Post # 1
Did you give them free reign over the guest list? My mother is under the impression that since she and my dad plan on paying for most of the wedding, that she can invite whoever she wants. This is NOT okay with me, SO and I have always wanted a small wedding of close friends and family. My mom has always used $$ as leverage in any argument, and when I shot her down saying that she already had her wedding, her answer was “Well I’ll be paying for it, that’s how it goes”. I THINK NOT. Obviously it’s awesome that they plan on paying for much of it, but this isn’t about her, it’s about us and our relationship. Any others have/had the same situation? What happened? Ughhhh.
Post # 3
I would hope that you could have an honest converstaion with your mom about your vision for your wedding, and that she would respect that. But ultimately, if they’re paying, they do get to make a lot of the decisions.
Post # 4
I think you need to make reasonable accommodation for her, but at the same time not let her take over. If you want full control, I think you and your Fiance should foot the bill. Can you compromise? Like let her invite her cousins, but skip her coworkers and neighbors?
Post # 5
My parents gave us full control, but that’s how they are – the money was a gift end of story. Unfortunatly not a lot of parents are like that and I think it comes down to this: If you want full control, then you have to wait until you can pay for it. It’s sad and it sucks but sadly that’s how a fair number of parents seem to treat this situation.
I would try to reason with her though and see if a compromise can be made that would make both of you comfortable.
Post # 6
The money from FI’s and my parents came with no strings. But, we are inviting FMIL’s best friend and eight family members from my dad’s side I wasn’t planning on having. Future Mother-In-Law did not ask, it was FI’s idea. I figured it was 2 people so in the grand scheme of things (175ish person wedding) its not a big deal. My dad’s relatives weren’t originally on the list because they are his step father’s kids and grand kids. The stepfather has been married into our family since before I was born and I’m fairly close with him. I wasn’t planning on inviting his kids/grandkids because my mom’s dad has remarried 2x so there are a lot of step aunts/uncles and cousins on that side. I was not ok inviting them because the most recent wife has only been married into the family for a couple years, so I have not met any of her kids/grandkids from her two previous marraiges. I don’t think I’ve met either of his deceased (2nd) wife’s kids or grandkids from previous marraiges. Of course the step grandparents are all invited. I just like rules for inviting people (as in all witihin a certain distance of relativeness) and I didn’t want to expand the guest list by 60(+?) people, most of whom I haven’t met. If the money came with strings I probably would not accept it.
ETA: My dad’s family members coming was not a requirement, but he did make it clear that it would be really nice for his relatives to be there if there was room in the guest list.
Post # 7
I generally think if someone is going to pop for your wedding and use their money, then yes, they get to call the shots if they want to. If you want to keep it on your terms, then I agree that you should foot the bill and make it something you can afford. Ideally, it’d be nice to have a happy medium, but I don’t think it’s required unless the money was 50/50.
If your mom has used $$ as leverage in the past, weddings can kind of bring out the worst in people – some poeple. I just worry it’s going to get worse. I mean she’s not even letting you choose x number of friends, it’s kind of her way or the highway. That’s the danger of using money that’s not your own.
Post # 8
I read so many horror stories about how the wedding turned into a “parent vision” wedding, that I told my mom and dad that I felt very touched and honoured to be given such a large gift, but I couldn’t accept it if it came with conditions. We talked about what they expected and what I expected and that helped a lot.
In the end, my mom and dad invited 20 people (over 1/3 of our wedding guest list!), but we had the space and they really wanted them there, so I gave in.
I think you need to make the choice here. It is obvious that your mother’s money comes with the condition that she has an equal (or larger) say in your wedding plans. If you are NOT okay with that, you need to consider paying for the wedding on your own. I would sit down with your mom, have a talk about what you expected would happen and tell her how you feel with her treating you and your Fiance this way.
Post # 9
- Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry
I agree with PP that you need to sit down with your mom to iron this out.
Both sets of parents are contributing to our wedding, but as gifts-neither side is trying to dictate anything. Probably because if they did, we’d say thank you but no. We knew we wanted a small (100-125) wedding, so we figured out 25 invites for each family, 35 for both of our sets of friends.
It is supposed to be you and your fiance’s day, not your parents. Talk to her about the vision you have- hopefully you’ll be able to come to an agreement. If not, you may want to look to paying for it yourself.
Post # 10
My parents gave us a large amount of money for our wedding. We intended for it to be 90% of our budget, but as it turned out it was more like 40% …anyway, I was afraid they’d pull the “it’s our money so we can ___” but they didn’t. I felt HORRIBLE telling them they couldn’t invite people though since they were giving us a lot of money and my in laws gave nothing and still got the same if not more guests. I did have to tell my parents countless times that it’s our wedding, not theirs. In the end it’s up to your parents and how they see this whole situation.
Post # 11
No, my parents are paying, but are letting me invite who I want to invite.
Post # 12
My parents paid for most of the wedding (the entire reception). Our venue had a (small) limit of 180, so after my husbands family and our friends, my mom got free reign of the remainder of the guest list so in a way, yes. She easily had 180-200 people she wanted to invite, but had to just cut down to 130 or 140.
Post # 13
I have told her that I understand her wanting to invite certain people, IE close friends and a few co workers…but she comes from a very large italian family, and her family always controlled everything she did with $$, including paying for her wedding and inviting the entire world…She was arguing that I should invite her distant cousins from the Bronx and such because (who I wouldn’t know if I saw) “they are rich and give good gifts”…I could care less about that. My dad is very reasonable, and will put his foot down when need be, and he 99.999% of the time, is on my side. We are going to be getting engaged in the next week or 2, so this is the beginning of the battle…yikes. I plan on inviting all of my dad’s side and my mother’s side, as well as SO’s family, but certainly not people who I don’t even know. If it comes down to it, SO and I will simply say either our way or the highway, and pay ourselves.