Post # 1
Hi bees before I start I need to point out that this isn’t a massive issue for me but that it got me thinking and it did bother me at the time. Also DH is usually passionate about LGBTQ rights normally:
DH and I were filling out a form together as a couple and at the end it asked about sexual orientation. My pencil hovered above ‘bisexual’ and he was like ‘is there much point to you ticking that?’ His thinking was 1) because there was no need to let the organisation know and 2) because I’m married to a man.
I felt like I didn’t want to make a big deal about my true identity and ticked ‘heterosexual’
But I don’t identify as straight and haven’t done since I was a kid. Only a handful of friends know and I’ve never told my parents because I told myself I would only tell them if I fell in love with a girl. Anyway life sent me into heterosexual relationships though I did sleep with a girl and had intense crushes. To be honest whether I were celibate from day one until the end of my life I would still be bisexual. I have a very similar reaction mentally and physically when I connect or feel attracted to someone whatever their gender.
My husband knows but it’s like that all goes out of the window because I’m married to a man. And filling out a form with bisexual is ‘making an unnecessary point’ even though it’s just answering a question honestly.
Would this bother you? Next time I’m ticking the appropriate box…
Post # 2
He’s disregarding a part of your identity. That’s not okay. Your sexuality doesn’t change just because you are married to a man. And being honest about who you are isn’t making an unnecessary point. Is he making an unnecessary point by saying he’s straight?
Post # 3
hikingbride : Well put, those are my feelings exactly
Post # 4
Tisa85 : I am stuck on the part about this being on any form period. Do you mind explaining what it was for?
I identify as bisexual, however, because I am in a realtionship with a man, I would have probably just marked hetro or even left it blank. But because YOU do not feel ok with it, then your husband should not be either. They are your feelings and they should not be disregaurded.
Post # 5
Yes. My FI is bisexual and I wouldn’t expect him to say he is gay just because he’s with me. You are who you are, and it is fact, not an “unneccesary point”. Why is he being so selfish?
Post # 6
I think the way your DH said it was a bit insensitive. This is a part of who you are, and how you see yourself. It’s not any less true just because you’re part of a heterosexual couple.
Am also curious why this was on a form!
Post # 7
Well, at the very least it’s clear that he may have some misconceptions. It may also be possible that he misunderstood you in ways that you’ve presented yourself. The way you described only telling your parents if you were with a girl may have inclined him to think that you didn’t want to define yourself as bi except only in that circumstance. In seeing you hovering over the option, he may have thought you were conflicted in a similar sense that you are with your parents.
Ultimately, I think you need to have a clear conversation and correct any misunderstandings or educate him. His response and attitude after will naturally tell you all you need to know. Hopefully, he recognizes that it wasn’t his place to make that assumption, recognizes that your sexual identity doesn’t change, and will be more equipped in how to support you in the future.
It would bother me if my husband were to do that but we’ve always been very open and have had detailed conversation on my sexuality. I also either would have chose not to disclose sexual orientation or would have chose what I felt. So, if he were to say something, it would be a red flag to me having had so many conversations or not being in a state of apprehension. Your situation is different so, to me, it just warrants a conversation for more clarification.
Post # 8
Just because you married a man doesn’t stop you being bisexual. After all marrying a brunette doesn’t mean you automatically stop finding blondes attractive. Ultimately which box you tick is entirely up to you and how you identify.
As for your husband’s reaction, it would have bothered me too. I suspect he probably sees it as, you’re in a hetro relationship and the plan is to stay that way so you might as well just put hetro and not confuse things. Which basically boils down to misconceptions usually (as pp said, because you weren’t going to tell your parents unless you fell in love with a girl, if your husband knows that then he may well think you identify as hetro now). Sit him down, explain that the comment bothered you and despite the fact that you are with him and only plan on being with him, it doesn’t mean you’re no longer attracted to women. Chances are a good honest heart to heart about it will sort out the problem.
Post # 9
Tisa85 : Was this a medical form? That is the only type of form that I could think of that might ask and the information would be used to assess risk. Otherwise is that even legal? I know here it wouldn’t be.
