(Closed) For newlyweds, how often is TOO often? Poll

posted 5 years ago in Married Life
  • poll: If you were in my shoes how much would you be okay with?
    1-2 times per year : (22 votes)
    14 %
    3-4 times per year : (51 votes)
    32 %
    5-6 times per year : (20 votes)
    13 %
    Let her come as often as she wants! : (21 votes)
    13 %
    Don't even give a number up front, just cross that bridge when you get to it! : (45 votes)
    28 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    4659 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    :-/ I don’t like having people in my space, so waaaaay too often. I’d feel like I had to be martha stewart just to not incur crazy judgment, and I would have a hard time feeling relaxed in my home because I’d constantly be preparing for the next visit. So I’m totally with you.

    I’d be pushing for a TRADE on visits, if you’re like me, happy to visit others, not super pleased to be visited constantly.

    Talk to your FH about it, and get on the same page. Ask him to never OK a visit without asking you first, and to always say the same line to his mom: “I’m busy now/I don’t know now/Gotta check my calendar, let me call you back and talk about it.” (Not “I have to ask the wife” or anything relating to you, because that makes you come off domineering. Just “I can’t answer now.”)

    Then sometimes, maybe half the time, he will call her back and say that the two of you have plans and she should visit another time. Hopefully she won’t be so incredibly rude to push it past that. If she were, I’d expect my FH to simply stand polite-but-firm and say that that weekend is a bad time and not allow her to weasel her way in.

    He should always be the one to say yes or no to coming, he should not mention you during the conversation, and she should not get to speak to you about it (because she could pressure you in a way you’d be more vulnerable to.)

    Post # 4
    Member
    207 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: November 2013

    for how long would she be staying if she does come visit? And how far apart is it?

    Post # 5
    Member
    973 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2012

    I’m a visit me in short bursts type person (hours not days) unless there’s an emergency.  So WAY too much for me! lol.

    We have a spare room but it’s a computer/work/storage room, on a good day a double air matress could be put down.  Darling Husband (when we were just living together, not even engaged) asked about his parents staying overnight (they only live about 70 minutes away).  I think my reaction was enough, deer in the headlights, “if absolutely necessary”, etc.

    I’m allergic to anything smelly and most animals, and I’m a happy hermit.  I like people, in small doses. 🙂  I don’t know what he said to his parents but it didn’t come up again.  I know he was talking to a friend that used to crash at his place all the time and I overheard “well, I don’t mind, but she isn’t really that comfortable with people crashing as I am.”

    I don’t care if he tells people I’m allergic and home is my safe non smelly place, or that I’m just an anti social hermit :).

    Post # 6
    Member
    1497 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    Seems kind of strange. My parents would visit me and my sister when we lived far away and stayed over, but since my sister got married, they’ve never slept over at her place. They would stay at a hotel. I’m pretty sure they would do the same when I get married.

    However, you say it is just his mother. Are his parents divorced? Is she maybe lonely?

    Post # 8
    Member
    408 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    Maybe it’s because I live 12 hours away from my family, but I’d love it if my mom could come visit every other month. Have you talked to him about how often he wants her to come visit?

    Post # 9
    Member
    769 posts
    Busy bee

    @Galang_Gyal:  I can understand you point. I as a guest always feel a little awkward staying in others houses. And hosting a guest is the same.

    That said I am extremely extremely close with my immediate family (My Mum is my best friend really) so I would have no issues with them visiting whenever they suited.

    That said I think my parents would be respectful of the newlywed status .

    Post # 10
    Member
    5221 posts
    Bee Keeper

    Personally, this wouldn’t bother me because my family is big about traveling to see each other often. BUT, I can see that not everyone operates like that, and if you’re not keen on entertaining… it would give me pause.

    Is it possible that your Fiance is just a tad homesick? You said he relocated, and you’re not in the position to visit him frequently. It seems like his mother is, and I am sure he doesn’t want to come across as ‘ I need my mom!” as a grown man. But it is possible that he isn’t discouraging the frequency of these visits at the moment because he enjoys the company. If it continually becomes a problem in the marriage, and after the initial planned visit– maybe then it should be addressed. Different families operate differently when it comes to travel and arrangements, it is just something you may have to end up compromising on the keep the peace.

    Post # 11
    Member
    1963 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: January 2013

    I voted 3-4 times a year. i personally only like to see my dad one a year a year cuz he drives me completely batty,  but we see DHs parents several times a week usually, and if they moved away I would anticipate seeing them at least for major holidays, probably more often even. It sounds like your Fiance is close to his mom, and would enjoy seeing more than a couple times a year as well. Is it possible to alternate some visits and you guys go there so you aren’t always playing host? Also I completely agree with what others have said about him getting back to her after “checking his calendar.” Let him know that if he wants you and his mother to be able to maintain a good relationship he can’t blame not being able to host her on you constantly

    Post # 13
    Member
    3262 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2013

    I wouldn’t give a number up front, because setting a hard limit sounds a little wife-zilla. BUT, I completely agree with you. She needs to scale back her visit schedule after you get married. I think just let her come for that first visit, but let her know that you guys are only available to host her for the weekend or something like that. Maybe the next time she asks to visit say it’s not a good time (even if it is). That might ease her into the mentality that she cannot just drop by at her whim. If she asks why she can’t come, I don’t see any reason why your husband can’t just honestly say “I’m trying to enjoy my new home with my new wife, so we’re not doing much entertaining right now.” Girl, I say set the precedent before it’s too late!

    Post # 14
    Member
    2622 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: November 1999

    I look at it this way. How often would I want my own mom to visit? She is allowed the same curtesy. 

    The other item is since you dont want to entertain, then early on you set the precendent that when she comes, she is pretty much on her own. You wont take time off of work, be in charge of her breakfast and lunch. She can fit into your schedules.

    I personally would love for my mom to visit once a month for a weekend or a week every other month. So his mom would be allowed the same.

    Post # 16
    Member
    1963 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: January 2013

    @Galang_Gyal:  yup that’s a lot then! I definitely think her visiting no more than 4 times a year is enough if you guys also go see her!

    The topic ‘For newlyweds, how often is TOO often? Poll’ is closed to new replies.

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