated me) and mostly our devastating struggle with infertility. He had money issues and kept us in constant debt.
He didn’t want the divorce….promised to change. My mom said he had made the promise before but broke it. Told me if I thought about getting back with him, I needed to make sure he would change for longer than a month. He didn’t. Gave his sister a ridiculous amount of money to prove that “blood was thicker than water!”
It was HARD…I felt like a failure. He drug out the divorce to almost a year….figured he’d make me “pay” by spending everything I had saved up (by changing my already frugal habits) on attorneys. He also didn’t inform his boss that we were separated so that he’d get dependent pay and a bigger housing allowance (he was military.)
I felt such relief the day the divorce was final. I, like a lot of PPs, didn’t want to get married again. But I did. This time I went in with the knowledge that marriage just doesn’t happen, you have to make it work. I have changed as a person….I know I blame him a lot for some of the things he did but I was to blame too. I’m better at communicating when I’m not happy about something.
DH is a total opposite from my ex. So I have to approach things differently. DH’s parents went through a very nasty divorce and it’s affected him. We talk a lot about things that can harm a marriage.
It will get better. You don’t know how strong you are until after the dust clears. Most important is to take care of yourself physically….exercise, get enough sleep, and try to eat better. Big HUGS!
Post # 29
Thank you for sharing your story. I know he’s going to make this as difficult as possible and drag it our for as long as he can. I just feel like this huge dark cloud is floating above me knowing that I’m in for a nightmare. I’m def trying to take care of me.. and my dog! Luckily she was mine before I met him and I was able to take her. She is my world.
Post # 30
Today my Dad met me at the house so I could get some more of my important things. I just cried the entire way home. My Dad and I had a coffee afterwards and he is starting to understand how awful he really was.
I received nasty messages all weekend that were completely delusional.
A friend recommended a book “From we to me” and I’m going to pick it up tomorrow.
For anyone else going through this journey know that you are worth so much more than to be treated like dirt and abused and walked all over. I know it will get better.