(Closed) For those bees who were resentful while waiting…

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
1647 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

I was increasingly resentful. EVERYONE had gotten married before us including younger cousins, and all of these relationships had started for them during university which means they had been together for 5 or 6 years before they got married. During most of those weddings we had already been dating for 7-10 years, and I didn’t even have a timeline since my husband wanted it to be a complete surprise. When I heard my cousin who was significantly younger than me got engaged, I broke down and told him if he doesn’t give me a timeline, I am going to have to seriously doubt his actual commitment to our relationship. When I had that meltdown(at about the 11.5 year range), he just consoled me because he actually HAD the ring, and was waiting for our trip to BC next week to propose.

I asked him what took him so long and it came to money. We had no idea that my parents would pay for most of the wedding so the thought of the wedding plus ring is a lot of cash, so he wanted to have enough cash so that we wouldn’t go into debt. He also wanted it to be a TOTAL surprise, so he didn’t want me to be thinking about it so he never gave me a timeline. I am so happy we waited now, it was OUR time to get married even though it was nearly 13 years after we started dating.

Post # 4
Member
949 posts
Busy bee

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weeziebee:  I started feeling a bit resentful occasionally around the 9 year mark (mainly when friends were getting engaged and married). I didn’t feel it all the time, but I did feel it when people asked when we were going to get married or have kids, or when someone who’d been together for a shorter period of time got engaged. I knew that we were going to get married eventually (we’d discussed this) but I was just losing patience.

We both wanted to make the choice in our own time, and not as a result of being badgered into it by others asking when we were going to do it. I ended up getting frustrated by others asking us about it, because I knew that it was going to mean I had to wait even longer.

In the end, it turns out that my husband had been trying to find the right moment to propose for a full year! He proposed the night before our 11th anniversary, and he’d had plans to propose while we were on our 10th anniversary trip the year before. Unfortunately I unwittingly messed up his plan to propose on our trip, and after that other times he’d considered doing it around didn’t work out because a large number of our friends (and his brother) also ended up getting either engaged or married during that year long wait. In the end, he just decided to take the bull by the horns and ask. When he did, I was so enthusiastic in saying yes, that I’d replied before he had a chance to finish the sentence 😀

Post # 6
Member
1128 posts
Bumble bee

Yes I became resentful while I was waiting. I have quite an obsessive personality anyway and worry a lot about things, so this became the thing for about two years. It was a difficult time and testing on our relationship.

In terms of talking about it afterwards, I suppose I didnt need to because I often spoke about how I felt at the time while I was waiting. I do regret this a little but I did try and keep quiet but it was written all over my face!

One thing I will say, which I never believed before getting engaged, is that the resentment does just disapear the moment you get engaged…or at least it did for me. I thought it would carry on and I would still feel the urge to bring it up and go on about how difficult it was, but it just feels like the past now and I moved on from it almost immediately. That is a relief for me, as negative energy isn’t a good thing.

We were together 4.5 years before getting engaged (4 of which spent living together). I was more than ready at the 2.5 year mark so spent around 2 years ‘waiting’.

I hope you can manage the resentful feelings xxx

Post # 7
Member
949 posts
Busy bee

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weeziebee:  The main thing is, you cannot compare your reltionship with anyone else’s. My best childhood friend got married on the 5 year anniversary of meeting her wife. I would have loved that too, but unfortunately we weren’t in any position to tie the knot according to that timeline. Even though I ended up waiting an extra year to get married, it all worked out well in the end, as our engagement would have been over a much more tumultuous year in our lives.

Post # 8
Member
3035 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015 - Walnut Hill Bed & Breakfast

He knew i was getting resentful… he wasn’t oblivious. I had a bit of a meltdown when his 18yr old cousin got engaged… who i remember being a flower girl in his sister’s wedding when she was like 8. I didn’t hide those feelings from him. we actually got engaged shortly after when i think he realized that he couldn’t possibly procrastinate any longer because we had pretty much already agreed to get married in Spring of 2015 and it was summer of 2014…. plus we were looking at houses and I wasn’t going to agree to buy until i knew he bought the ring.

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 1 month ago by  amberback.
Post # 9
Member
270 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

Not all marriages (or engagements) are created equal.

I don’t know about you, but I wouldn’t want to be engaged with someone who beat me.   Holy cow!  They might be engaged, but yikes!  

Honestly, I think 10 years is trippin’.  In my last relationship, I became increasingly resentful at 3 years, and left after New Year’s on our 4th year.  My current boyfriend loves this story, and can’t believe the guy let me go. 

And that’s what happened.  He let me go.

We talked about marriage, but it was always a “someday” thing.  He talked about getting a house, and I pointed to my finger.   It’s not that he didn’t have money; he would spend all his income on various “toys”.  Before I left, I sat him down and asked him his five-year-plan.  He said “I don’t know”.  And that was it. 

 

Some guys just don’t get it – they’re not marriage oriented.  

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 1 month ago by  zippy85.
  • This reply was modified 5 years, 1 month ago by  zippy85.
Post # 10
Member
1131 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

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weeziebee:  OH I was very resentful.  My Darling Husband propsed 8 years into dating.  We had both talked about marriage really early on as I wanted to get married way before he did.  He knew that I wanted marriage out of the relationship.  We had many many fights.  After we got engaged I told him how resentful I was.  I never did hide anything from him.  I have always been an open book so he knows when I am being serious about something.  You two being together for 10  years and not having a timeline seems kind of crazy, well at least in my opinion.  Talk to him and see if you two are on the same page.  You wouldn’t want to be in a relationship that isn’t going anywhere.  

