(Closed) For those over 40….

posted 4 years ago in TTC
Post # 16
Member
5892 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

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leonatigra :  Congratulations on your BFP! Sending you lots of Baby Dust!!!

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Prettysmile40 :  Everyone is nervous going into having a kid. It is the biggest unknown. And the only thing in life you can’t back out of; don’t like being married- get a divorce, don’t like a tatto- have it removed, heck they can even reverse vasectomys now a days. But kids, they are forever.

The people who are the happiest parents have partners who share the load. They are ready to give themselves up to something bigger than themselves. They have realistic expectations (or none at all). Or they let anxiety and fear rule their lives. 

The most miserable parents are ones who are doing it by themselves. And not in the single parent way. I mean they have a partner who isn’t pulling their weight and often making things harder. While they are trying to keep it all together. Who resent having to give up parts of their old life. Or have unrealistic expectations for themselves and their child/ren. They waste all of their time trying to have a perfect house and a perfect child, they miss just being in the moment. Or they spend all their time trying to get rid of all uncertainies and risk (in an attempt to reduce their anxiety). Nothing good ever came from making decision from a place of fear.   

The other thing I’ve seen is people who have 1 too many kids. Life is crazy, but manageable with 2 kids and the 3rd sends them over the edge. The little cracks we all have in our marriages, burst open with the load of 1 too many kids. 

That’s why we are stopping at 1. Our life, marriage and finances can handle 1 kid. And with 1 kid, each individual parent still has time/energy to themselves. DH still plays in a rock band. Once you add another kid to the mix, it’s all hands on deck, all the time (until they get older). I wish we could handle another kid (and if I was younger), but we are realistic to who we are and what are life is. 

Don’t wait until you are 100% sure you want kids. You might never get there. Even after all our work, I still wasn’t 100% sure. But I was sure I didn’t want to be 75 and not have a kid. And it was worth it to me to give the time, money and sleep in order to not, not have a kid a 75 (if that makes sense). I pretty much figured I’d be miserable until the kid turned 4 and wasn’t so needy. I am pleasently surprised just how much I love the infant stage. 

Post # 19
Member
6241 posts
Bee Keeper

I’m 40 next year. DH is 42. We are ttc for the 1st time for both of us. 

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Prettysmile40 :  thanks for starting this thread. 

And to all the bees that have taken time to reply, thank you too. It’s been really good to hear from older bees. 

Post # 20
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5892 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

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Prettysmile40 :  Oh yeah, read the book And Baby Makes 3. 

I forgot to add a few things:

1) If you can take 4 months off, see if DH can take another 1-4 weeks off once you go back to work. It will get you through the 4 month sleep regression. And give DH one and one time with the kid. It really helps to bond and gives them more parenting confidance. 

2) We’ll see how long the “I need time alone after work” thing lasts. LOL My DH for the first few months would come home, say hi to the baby, then run around the house taking care of household stuff. Barely spending any time with baby. He def loved him and cared for him. But you could tell he hadn’t quite bonded yet. Now, he comes home and has to hold and kiss him before he does anything else. If baby goes to bed early, before he gets home, he is so heartbroken. He will even take one of my overnight feeding shifts, just to spend more time with him. 

Post # 22
Member
1658 posts
Bumble bee

I was 38 when I had my baby girl and I have friends who had theirs in their 40’s.  All I can tell you is that it was/is the greatest joy of my life to have her.  Everyday is an adventure and I am just soooooo incredibly happy to have her. Everday, I marvel at the fact that I have this wonderful little person to love for all of my life!  Yes, there is sleep deprivation, but it passes.  Yes, you will be tired, but it won’t stop you from doing the things you want to do and it’s a small price to pay for being there for your child.  Yes, there will be difficult moments in parenting, but that is part of life and you just try to do the best you can do.  The rewards far outweigh the hardships.  Obviously, you want a child as you have started IVF treatment.  If you are worried about your age and being an older parent – don’t.  I purposely waited till I was older to have my baby because I wanted to be financially secure in life, done most of the things I wanted to do, have my career going, have a nice home, and be emotionally ready to give my child everything.  My husband I are have never had a single regret.  After I had my baby and came back from maternity leave, I left my position to go on to another job in my company as I was promoted.  So yes, you can have that too.  Having a baby in no way will stop you from moving up in your career, in my opinion.  I wish you all the best in your IVF treatment and just want to say hang in there, it will be an amazing journey!  🙂

Post # 24
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2129 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

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KoiKove :  Love this! I’ve been wondering how you’ve been doing….I’m so glad you and your family (with your new addition) are doing good! 🙂

Post # 25
Member
5892 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

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sunrise_beauty :  Just saw your other post. Will update there. 

Post # 26
Member
9541 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

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Prettysmile40 :  Doubts are normal, but don’t let them get you down. Kids are a lot of work, but they are so amazing. I was never a person who HAD to be a mom, but now that I have a son, I loveit more than I cuold have ever imagined. Sleep deprivation is totally worth it. 

I’m going to echo 

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KoiKove :  and recommend your husband take some time off work to stay with the baby after your maternity leave, but for a different reason. I think that for a couple who are both going back to work, it is incredibly valuable to have both parents confident and bonded with baby. And the best way of doing that is leaving dad alone with baby. Seriously. My husband became so much more confident with our son after spending time with him alone. Plus, it makes it easier on you when you go back to work. I usually recommend at least a week, but even a few days would be good. 

Also, about the leaving kid at daycare thing. I get it. My husband is the same way. He has weird schedules, so if he’s working a late shift, he takes the baby to daycare at the normal time so that he can have time to himself or to get things done. At first this really bugged me, because I think there is a lot of stigma around this. I think there is this impression that you should only send your kid to daycare when you absolutely have to. But, the more I thought about it, the more I recognized the value in letting him have some “me time”. And, our son loves daycare, so it’s not like he’s being neglected. I recently switched to working 4 days per week and on my days off, I often send him to daycare for a half day, so that I can have some “me time” and time to get things done, as well.

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