(Closed) for the first time in my life, I felt fear in my own home.

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
3170 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I believe that a marriage can survive anything if the right steps are taken. You both need to seek out therapy and figure out how to deal with his anger. You two need to sit down and talk about last night and what was said and what your plan for the future is. Violence is unnacceptable in any form and should not be ignored or made like you don’t have to acknowledge it.

Good luck and I’m so sorry you are having to go through this.

Post # 4
Member
1630 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@Birdee106:  +1

It sounds like your husband has some serious anger issues. While most bees may tell you to “leave him”, I suggest getting some counselling first or have him go for anger counselling. Smashing a laptop, screaming in your face and calling you horrible names isn’t acceptable ever.

Post # 5
Member
983 posts
Busy bee

From your previous post a few months ago, sounds like he has some major anger issues, and they haven’t been resolved since the last post. I believe you both need to sit and talk, and consider counseling, together and separate help/counseling if you wnat your marriage to work. 

 

Post # 6
Member
11234 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

Oh hell no.

I don’t deal with this shit, having been in this relationship before, but I guess suggesting counselling is a good step. If he declines, argues, says he doesn’t have a problem, you may have to rethink the marriage.

Post # 7
Member
9648 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@marriageishard:   Your emotional and psychological safety are in danger.  More importantly, your physical safety will be come more and more endangered as time goes on.

I was previously married to an abusive man.  Abuse starts out like this – with a smashed object and yelling, cursing, screaming.  The fact he didn’t apologize tells me he is in the testing stages with you, to see how much you’ll put up with.  It WILL escalate with time, that’s a guarantee.

Reading this I’m shaking.  Please tell someone IRL what happened.  Please read about the Cycle of Abuse.  Don’t allow this to go on for years until you become a battered wife, like I did.  My ex-husband behaved exactly the way you’re describing at the start of our marriage.  By the end of it, several years later, I barely escaped with my life and had to get a restraining order against him.

Be scared.  Be very scared.  That’s a healthy reaction to what he did to you.  Don’t let this go and get counseling for yourself, forget the marriage counseling, that will certainly backfire on you with an abuser.

Praying for you.

Post # 8
Member
731 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

This is not normal behavior. This is abusive behavior and it will not get better.

I am so, so sorry but please do not put the idea of marriage above your own safety and well-being.

I would strongly recommend individual counseling for yourself. I would also recommend thinking very seriously about getting out of htis relationship. But if you aren’t there yet, at least go to counseling.

Post # 9
Member
1572 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@bretonvirgniia:  +1.

Definitely suggest counselling… that is not normal, and I personally would have been terrified. My Fiance has never even raised his voice to me, let alone smashed an expensive piece of technology to bits because he was angry. Get help before what he smashes isn’t an inanimate object, but you.

Post # 11
Member
7652 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

He hasn’t apologized yet? I think you need to have a serious talk about how you felt last night. If you feel unsafe doing so, I can on ly suggest going somewhere public just in case he tries to fly off the handle again. Like PP, I believe a marriage can survive most anything if you do this right. You guys probably need to see a counselor, especially him, for his anger issues.

You should NOT feel threatened in your own home.

Post # 12
Member
440 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

 marriageishard I’m sorry you’re going through this and I understand that you don’t want to call it quits over this one occassion but if you want any chance of a relationship to come out of this you need to put your foot down NOW.

Take a step away from him, stay somewhere else, tell him to stay somewhere else and tell him under NO CIRCUMSTANCES will you EVER put up with being shouted at and made to feel scared by him (or anybody for that matter). For all intent and purpose your relationship is now on hold until you’ve work out how to move forward from this incident and you need time to work out how YOU want to move forward from it.

He will resist at first, accuse you of overreacting, and maybe there will be few more threats thrown in there when you tell him this, (which is telling in itself) You need to give him your boundries that he cannot dare cross.

Then only one of the 2 things will happen next, he will either agree to work with you on your terms to work out what’s going on here (Therapy, talking to friends, whatever else you feel is necessary) or he won’t. And you’ll have your answer about what sort of person he is right there.

Don’t excuse or put up with this, and I’d be sure as hell asking him to replace the laptop and give me a heart felt apology for the unacceptable way he spoke to you.

 

Post # 13
Member
1342 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

@Sunfire:  I am so sorry you went through what you did but thank you for sharing your story in order to help another Bee.  

Post # 14
Member
988 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I have to disagree with those saying whether her marriage will work depends on what she does. HE is the one who needs to make that decision because HE is the one who is an abuser and needs to change. It’s getting him to that point where he wants to change that is difficult. He sounds very, very dangerous. I would leave and only give him one chance to make some drastic changes. Your life is at stake.

Post # 15
Member
1828 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

@marriageishard:  You wouldn’t listen or follow the rules? Seriously?!

Read up on projection. It’s the part of abuse where the abuser places blame on the victim. Sound familiar? With a man like this I wouldn’t even recommend counseling. He will just learn how to manipulate and abuse you ‘better’. Counselling is for couples that are having other types of issues where they BOTH want to work on it. If he chooses to go to counseling on his own and change his behavior ON HIS OWN without you having to convince him to go and keeps it up consistently for about a year…then I might CONSIDER the chance that he has changed.

Post # 16
Member
1257 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Domestic violence is not about anger and what you did or didn’t do. It is about power and control. While seeking therapy would be beneficial for someone who WANTS TO CHANGE, it appears that he does not see that he has a problem. I suggest getting therapy for yourself and doing that should help you make a decision about what is best for you.

The domestic violence counselor in me says run for the hills but that is highly unrealistic if you are not ready to do such a thing. I think it is important for you to better understand the dynamics of your relationship and how he treats you. I think that therapy for yourself will really open your eyes to things you probably don’t even realize are abusive.

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