(Closed) for the first time in my life, I felt fear in my own home.

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 32
Member
2375 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Bipolar does not equal abuser.  Depression does not equal abuser.  Mood swings, frustration, anger are all expected behavior from someone with a mental illness.  These are things that can be worked on, dealt with and worked around. 

Repeatedly telling someone they are worthless, that it’s their fault for not being ‘perfect’, that they’re too stupid to follow the rules is an ABUSER.  And in this case, one that’s escalating fast.  There is a world of difference between the two.  Everything you’ve told us is standard abuser behavior.  An abuser will mentally, emotionally, physically beat you down until you truly believe you’re a bad wife, that you’re worthless, that he’s the best that you’ll ever get.  Don’t believe it.  Get angry and get out before he convinces you to drink the koolaid.

Post # 34
Member
2167 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@marriageishard:  This is abuse and it will most likely only get worse. He may not have laid a hand on you this time, but if it continues it is very very liekly to escalate into something more. Please confide in a trusted family member, friend or loved one. I think you need to make a safety plan for yourself in the event that something like this happens again.

Post # 35
Member
10019 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@marriageishard:   I’m sorry, his apology really doesn’t mean anything unless he NEVER, EVER treats you that way EVER AGAIN.

Chances are he will.  And then apologize.  And then abuse you again.  It’s a cycle. 

Post # 36
Member
10363 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

Ugh. I hate that the “for better or for worse” marriage pressure allows people to justify staying in a relationship that is abusive. OP, time to leave!

Post # 37
Member
1998 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

@marriageishard:  It’s nice of him to have apologized but then my abusive ex apologized to me all the time. Didn’t make him stop what he was doing though. 

It looks like your husband has serious anger management issues. Like the other bees said, I think it would be safer for you to remove yourself from him and deal with this issue from a distance. He hasn’t hit you yet but who knows what he might do if he loses control again. The lack of respect he showed for you was NOT okay!

Do you have a family member or a friend you could stay with for a while? I’m not saying you should give up on your marriage but you’d be safer somewhere else until your husband gets proper counseling.  

Post # 38
Member
9134 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

@Birdee106:  Spot on advice.

Post # 39
Member
1998 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

@MariContrary:  “An abuser will mentally, emotionally, physically beat you down until you truly believe you’re a bad wife, that you’re worthless, that he’s the best that you’ll ever get.” THAT! This sentence should be put in self-help books for abused women. It happened to me and we weren’t even married or living together full time. THANK YOU for putting it down so well. 

Post # 40
Member
2375 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@MsMeow:  Sadly, I’ve heard it a lot.  My living room has been taken over many times by friends/acquaintances who needed a safe place to stay for a while.  At this point, I think I’ve heard every excuse in the book too.

Post # 41
Member
1572 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I’m so sorry that your’e going through this. Do you have any friends or family that you could stay with for a few days? I do truly believe that people can change, and there are ways to overcome this, but I strongly suggest taking some time away so that you can properly think over things. I was in an abusive marriage, and at first the things were subtle. I didn’t see it as abuse. It escalated rather quickly. I was called all sorts of names, and for the longest time I really didn’t feel like I deserved better. I felt like I brought it on myself. I also didn’t feel that i could leave. I was embaressed to tell anyone taht it happened, and still not many know about it. 

 

You deserve better. Would he go to counseling? If nothing else, i suggest you go to counseling. My ex didn’t believe in counseling, he said it was for couples for whom it was too late. I disagree. 

Post # 42
Member
18 posts
Newbee

@marriageishard:  I went through something very similar for quite awhile with my SO.  He has a bad temper and would get violent.  He never hit me but he would throw things, break things, scream etc. and honestly it would scare me.  We have two dogs and he once got so angry over a very minor arguement about video games that he threw the table and almost injured our dogs.  I told him to just walk away before things getting worse.  I left the house in a mess (instead of cleaning up like I would always do) took the dogs to my parents house for the night and just left. 

It wasn’t until the next morning when he came down and saw that he had distroyed OUR HOME that he realized how extreme his actions were.  After I came home, we had a very long talk.  I explained that the way he acts scares me and that he may not see if as abuse because he’s not hitting me but if his brother-in-law acted this way towards his sister how would he feel.  He admitted that he would tell his sister to leave him and he would want to beat him up for treating her that way.  At which I asked him why it’s okay for him to treat me that way and he couldn’t come up with an answer.  I explained that I could never marry or have children with someone who has such bad anger issues, we didn’t go to counselling though we probably should of but we talked about what the triggers were that made him angry and strategies for staying calm when we get into a disagreement.  Now when I see him start getting frustrated I actually stop the discussion and we take a break.  He’ll go do something that he enjoys like work on the basement and I’ll take the dogs for a walk and once we’ve both calmed down we talk through the problem. 

Over two years later we haven’t had a fight that’s escalated into anything violent.  I learned that in his past relationships his ex’s were very argumentative and that yelling and throwing things were common on both sides but that’s not at all how I solve disagreements and it’s been a matter of teaching and helping him understand how to deal with his frustration and not let it escalate at all.  A large trigger for him was the fact that his career had become unstable, he was constantly unemployed so I helped him develop a career plan, go through school and now he has a great career and he feels good about contributing to our household. 

Post # 43
Member
51 posts
Worker bee

Hey first of all I hope your ok. Just saw your post and had to reply. No one can tell you what to do or not to do. I just had to throw my story in after reading what you said.

I can completely relate as I had nearly the excact same thing happen to me with my now ex-husband. One night he came home from work and lost the plot with me over nothing, I was shocked and stunned. During the course of something I brought up I wanted to talk to him about he flipped. I was sitting on the couch he came over screaming into my face, nose to nose just like you, he had

the romote control and broke it in his hands. I was terrified. He went to bed and I was left in a bad state. I said nothing about it and carried on as normal the next day( I wanted to pretend it did not happen) Guess what the same thing happend one week later. 

Some backround, this was the final straw in my marriage as my husband had been abusive towards me before on numerous occasions, and always blamed me for his abuse. 

If this is or was an isolated incident and completly out of character then very possibily it can be nipped in the bud, but do not ignore it or let him away with it. If this is another piece of the puzzle and is just another” incident” you need to get honest with yourself and as I was told RUN FOR THE HILLS by a good friend.  

It was the most difficult thing to do, leaving your husband is so hard when you still love him, I was only married for 7mts. I was honest with myself and faced the fact he was only getting worse, as they normally do. My life only got better and I met a wonderful man, I have never looked back no matter how hard it was.

Girl, just be honest with yourself, thats my only bit of advise. hope everything works out for you .

 

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