(Closed) FI threatened to call off the wedding 2 weeks after my mom died.

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
2289 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

🙁

I’m so sorry about everything. The whole thing totally blows.

It’s really rough when someone doesn’t handle stress well, but I’m more concerned with your feelings towards him. Is he like this in all stressful situations?

Post # 5
Member
6351 posts
Bee Keeper

I’m so sorry about your mom and everything you are going through right now. I wish I had some advice.

Post # 6
Member
2765 posts
Sugar bee

Does he have someone he talks to for advice?  It could be that that person is filling his head with bad advice.

Post # 7
Member
2790 posts
Sugar bee

Ugh this is sooo difficult. I will tell you a story…

SO and I had been dating a think 1.5 years when one of his best friends died of a tragic unexpected car accident. I knew this young man but not well. We had just recently seen him and SO had not gone to spend time with him when he had asked to do so. As a result this all happened very unexpectedly and SO felt a lot of guilt towards his friend and missed him dearly.

When I found out I left class on the very first day of the semester and went home. I pretty much forced SO to go spend time with his friends and go see his friends parents all basically against his will.

I kept badgering my SO through the wake and funeral to spend more time with his friends, show some emotion or to talk to me. He didn’t want to do any of it. Looking back on it all I was honestly the worst possible help I could be because when someone dies in my life I want to talk about it and I want to be surrounded by others.

SO and I have found over and over in life that we handle stress and death in very very different ways. I strongly regret the way I acted and when another close friend of his died the next year I tried my best to be much more understanding. SO didn’t want to stay to see his friend so we left. It was hard but it wasn’t MY choice to make.

What I’m trying to say is that the two of you are living through something traumatic, confusing, frustrating, and you are separating for possibly an undetermined amount of time right after he professed his love for you and asked you to spend the REST of his life with you. You guys got A LOT going on.

He is not acting the way he should be. He should be there to comfort you and he should be there to help you in the best way that he knows how. But maybe, this is the best way that he knows how. He’s probably frustrated because you aren’t morning in a way he expected or scared that he has to be apart from you after the two of you lived together and committed to one another. It is totally normal to have a slight case of cold feet when getting engaged but add having to separate and death and you might just have more than he can handle right now. Talk talk talk!! That is all the more I can suggest. If this is the first major hard time the two of you are encountering you both won’t act perfectly. Ask to be understood while trying to be understanding.  Good luck!

P.S. That was insanely long i apologize.

Post # 8
Member
5399 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I’m so sorry for everything that you are going through right now.  Like you said, it does sound like something is bothering him and maybe he hasn’t quite figured how to verbalize it to you in a way that makes sense.  It does sound like he is genuinely concerned about how you moving away will impact your relationship.  But, how far off is your wedding?  Does he plan on moving to where you are in the next few months or even after the wedding?  Or does he want to continue the LDR once you get married?  Maybe that’s the part of the puzzle that’s making him act the way he is since some things are up in the air?

Post # 10
Member
732 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2010 - The Tower Club

Honey, I’m so sorry you’re going through this — what a nightmare. 

I think that the very last thing you should be doing when your mother has died is worrying about whether or not you’ve cried too much. Even in your post there, you’re sort of explaining his behavior — that is giving him way too much credit. Right now, so soon after your loss, he should be doing NOTHING but helping you get through this. Instead, he has chosen to bring up his own concerns. This is one of those times when the relationship is not 50/50 equal and a supportive spouse should be fine with that.

I lost my father very suddenly 10 years ago. I had a boyfriend at the time. A week after the funeral, he came to me to say that he could not deal with my loss and behaved very similarly to your FH there, bringing up other random things but really saying, “Wow, life is hard, who knew?”

Life is stressful and emotional. Think about what the next 50 years would be like. Among other events, you may change or lose jobs, purchase homes, have and raise children and grandchildren, witness the death of both your parents or other friends/family members. That is just life. You don’t need someone who can be calm in the easy times. You need someone to be calm when it’s hard to be calm, like right now. 

In my experience, trauma like this doesn’t create new problems so much as it illuminates the problems or successes a couple already has. I think your FH is doing you a favor; his actions are telling you everything you need to know.

I hope that you have some very supportive family and friends you can talk to, and maybe there is a counselor at your new graduate school? I wish you the best as you deal with the loss of your mom. 

Post # 11
Member
2867 posts
Sugar bee

I’m so very sorry.  This is a really rough time, maybe a few days apart might help and let you grieve?  Some people have a hard time seeing people grieve, and maybe he’s feeling that way?  I think what he said was really inappropriate especially given the situation.  Do you have any close friends to lean on?  I know this is really general advice, but talking to a grief counselor will help or even just a therapist.  I’m keeping you in my thoughts!

Post # 14
Member
2790 posts
Sugar bee

@anonybee: Oh I know how that goes. SO and I handle emotion so differently. He shuts down when things get emotional. Sometimes he yells because he’s so upset. I just cry. I don’t think the two of you are doomed. I think it is just something that takes times. You shouldn’t be made to feel bad because he was embarressed in front of his dad or selfish because you should just be greatful he helped you move.

Your mind is on a lot of other things and the last thing you need is more stress. You shouldn’t have to feel bad right now and he isn’t aiding in fixing that. Take your time worrying about yourself first. Move on to his worries at a later date.

Post # 15
Member
5399 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Even though he’s the one that suggested all of that in the beginning, your wedding is finally this year and maybe reality is truly setting in for him and he’s not taking things as well as he assumed he would. 

With so much going on for you, maybe it would be a great time to speak with a grief counselor and after a couple of visits your Fiance would agree to come in a couple of times, too, so they can help you both work on being able to open up with each other and maybe help you both figure out why your Fiance isn’t a big communicator.   People handle stress and communicate in different ways, so maybe a counselor could help you both learn how to understand how the other operates and how to work with that.

Post # 16
Member
7693 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I just want to say that I am sorry about the loss of your mother.  The loss of parents is one of the toughest things I’ve faced in my life.  I wish that he was more understanding and supportive of you at this time.  I don’t know how you can do counseling long distance, but maybe that would be helpful for the two of you right now.  I wish you well. 

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