(Closed) For those of you who are not the first wife

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
2493 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

It sounds like you might be overreacting about the joke he made. My Fiance has been trying to take my ring off for the last week just kidding that he is making a mistake!

My Fiance has also been married before, and I can understand his ex not wanting to hear about your marriage. Frankly, my first love got engaged and I took him of FB because it bothered me. Do I still love my first love? Heck no! But there are certain emotions around these things, and I’d assume it is the same as with your ex-wife/ex-husband. My Fiance doesn’t contact his ex anymore (they had no kids and no reason to stay in touch), and I honestly have not once questioned whether or not he loves her. I think if I did there was either some issue I had trusting him or some issue he had caused that I could not trust.

Have you tried talking to someone about how you are feeling or going to pre-marital councilling? It sounds like you have some issues either around your self-confidence or trust in him that needs to be resolved.

Post # 5
35 posts
  • Wedding: June 2012

my Fiance was married before and they had a child… although i have tons of issue and complications around being a step-mother.. and around the biomom and her control over our lives, i can say that i never thought of him still being in love with her.

well that’s not true, at first it was on my mind, but believe me when i say that there is nothing amicable about their split! and so they can barely handle a phone call without fighting.. so i guess i really don’t have to worry about that.

one thing i can say for sure is that you are lucky that they get along, trust me, as you know step-parenting can be difficult at times, but throw in babymama drama and you’ll wish they got along.

i think it’s normal for her to not need to see engagement and marriage news on FB, after all like takemyhand said, i don’t really like seeing ex’s getting married and having babies.. and i really don’t hold a candle for any of those guys, i woulnd’t worry about it too much.

as far as him, well maybe he meant that he made a bad desicion by marrying her! i know my Fiance jokes around all the time that he “still has time” and “we’re not married yet” .. little does he know i am having my doubts (but that’s a whole other post).

i think you two are ok, maybe you are just getting nervous because this is all “for real”, i know when i first got engaged i was freaking out all the time over nothing.

hope this helps! and you may be interested in visiting http://www.smoms.org it’s an amazing website, just like this one where stepmothers can talk/discuss/rant/vent/get advice/give advice, and just like here the women on that site are amazing and unbelievably helpful.

Post # 6
10714 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2012

I have a son but his dad and I never were married I never ever would wish to be with his father again. My Fiance was married before but has no kids… I sometimes wonder if he wishes they would have just worked out even though I know he hates her because she cheated. It still makes me wonder if he misses her- I’ve noticed him checking out her facebook before. Oh well he put a rock on my finger so I know he loves me and is serious about marrying me- sometimes it’s just bothersome. 

On the other side of this- I would not want to see my ex Fiance getting engaged or married or having a baby… he hurt me terribly and to know it was me and he was able to stay faithful to someone else would most likely destroy me. We had a hard split and I put the blame on him so if he can make it work with someone else and stop cheating, I would feel totally at fault and not good enough for anyone. Everyone has reasons for not being able to see an ex move on- I wouldn’t worry too much about that, I’d never go back to my ex even though seeing him move on would be sad. I hope that made sense.

Post # 7
1131 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@Sunshine73: I also think it was just one comment. He loves you. Worry less 🙂

Post # 8
9029 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

I also think you are reading too much into that joke he made…

Post # 9
271 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I had an ex and to be quite frank, I still love him.  I will always love him.  That does not however mean that we can or should be married still and it definately does not mean that I love my current husband any less!!!

Post # 10
11419 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

Are you able to tell us how and why his marriage ended and how long ago it ended?

Post # 11
1844 posts
Buzzing bee

A agree with bells that you might be reading to much in to it, but you know the situation better than we do.

My SO’s ex-wife just got remarried and he had a day or so of mopeing around, now he is excited about it. When I asked him about it he was concerned becuase the new step dad would be closer to his children then he is, and there were some other reasons that were not at all ex-wife related. Is it possible  there are some of these reasons around the situation now?


Post # 12
7495 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

Just wanted to comment from the other side- as the ex-wife.  I was married to the ex for 10 years and we have a daughter together, and we get along fairly well.  Even though I am happily remarried now with a new baby daughter, I have to admit it was hard when the ex got remarried 2 months ago.  Not because I want him back or anything, but I did have to stop looking at facebook for a few days.  I wish him and his new wife well, but its just hard to see the mutual friends and his family congratulating.  The ex has also said that at first he found it really hard to see my posts about my new pregnancy.  Like, you know the person is going to move on, but its still shocks you a little when it happens.  Hope that makes sense. 

