(Closed) For bees with postnupts/prenupts..or kids

posted 6 years ago in Legal
Post # 3
Member
458 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I don’t have any children but from an outside view, it would seem a little selfish to ask that your children stay with you. I think as long as both of you are good parents that are capable of properly caring for your children then you both have the right to have your children and your children have the right to have both parents in their lives. I’m sure you have your reasons for wanting your children with you but I’m also pretty sure he has those same reasons and he has the same rights. I’m not trying to be harsh, but why couldn’t or shouldn’t they stay with him instead of you? Do you feel like you would care for them better? Why does it hurt your daughter to stay with her father? Is he a bad father? Does he not properly care for her?

Post # 4
Member
1271 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I am divorced with two small children.  Here in California, we could not contractually agree upon custody in a prenup (I had one for financial reasons).  In fact, I spend every day of my life knowing that a judge can give my ex (who currently sees my kids 2-3 hours every other month) 50% custody of my kids (despite the fact he sold me custody in our divorce). 

I wouldn’t be marrying Fiance, if I didn’t truly believe in my heart that he would do whatever was in our children’s best interest.  I certainly wouldn’t entertain the thought of having more children with a man I couldn’t trust with my children’s mental, physical and emotional well being.  My Fiance will eventually adopt my children and become their legal dad.  I’m sure you understand the level of trust that requires. 

This is such a tough, emotional issue.  It is truly one that I don’t think many people completely understand.  I get the desire to have your daughter with you all of the time.  I understand the nauseating reality of “time sharing.”  I get it.

Post # 6
Member
1271 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@MrsNeutrino:  Yeah, that is a tough situation.  What is your custody arrangement?  Weekends/Weekdays?  Every other week?  🙁  Poor kids.

Post # 8
Member
1271 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@MrsNeutrino:  Hugs.  I hate what custody battles do to kids.  My son is 5 and my daughter is 4.  My son “gets” it, but my daughter doesn’t.  She refers to my ex-husband as “that other dad.”

A book that my kids both responded really well to was the Koko Bear book:  http://www.amazon.com/Your-Fault-Koko-Bear-ebook/dp/B0053GPTCK/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1327022206&sr=8-2  It is a little rudamentary in style, but the message resonnated so well with them.

How would your Fiance feel if you refused to have more children?

Post # 9
Member
1110 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Ugh, that’s sad for your daughter. To be honest though, it’s very unrealistic to ask a man to agree to give up living with any future hypothetical children in the event that you leave. There are other arrangements, for example my husband gets his daughter every other weekend, long weekends, school breaks etc. This works well for everyone involved and allows SD to have “roots” at home, while treating time with dad as kind of special visits or vacations. She’s also out here enough that she’s totally comfortable sleeping here and has a few friends out here she has sleepovers with and stuff. It wouldn’t be fair to a kid to monopolize their comfort and keep them in one place so much for stability that they only get to see their dads for quick dinners or baseball games.

I wouldn’t want an agreement like this in place before having children because it gives on person all the power in the relationship. Not that you ever would, but there’s always that possibility of an argument ending in “fine I’ll leave and take the kids!”… which you could do at any time and your husband will have already signed away his rights.

I also don’t know that any judge would take such a document into account. They consider who does the most day to day activities with the child like bathing and stuff, and also what is in the child’s best interest which is usually having sufficient time with both parents. I don’t know that an agreement you made before the kids were even born would hold up in family court.

Post # 11
Member
1271 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@MrsNeutrino:  Happy to help!  🙂

Post # 12
Member
395 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

As a child of divorced parents, I would just like to add that I absolutely do not believe children are hurt, in any way, by bouncing between homes. I think the pain and hurt are entirely the parents’ projecting on their children (especially when the kids are young — older kids might suffer but the young ones don’t); the kids themselves are absolutely fine, assuming there isn’t any abuse or blatant acrimony between parents.

I was 5 when my parents split, my sister was 8, and it was so not a problem in our lives. At all. Kids are resiliant and very readily adjust to whatever living situations they are in, whether or not adults think it is “normal” or ideal — kids don’t know the difference, unless the parents make a huge deal out of it and cause their children to believe this is sad.

It is so frustrating for me to see parents — usually mothers — agonising over how much their children are hurt by divorce and having multiple homes, when in fact the children are perfectly fine. Or more than fine. I am utterly grateful for my parents’ divorce: I loved having two homes, and of course I was able to put down “roots” — even across state borders! And now that I’m grown, I can see the huge benefits of having had good relationship role models (my father and stepmother showed me how marriage should work), which never would have happened without the divorce. Again, I’ll add the caveat that this healthy view depends on how the parents interact with each other — if you’re constantly fighting or putting each other down in front of the kids, that might be harmful.

So, give yourself a break. It is very possible that your daughter is not at all torn apart by your divorce, and wil be a perfectly well-adjusted and settled child. Also, divorce is so common nowadays that she will almost certainly have lots of friends in the same situation. For children (at least young ones), divorce is normal, not a tragedy.

Post # 13
Member
803 posts
Busy bee

I agree with Jade33. However, I do have a cousin who is divorced, but still lives with her husband. This arrangement is only until their kids go off to college (which is fairly soon anyways). They sleep in separate rooms, but do the parenting together.

I have asked Fiance for a pre-nup. This is just in case anything ever happens to me. I’ve seen family friends who marry a second time after their wife passes away and their money and assets have been stolen by the second wife. The pre-nup is just to make sure that should anything happen to me, and should Fiance marry again, anything I bring into our marriage will not be his, but be passed directly to our children. He’ll be the guardian over those assets until they come of age. I know that there are great step-mothers out there, but I also know that there are horrible ones. I don’t want to put my children in a situation where that might happen to them.

If we were to divorce, although that’s not likely to happen, we would share joint custody unless he was married to his work, and was already an absent father during our marriage. There is no way I would let my kids be raised by a nanny while they were at their father’s. If he was going to be absent, I’d rather have them with me and have him be absent full-time than on half-time. 

 

Post # 14
Member
1371 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

One option, that not many people consider but was mentioned to Fiance and I when talking to child counsellor about his son, is to let the KIDS keep the house…meaning they stay there permanently, and you and you ex move in and out depending on your schedules.  I worked with a couple, who were divorced.  They turned their basement into a suite for the ex husband, mom and kids lived upstairs, kids had free reign up and down.  Now these 2 were incredibly amicable, good friends who should never have married, and ended up back being friends.  I would assume very rare, but I personally love the idea of the parents shuffling and the kids staying one place.

Post # 15
Member
3452 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I’m sorry it’s been tough for your daughter.  I feel for you.  Divorce is difficult on everyone, especially the children.  Kids can bounce back as long as they are aware that both parents love them and both play a part in their lives.  I’ve been through divorce and I worried about my kids, but for the most part they’ve done well. 

I’m not sure any state will allow you to put something a prenup in regards to future children.  Usually, when you get a divorce, you are made aware by the courts that while the divorce itself is final, anything related to the children (custody, visitation, child support, etc) can be changed at any time for what is in the child’s best interest.

 

Post # 16
Member
1371 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@Shlieka:  You shouldn’t need an actual prenup for that, a will can cover it also, and if you have kids, you should have a will!  My parents have the same stipulation in their will, only my stepdad gets to live/stay in the house as long as he wants, but if he sells, or another woman moves in, my half remains mine.  She is only entitled to his half or part of.

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