Post # 11
Member
3310 posts
Sugar bee

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weeziebee:  Urgh, the kinds of people you listed are the kind of people who ruin the sanctity of marriage! *sigh*

I hate waiting but I’m not feeling resentful towards my SO, I just get jealous of other couples becoming engaged before us because most of them have been dating for a much shorter period of time.

I know my time is coming this year, but I am SO impatient!!!!! Even my mum seems impatient LOL, but I AM the oldest daughter and I am almost 29, I think my mum just wants grandbabies tbh hahaha…

Post # 12
Member
1289 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

I was extremely bitter and he knew it. Me having a melt down and screaming at him that I was tired of being lead on was his wake up call. Since getting engaged I definitely have clued him in to all the times I “thought” he was getting ready to propose so he understands what he put me through!

Post # 13
Member
1848 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

Oh yes, he knew because he knew how I felt about it before we got engaged. I have a lot of stability issues stemming from my family, and saw a lot of my mother’s partners not take her effort and love seriously… She was never validated. I was okay with being a girlfriend until maybe 2.5 years with Fiance… then people started getting together, getting engaged, and getting MARRIED all in the time we’ve been together. It really started getting to me and those issues I’ve had crept in. I wondered if I was ever going to get that validation I really needed and wanted. My Fiance is a very ‘when I’m ready, I’m ready… But not a second before’ type of guy. He did the proposal on his own terms, but that didn’t stop me from wanting what I wanted beforehand. He actually let me ring shop while he had the ring! 

Looking back, I know it was the right time for us. He is so completely ready to be married and I know if he had done it sooner, he might have had some doubts because he rushed it. I know it’s frustrating seeing people get what you’d like to have and I KNOW because I went through a lot of worry and insecurity. We’ve been together for almost six years and he does know how hard it was for me to wait for him to be ready. It was worth it, though. 

Post # 14
Member
37 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2015

I was pretty resentful hit my breaking point after over a year of official waiting and we got in a huge fight, which in turn led to him proposing. we had been together for 4 years and my only issue was that we’re not getting any younger and we both know we want kids. hindsight is 20/20 and sometimes I wish it wouldn’t have happened this way, but then again who knows how much longer I would’be waited if I hadn’t spoken up. however now we’re planning away, talking about starting our family soon and everything is amazing. 🙂 

Post # 15
Member
92 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

@weeziebee: I read this and wanted to send a virtual hug!

I was with my Fiance for 8+ years and had endured long-distance, a move and being the only provider in our home while he obtained a grad degree. It bugged me that several people we knew got engaged while still in school (how they paid for such a thing I’ll never know!)!! At one point all of the engaged couples combined! had been together less time than we had!!

It sounds like you are privy to several dysfunctional relationships, it can be tempting to judge your relationship against theirs but it’s just exhausting. And it might be a good reminder that anyone can get engaged, but marriage is a real commitment requiring effort, compromise, love and a really good sense of humor!!

As far as what your significant other might be experiencing–my Fiance never fielded any of those pesky questions from acquaintances and relatives about our timeline on marriage or starting a family. And the more uncomfortable/inappropriate questions like if I really thought he would propose or if I had just given up?!? Ouch! Without generalizing, I don’t think men always experience the pressure of getting engaged (especially if you have been together awhile). If he isn’t experiencing people questioning his life choices maybe he doesn’t see the frustrations that come with waiting to get engaged. He could be like my Fiance and have a real plan in mind, he waited until we moved back to our home city which meant our proposal was that more sentimental because he asked where we first met. It meant I waited two years but it was worth it!

Waiting caused some really large fights in our relationship but what I learned was the following:

1)kudos for knowing you want to be with someone. If only there was a reward for knowing you love him and want to spend your lives together. There are no balloons, parades or celebrations for being ready for that commitment. And it can hurt more when you are ready and they are ready too but don’t have the proposal thing ready. We both wanted to get engaged for about two years before we really could take that next step. I recently found articles in the “pre-engaged” section of apractial wedding.com and wished I had read them while I was waiting.

2) if you want to say something but the timeline talk is too much, can you say something affirming? When we found out a couple had gotten engaged, we both mentioned how excited we were for us to experience that. Can you say something along those lines, how excited you are to take that next step with him? Just a thought. That’s not to say you shouldn’t have a real timeline conversation eventually. But a subtle mention of engagement might be an easier way to begin that topic.

3)don’t push it. I did, and learned he was working on the ring. I felt horrible and while the proposal was still a surprise, I felt so icky for having bothered him about it. That resentment you are feeling is better addressed by letting your partner know that you want to take the next step, and taking care of yourself. If wedding sites or social media are bringing you down, take a break and see if it helps.

4) I know it’s hard to do but think about ways to invest in your relationship. Spending time dwelling in that uncomfortable waiting feeling is draining on everyone. Finding ways to connect and spend quality time with one another refocuses your energy and reaffirms those feelings that make waiting so hard in the first place. Best of luck!!

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