As to your DH. Well he doesn’t get to decide how you identify, in fact he doesn’t even get an opinion on it. Your identity is your’s to decide. He was insensitive.
Post # 10
Yea, no. I am bisexual and it’s part of my identity. I may be married to my husband and love him and want to be committed to him, but my brain and feelings are still bi. I’m just as lucky to notice and react to a hot woman as I am a man when we’re out in public. My husband understands that I have strong feelings about this, especially as a bi woman who advocates for more visibility. Feelings like your husband’s are why we still struggle for legitimacy. I’m happy to be married to my husband and I am all about him…but it doesn’t change the fact that if god forbid, things ended between us, I am just as likely to end up with a woman as another man. You don’t stop identifying as bi because of your current relationship. That’s not how it works.
Post # 11
You are definitely right to be bothered. I would talk to your husband about your feelings. Since he is supportive of LBGQT rights, hopefully he will be open to talking about this and will realize why his attitude was so hurtful. It sounds like he has a bit of insecurity surrounding your sexual orientation, which is probably not uncommon for people in his position, but is still totally irrationial if you think about it. Monogamy is monogamy!
Post # 12
I’m also ??? on why this was on a form (except for medical)?
I’m bi in a heterosexual marriage- but I’m still bi, it’s part of your identity. What it doesn’t mean, however, is that I’m incapable of being monogamous or that I’m automatically open to threesomes. And I think even if your fiance is LGBTQ supportive, he may still have some confusion/ uneasiness around some bisexual stereotypes- or he may be fully aware of these stereotypes and (misguided but well meaningly) wanting to shield you from others’ judgment of these stereotypes.
Post # 13
There is also the issue of bisexual invisibility. Not sure what type of form this was, but if it was something that might contribute towards allocation of funding for services or census type stuff, I’d say it’s extremely important to tick the accurate box.
Post # 14
I think it’s up toyou if you want to check the box. If your husbands reaction bothers you, speak to him about it and see what it all means to him. A bit ago I rode in a parade for Gay rights with a church group, and got a sign from another group that said support Marriage equality. I waved my sign telling everyone to look at it, and support gay marriage. My husband marched behind the truck I was in wiht the rest of the group.
After the parade someone came up to me demanding to know where I got that sign. Turned out that some church members were irritated because they thought it was understood that their group wouldn’t carry any signs of particular issues, just be in the parade to be supportive.
My husband seemed upset and told me he didn’t want to talk about it, that we’d talk later. I wasn’t sure what was going on, but I waited a bit and we did speak later. Turns out he wasn’t really irritated with me over holding a sign, but got worried and upset when groups that were opoposed to gay rights were yelling at me that I was going to burn in hell and other not nice things. He was worried. I would just have a talk with your husband about all of this, and make your feelings known to work it out togeither. He may just feel he’s protecting you.
Post # 15
Checking whatever box is ultimately up to you, but like all the other bees have said, you don’t stop being bisexual because you end up marrying one sex or another. I have identified as bi since middle school and I haven’t stopped being attracted to women just because I’m with a man. I also haven’t stopped being attracted to people with different hair colors or body types than my FI, male or female.
I thought for a long time about identifying as bi because for a long time I was only in relationships with men and I had the same thought as your FI “what’s the point if I’m going to date or marry a man and not a woman?” The point is it’s a part of who I am and I feel that it’s important to know myself and to be honest with myself. I don’t care about what others think or if they think it’s a waste of time, it’s still a big part of my life and I’m not going to hide a part of me because of their preferences.
My FI knows I’m bi and has from day 1, and although he identifies as straight, he has confided in me he has had bi attractions in his life. BUT how he chooses to identify is his business, and I would never pressure him to circle “bi” on that form, or ask him what’s the point of circling straight when I know he’s been attracted to men in the past? Nobody’s future spouse should feel the need to question (or even poke fun at) such an integral part of their partner’s life or feelings, and I would have ripped my FI a new one if he made a comment like that, TBH.