Post # 13
7587 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

My Darling Husband was married before and has a wonderful 4 year old son. When I first started dating him we all got a long very well. I was actually happy about it since I had been in a relationship where he also had an ex and they argued constantly. 

Darling Husband and I got engaged, and things changed, with him and his ex. They began to argue quite often and at one point her and I had a very uncomfortable conversation, where she said “It seems as though you got the John that I always wanted”. It was weird for sure. 

Anywho after we got married their relationship tanked. Its now a giant mess. I think it’s because she’s still in love with him. HOwever, I have no doubts about his feelings for me and his lack of feelings for her.

Post # 14
1572 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@Sunshine73: both my partner and I were married before. He has been divorced for 5 or 6 years (they were married for less than a year). Occasionally I do worry that he misses her, or would rather be with her – but overall not really (it happens more when i’m sick b/c she’s not). She cheated on him, so their marriage ending was pretty difficult for him. They are not friends on FB, and there is no reason for me to be friends with her (I don’t even know her). What did your Fiance say about his ex unfriending you on FB? I honestly wouldn’t be too hurt by it unless you guys were great friends or something. There could be lots of reasons for the unfriending. Also, I agree that it might be difficult to hear details of your wedding planning/engagement. I do not like my ex husband, but I would feel odd hearing about his wedding (if he got re-married – I honeslty have no clue if he is even dating someone and don’t care). 

You said they have kids together, so she’s going to be around no matter what. I think it’s good that they get along – I’d rather they be civil than hate each other. That said, I don’t really know how you feel as my partner did not have kids w/ his ex wife.

Maybe I’m too out of it (on pain killers) but I don’t get the joke. I don’t think it’s offenseive, but I just don’t understand it. 

The best thing is to just talk about it. Have you two tried couples counseling? I think it’s great for any couple, but also really helpful for before getting married. There’s all sorts of little things that I’d rather make sure we’re on the same page about. Even though my partner and I get along well, I like to make sure our communication is doing well – sometimes it’s hard to understand each other.

Post # 15
2126 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I’m a about to be a second wife…but I don’t really like to think of myself that way. LOL. My Fiance was with his ex for 10 years, and he’s been divorced for 10 years. I initially met him shortly after his divorce, but I was seriously young and stupid at the time and it was quite obvious that though he was excited to meet someone he was attracted to, whom he really adored…that he was dealing with some depression, indicitive of the fact that he wasn’t over his relationship. 

We ended up deciding we would be better as friends….and actually didn’t speak for a very, very long time. A few years after his divorced he wanted to pick up where we left off…and that was hard for me. I still really felt like he wasn’t ‘done’ grieving and I was dating and I didn’t feel like getting my heart stomped on. 

In the end, it was all about trust. In the two years preceeding our engagement, the sadness lifted from him completley and he fell in love…and it happend to be with me. I think I’ve always loved him, from the moment I saw him…and I felt like he had gone through something really profound and painful and I just decided to care for him even though I couldn’t have his heart.

So, yes I did have times of fear that he would never stop loving her. At the same time I wasn’t holding my breath, I was living my life and seeing other people but something made me want to stay acquainted with him and I’m sure glad I did because there’s no one else for me.

As for his ex. I do have to see her around from time to time. They didn’t have kids but she’s still involved with his family here and there. It’s hard for me to be around her knowing he once loved her and I’m not sure how she feels…but we sure aren’t facebook buddies and she sure doesn’t come to my door when she comes by to pick up my nephews for a visit. 

I can’t say I hae any doubts that his feeling for her faded long ago. I do sometimes feel jelous of her relationship with his family though.

My fiance’ actually got his marriage to her annulled so that he could marry me. (He’s not catholic but I am and it was required). And since he’s not a good writer, I had to interview him and write a deposition about his marriage and what went wrong, to proove to the courts that his marriage was invalid based on their laws. It was hard learning the ins and outs of their relationship…..but inT the end I found that they succumbed to puppy love in their teenage years, were pressured to marry by conservative parents, and they hardley ever discussed their feelings. 

I think the annullment was sort of healing for him. I think he realizes now he didn’t do anything wrong, that they just didn’t have what it took, combined… to make it work.

I don’t think you should read too much into what he’s saying. Ask him what he means. As for his ex…I know it should sseem like if there’s no feelings then what’s the big deal, but you can’t erase the past. Just like you she had hopes and dreams with that man and they went out the window. She’s moved on and I’m sure she’s happy, but she doesn’t need to hear about his new life on a daily basis.

Be his one true wife, and don’t let the past haunt you.

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