- 9 years ago
- Wedding: September 2013
I had a big blowout with the SO last night. I knew it was coming, because I have the terrible habit of hiding my troubled feelings until the pressure gets to be too much and I explode. But for once, it led to a good thing!
I had gone to Tiffany’s with a friend who loved the store and was appalled that I had never been there. Of course, since I was already thinking marriage with Mr. Hey, I went right toward the ring counter and we had a blast putting on $10,000 rings. The display rings fit me perfectly, so I knew I was a size 7 ring. After we left, my friend couldn’t keep her secret any longer: my SO had tasked her with finding out my ring size, and that was why she had suggested the trip to Tiffany’s. She said my proposal was coming, it was already planned out and she knew all the details.
Of course, I got excited because this was in the spring and I figured my proposal had to be coming within the next few months. After all, it was already planned and all he needed was my ring size, right? We had already had the talk and knew we wanted to marry each other. It seemed like there was only one thing left to do.
As time went on with no proposal, I started to get impatient (bad Hey, I know!). I was looking up wedding dresses and venues online, checking out photographers’ websites, looking into eveything wedding-related. Occasionally, SO and I would have a casual conversation about what kind of wedding we’d like. He even watched an episode of Say Yes to the Dress with me and we figured out that we have similar taste in wedding dresses, which is great! Still, his overall demeanor made me feel like the wedding was a taboo subject. So I kept all my excitement and ideas bottled up and tried to wait. I did mention wedding-related things to my mom on occasion, and she made me feel even worse. She said no one likes to be pushed into an engagement and if I didn’t stop talking about getting married I was going to scare him away. She said I shouldn’t even think about weddings and marriage until I was engaged. That hurt a lot. I am in love and I know my man wants to marry me, I want to be able to share my excitement and ideas with my mother. Her opinions are important to me, and she made me feel like a crazy person.
Last night I finally blew up at him. I was frustrated that I felt like I had to hide my excitement, that I had to wait until I had a ring on my finger to be “allowed” to pre-plan and get ideas. We both have the desire to be married, he has the proposal plan, he even has a pile of cash he inherited from his grandmother that he specifically told me he wanted to put toward our wedding. What was taking so long?!
We had some angry words and he walked off in a huff which made me feel even worse. I cried in the bathroom for ten minutes and then went back into the living room to make a more civil attempt at discussion.
He told me it was difficult to execute a proposal when he felt like I was looking for it every single moment of the day. He wants so badly to surprise me, and he felt it wouldn’t be a surprise because I will always be expecting it. This actually shocked me, because I’ve never once, when we were going out or doing something special, thought, “Oh, maybe he’s going to propose now!” As impatient as I am for it to happen, I’m not looking for it in every little thing we do. I got mad again, upset that he would make this assumption about me and hold off on the proposal because of it. I was gearing up for another fight.
He asked me what my true concern was. What was the real reason I was freaking out about not having my proposal yet? So I told him: Waiting so long, when he said he had everything planned out, made me feel like he must be hesitating because he wasn’t really sure he wanted to marry me. There must be something else going on, some hidden issue that made him hesitant to propose. I was worried that our talk of getting married had been just that, talk, and he hadn’t taken it as seriously as I did. I was worried that my mom was right, I was being delusional and it was crazy of me to take a potential engagement so seriously.
Bees, he was so sweet to me. He got on his knees in front of me so he could look right into my eyes. (I was sitting in a chair, and he is a tall man!). He held my hands and said: Nothing is going to stop me from wanting to marry you. I love you! I love you so much I’m going to make you my wife. It’s a certainty. You can trust me. I’m not going to leave you waiting forever. I want the moment I propose to be a perfect moment for you. You don’t have to worry that it’s not going to happen. You can talk about wedding ideas as much as you like and it won’t scare me off. I want it as much as you do. I am just as excited as you!
What an incredible weight off my mind! I cried again (happy tears this time!). I hadn’t realized just how much damage my insecurities had done to me, that they were so strong that I would actually doubt his love and intentions. His words made all my worries disappear. I feel so much better now. I am reminded again of just how lucky I am to have found this man!
Sorry for the long post. I just wanted to share with other waiting bees who might have the same insecurities I did and need a little reassurance that we won’t be waiting forever! They may be taking their time, but we’ll get there in the end 🙂