(Closed) For long term couples together 10+ years before marriage…

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: How do you really feel about being together 10+ years before getting married?

    We're happy but i do sometimes wish we'd done it sooner

    It was my choice to wait...

    It was SO/FI/DH's choice to wait...

    I hate that it took so long for us to get married and still feel a little bitter!

    No regrets at all, waiting was right for us

    Circumstances out of our control meant we had no choice but to wait

  • Post # 2
    9527 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper

    Fiance and I aren’t married yet, but are basically planning on waiting until we are TTC to get married, and that won’t be for at least another 2-3 years, which will mean we would have been together at least 9-10 years at that point.

    We’re waiting until then because of good ol’ Uncle Sam — there’s a “marriage penalty” under US tax law that affects certain couples with certain incomes. When we got engaged, Fiance and I wanted to see if we’d be subject to it and come to find out we’d have to pay at least $20K per year more in taxes if we were legally married.

    Since we’ve already been together over 7 years, being legally married vs. not wouldn’t change a thing about our daily lives, so both of us are ok with waiting. I completely understand the importance that other couples place on the actual act of marriage, but Fiance and I are the type that don’t need a piece of paper to say that we’re married to feel any more committed or dedicated to one another. It’s hard for alot of people to understand that, though, which makes our decision difficult to explain. We also have to face questions and scrutiny from our family/friends who tend to thnk, “You’re engaged so you must be in the throes of wedding planning and you must have a date set for a year or two from now!” And it’s like, nope. Zero planning at this point.

    As I mentioned, we will get married before we have a kid, because that’s the only thing we can see that makes being legally married beneficial for us. But until then, we’re just enjoying our long engagement and saving that tax money.

    Post # 3
    4027 posts
    Honey bee

    View original reply
    SellyJo:  Well, we got married 12 days before our 10 year anniversary…but close enough!

    We waited until we were “established” in our careers, finances and felt emotionally prepared. We started dating at 15 and 17, so we were clearly very young. We wanted to finish college and have a few years of work before marriage. We got married at 25 and 27. Now, 1 year and 3 months later, we are very happy and have no regrets.

    Interestingly, I never felt like I was “waiting” until a few months before he proposed. We had casually discussed marriage off and on, but didn’t have a serious discussion until March of our 9th year of dating. At that point, we decided we would get married “soon.” That September, he proposed. We had an 11 month long engagement and it was perfect for us.

    We spent a long of time building a strong foundation in our relationship before marriage and wanted to be certain we were growing together, rather than apart. Did we have tough times? Absolutely, but now that we are approaching our late 20’s, we are comfortable with who we are as individuals and as a couple.

    Even though we dated throughout college, we still spent time figuring out ourselves, which I am thankful for. We went to separate colleges (in the same town), both did sports/clubs, I did study abroad 3 times, I also worked abroad and we had our own groups of friends. After college, we both began to pursue our careers and develop ourselves professionally. At that time, we started focusing on merging our lives a little more and aligning our goals. 

    We didn’t want to “rush” anything and we have no regrets about it. I know some people will say, “when you know you know, so why wait.” But we believe, “if it’s meant to be, it will happen when you are ready.” We knew where our relationship was headed, but we wanted to take our time in getting there. 

    TheGridMonster:  We just learned this past year how much the marriage penalty tax sucks! 

    Post # 4
    1757 posts
    Buzzing bee

    After 10 years all of the momentum is gone, I’m not excited at all for a wedding anymore- now it just seems like an unnecessary, expensive party. I feel like we’re old now and life has passed us by, maybe we lost our chance. My friends are all having kids now and not into bachelorette parties, and too many kids for them to have time to be a bridesmaid with me. To his family the wedding is a social formality, they expect it but haven’t pushed for it, so “whatever” my man thinks (he’s the procrastinator).

    If I had it to do all over, I would have a wedding young and maybe 2yrs into the relationship. When everything is exciting and fresh and fun and new.

