(Closed) For better or for worse – when you two become “one”…OURS not mine/his

posted 8 years ago in Money
Post # 3
Member
5263 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2012

I had that same adjustment period when we moved in together. Almost all of our furniture, except for his night stand and a DVD case, I bought when I moved to my first apartment. Eventually we’ll be able to afford new furniture that feels like it’s ours, but it’s weird that my desk is now our desk, etc. 

The other things – paying for groceries, laundry, utilities, etc, were a much easier adjustment for me for some reason. I guess it’s all semantics! 

Post # 4
Member
4123 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Ouch, ya, that’s probably hard! Just think of it this way… there are times I’m sure you shop and get clothes or shoes that he doesn’t have anything to do with?

Post # 5
Hostess
18643 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

It does take a lot of adjustment to get used to the ‘our’ mindset.  Just so you know, anything on his credit score is his alone, but it will affect you if you apply for a joint loan.  Also, he will most likely never be responsible for your student loans but you will be required to pay them off because they are almost never discharged.

My husband and I both have things that we like to buy.  Right now, we don’t have the money to really pay for either but when we do, we try to make it so both of us can buy things that we like with our spare money.

Post # 7
Member
293 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

Actually… so that you know, his credit can and will affect you.  Here’s an example: My dad got married to a woman who had about 7k in default debt with AMEX.  They got married in December and in February AMEX was garnishing his wages because she didn’t make enough to have wages garnished.  This also shows up on his credit report.  It’s not considered a bad mark anymore, but it does show that it was in collections. 

Post # 8
Member
5977 posts
Bee Keeper

I think it’s just something that becomes easier over time. The more things that you purchase together or pay for together, the easier the “OUR” word is to use. For example, the first thing we purchased after we were married was a new car for me. Though most of it was my savings for the down payment, and I’m the one who drives the car all the time, it’s our car b/c his name is also on it. We also make the car payments out of our joint checking, so we’re now both paying for the car.

The wedding is another perfect example. The majority of the money that went towards the wedding came from my savings. BUT…he dished out a ton of money for my ring. So I feel like it evens out. Yes, I paid more for the wedding than he did for the ring, but the money we got as gifts from the wedding was OURS. Not mine or his.

The same would go for your hot water heater going. Whose responsibilty is that if not both of yours. It just takes some time to get used to him paying for both of you paying for the new shoes you just bought or both of you paying for the new tools he’s going to use. In the long run, it will benefit both of you, and you won’t think of much as MINE or YOURs…you’ll think of it as OURS.

Post # 9
Member
11325 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

It is hard! We just had this talk last night. Right now we each keep separate accounts but we have a joint checking (for all joint purchases for our house/mortgage/dates) and a joint savings (for wedding). We were discussing how we want to handle things after we’re married, and whether we want to keep the status quo (at least until there are kids) or if we should go to all joint accounts, or mostly joint accounts with JUST separate accounts for “play money” and gifts. It’s really hard because sometimes I don’t know if something is mine or ours, ya know? Like if I want to buy stuff to decorate— I want it and he doesn’t care, but its for “our” house. Or if he wants to buy a video game…. is it really for him or will we ever play it together? We have a really hard time drawing a line between what should be personal and what should be OURS. But We’re both a little scared to go ALL together joint because we like our independence and we don’t want to feel like we have to ask the other permission when we want to buy something. I shop more than he does, but when he shops he spends more. How do we make sure it evens out? Or does it even need to? I make more, but really whats mine is his so does that matter? 

I have lots of questions and no answers 🙂 We have talked this over from top to bottom several times and neither of us can decide how we want to do things. I think though that its something that probably just takes trial and error and getting used to, and after a while you’ll fall into a rhythm with it and it will seem normal. 

Post # 10
Member
1508 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

We have three checking accounts. His, Mine and ours. It is a bit hard to figure out what should come out of our personal accounts. We’re still working on sorting that out.

Post # 11
Member
409 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

I agree its hard and it will take time.  When the hubby and I merged money I had just quit my full time job and he had just started his career.  It was a lot of give in take for both of us but now we are used to it.

We have a joint account (one savings and one checking) because its easier for us to keep track of expenses.  

 

2PeasinaPod– I completely agree with you!


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