I will certainly pray over this.
But I don’t know if it fits or if it’s what I want. Up until a few weeks ago I was completely set on waiting to have children for about 5-7 years. Not for financial reasons or anything, I just was in no rush to put my body through labor again and my child had acid reflux as a newborn so I got very little sleep (I’ve posted about this before) but in the last few weeks I’ve had this nagging feeling about it being the time to try. I tell myself the reasons I want to wait but every time I have doubting thoughts I get this feeling like it will all be OK and it will all be worth it in the end.
And I just keep having these images of a little boy, of our family in church, our family making a difference in the community, our family being a close family blessed by God. I see the kids in church, going to church camps and on mission trips, I imagine having the baby and reading the bible to it every night before bed like I did my 5 year old when she was 1-3. Mostly all I see when thinking about having a baby is our faith. I don’t think about teaching it to throw a football or ballet classes or anything like that, but what I see is God being our family focus, God taking an active role in our family. I guess I see that leave it to beaver family but with a strong religious background. I’m sure many people see this but it doesn’t turn out that way, but I never put thought into it before these last couple weeks and for some reason in the last couple weeks having a baby has consumed my thoughts. When not too long ago at all it was the furthest thing from my mind. Now I’ve been deep in thought seems like constantly about babies, everywhere I turn there are babies. I’ve prayed and asked God but I just don’t know how to tell if it’s God or if its me changing and now wanting a child.
My husband gets all excited at the mention of having a baby. It was me who said I wanted us to wait. It was me who said I didn’t want any more kids at all, if I did have another it would only be one. But now I’m leaning toward 4.
I’ve also been recently diagnosed with epilepsy. I have not taken the medication for it, something just doesn’t feel right about taking the medication. Long story. But with it I’ve been questioning the getting pregnant aspect, as having a seizure while pregnant increases the risk of miscarriage but being on the medication increases the risk of birth defects. So when I think about having a baby these concerns take over, but every time the concerns pop in my head so does the thought “God will protect us, God will be with us” and it wipes away the doubts.
So, given the fact that I’d sworn off having another child, then decided just one for my husbands sake and now all of a sudden it’s all I feel and think about, I don’t know if it’s me leading the way on this or God. But every time I think about it in the pit of my stomach I feel like it’s the thing we should do, I get excited and hopeful and I’m looking for signs that say we shouldn’t but haven’t gotten any.
One thing I can compare it to is my husband and I decided to move a couple years ago, because we wanted away from our town, because I was tired of running into his ex girlfriends was my main reason. We had SO many signs pointing to not go, but we were insistant on it. We made it 4 months before moving back to our home town, that place ate us alive. And we still talk about all the signs that were saying we shouldn’t go. When we got back everything seemed to fall into place. So I’m looking for signs that point to no baby but haven’t seen any as of yet.
I’ll pray some more for big signs and clarity. In the pit of my stomach though I feel like this is what we need to do.
ETA: When I had my daughter and all this time until recently I didn’t give too much thought into the faith within our family. In the last year or so it’s been taking a much more active role in our family. Before I was always thinking about my daughter and her possibilities, all the things she can do with her life, all the cute clothes, toys, activies we could do, sports and things she could do. And while those are important, lately what has been taking over is the role we play in our faith and the role our children will play. I wasn’t raised to live for God, I went to church with my Grandma but God was hardly ever talked about in our family, so it’s new to me but right now the most important thing to me is God being a part of our family. And the rest, the sports, the clothes and toys, the school grades, are not as important as the faith that we will follow. Of course it’s important but more importantly is what is in their hearts. Trust me, this time last year I wouldn’t have even thought I’d say anything like that. Grades and activites were the most important.