    Post # 8
    4027 posts
    Honey bee

    View original reply
    yupmarried:  Wow, that is really unfortunate that you feel that way. Are you both quite a bit older? We waited ten years and it was still a very exciting time to plan a wedding. We were still relatively young at the time though. We have friends who have been married a few years with children, but we don’t feel like we missed out on anything and we aren’t ready for children yet anyway.

    Post # 9
    113 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: May 2015

    My Fiance and I started dating on 2 September 2001. We got engaged on our 12 year anniversary on 2nd September 2013. We get married on 2nd May 2015 so 13 years and 8 months after we got together. It is a very long time and we spoke and I pressured about marriage for several years, but there was always a reason or another not to do it. I guess the thing is that we were only 16 when we got together so for many of our initial years we were too young (in our opinion) to get married. We wanted to finish school, go to uni, build our careers before settling into married life. I love that we’ve been together for so long. It confusing for people when I tell then it been 13 years as we’re only 29 and I look younger. Lol!

    Post # 10
    670 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2017 - Ceremony and Reception: Historic mansion on the water

    I could have answered in a couple of ways but in the end waiting was right for us.  We’ve known each other for 20 years.  Our relationship has been off and on throughout but when you add it all up we’ve been together as a couple over 10 years for sure.  Had we gotten married any earlier it would have been rough.  We more than likely would have weathered the storms but I am glad we waited until now.  The last three years we delayed, however, due to my FH’s battle with cancer.  He is now in remission and we are just ready to move on with our lives together as man and wife.  The through good and bad, sickness and in health part we’ve got down pat. 🙂

    Post # 11
    9527 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper

    View original reply
    SellyJo: I have no idea what laws in the UK are like. I actually don’t think many people are aware of it in the US (or at least aren’t aware of it until they’re already married and end up having to deal with it). I think it’s the stupidest thing. Why should certain couples be penalized tax-wise for just being married when other couples receive a tax benefit?

    bmo88:  I’m glad I’m not the only one that hates this whole marriage penalty business!

    It sounds like you both have amazing relationships… wishing you nothing but continued happiness! And as they say, the best things in life are worth waiting for!


    Post # 12
    257 posts
    Helper bee

    We were married after nearly 2 decades together! We were young when we started out so we weren’t thinking about marriage for a good long while. Then careers took over! We don’t regret waiting, it was right for us. I never needed engagement or marriage as a sign if commitment so I think that helped. I do love being married though, it does make a difference, I never imagined it would but it’s ace 🙂

    For what it’s worth you get a bit of a tax break in the UK once you’re married. 

    Post # 13
    766 posts
    Busy bee

    My fiance and I starting dating in high school and have been together ever since. So we will be married a month before our 10 year anniversary. We really didn’t have much choice in waiting so long. We both wanted to be done with college and basically set up in our lives financially and otherwise. The thing that gets me is the length of our engagement – 2 years! We were definitely not prepared for how much a wedding would cost. That is all I would change if I could. I seriously cannot wait to be married! It feels like we have been together a lifetime and I want to get going and start a family! So exciting :]

    Post # 14
    6297 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: November 2009 - New York, NY

    We married after living together for 18 yrs.  There wasn’t a specific reason for the wait,  it just didn’t happen.  We considered ourselves married since the moment we moved in together, though.

    Post # 15
    587 posts
    Busy bee

    We were together nearly eleven years when we got married! We got together when i was 17 and he 19 though. So were 28 and 30 when we married. Sometimes I think it would have been nice to have married a few years earlier, but we wouldn’t be in the position we are now if we did. We both bought houses before we married (still paying them off though), but we will be better off financially hopefully in the future. I went to uni while still living with parents, and we only moved in together a couple years before we married. 

    As we were still at the age where most other people are also getting married, the excitement was still the same! Being together for so long before hand made it more special as we have such a fantastic connection! 


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