- 7 years ago
I am a fairly active poster, and some details in this will likely give away my “real” bee identity, which is fine, but I don’t want this linked to my profile to forever stand as a thread I started.
tl;dr: In the last month, my mother died, everything I own of my childhood has been literally THROWN in storage and now I basically have no “home”, and I have had to find a new apartment and prepare to move away to grad school. Fiance and I are going from living together to LDR for work/school. My life as I know it is completely changing. Amidst this, Fiance threatened to break up with me because we’ve been “bickering” too much, though we have been together for 3.5 years and NEVER say such things, so it is not just a heat of the argument thing. Completely at a loss here.
The last month or so has been really, really difficult. After Thanksgiving, I was stressed out a lot with transitioning at work — I start grad school in January and I was both training my replacement and running the department while the other 2 people in it were away at training seminars. Then it was final paper, presentation, and exam time for school. All this while looking for a new apartment to live in for grad school. Fiance was also waiting to hear about contracts at work (I think they are jerking him around).
Then I got in a car accident. It was minor and I was OK, but it still shook me up and messed up my car. Thankfully, we were able to fix it, but now none of my keyless works anymore, and I can’t lock my driver’s side door. Lovely.
Then, my mom died two days later. (If you do know who I am, please don’t use my regular name in this thread.) I seriously think that on Wednesday as I was leaving work, I commented that the week couldn’t get much work. Yeah, I was wrong.
So all at once, I had to handle her arrangements, clean out her apartment, find a new apartment of my own, move myself, and you know, deal with the usual anger, grief and sadness that comes with death. Oh, and all this the week before Christmas.
I think it is understandable that I was a bit moody, though I have to say that both FI’s family and my own commented on how well I was handling everything. My Fiance is not good with emotion, and I truly think I did a good job of not freaking out on him, etc. And yet, during all this, he got weird. I know he was dealing with all the stress in his own way, but he really started to make me feel like I was being a burden on him.
The Monday after Christmas, in the morning we cleaned out the last of my mom’s apartment. In the evening, we drove 2.5 hrs in the opposite direction for me to look at housing near my school (FI and I are transitioning into an LDR because of work/school, even better, right?). I found a place I liked, and we agreed that we would move out of the apartment we shared for over a year on Tuesday. I expected that Tuesday morning, we’d pack together and then get around. Nope. I had asked him to wake me up; he forgot. Instead, I got a cell phone call at 8:00 in the morning (while I am half naked and half asleep no less) telling me that he would be there with his father in 10 minutes to move, be ready. WTF? After cleaning out my mom’s, this is EVERYTHING in the world that I own. And he and his dad showed up and just threw things in bags, boxes, totes, whatever they could find — to be sorted later. That’s great when you are moving back into your parents’ house and don’t have to worry about what goes where, but I have no idea where half my things are. They just got dumped in the shed for storage. I was a bit upset about this, and Fiance actually told that I should just move to school without him altogether. He said I was being unappreciative that he was taking care of moving (as if I weren’t helping), though I felt like his completely did not consider my needs at all in how he went about it. That is when things really started going down hill, as if they weren’t already. We have been together for 3.5 years, engaged for 1.5 years. I feel like after you get engaged, you’re not allowed to threaten to break up anymore. Isn’t that when you commit to being committed, when you get to the point where it would take more than stupid bickering to end it?
So the last few days have been really hard. We did talk it out more. I asked him if he meant it and after a long, long pause, he said no. He then told me about how he worries that I am going to find someone else while I am in grad school, that he worries that he is not “my kind of people” nor I his, and that he is glad we’re not going to live together anymore because he thinks the time apart will help us appreciate each other more. Now, I can see his reasoning to the idea about missing each other, though it sounds an awful lot like “taking a break” to me, really, but I feel blindsided. Basically, I have no family left except distant cousins and a sister I talk to for a few months then don’t hear from for another few months. I have no place to call home. I am excited about school, but really, he is all I have right now… and he basically made it sound like there is no good reasons for us to get married. He disagreed when I phrased it like that and gave me the reasons that he DOES want to marry me, but I just can’t believe it. Also, it took a lot of time and prodding for him to say that he didn’t mean it, and before that, he had said that if we keep arguing, he “won’t go through with it [the wedding].” I have never given him any reason not to trust me, but now I feel like I can’t trust him. What happens next time things get stressful; will he call it off then for real? I don’t know what to think.
We’re at the point where we talked about it and apologized and it would seem like things are business as usual, but I just feel so completely lousy. I can’t believe he would even think about calling it off at this point, and I really can’t believe he thinks I would find someone else. I have NEVER given him any reason to think that. Not to mention that this has basically been the most difficult time in my life that Fiance has known me for, and I just feel so completely let down. I want to know that my husband will stand by me no matter what, not threaten to leave me because we’ve been bickering. I have to assume that this is just the culmination in his stress and fears about my moving away in general (which we already plan to visit every weekend anyway). I just don’t get it and I don’t know how to react now. But I am kind of rambling now, this post is already way, way too long, and I am not even sure what I hope to get out of posting it. I just have to get it off my chest. Thanks for reading.