Post # 1
My SO and I have known for a while that children are not for us. We made that choice early on together and neither of us have ever even remotely questioned it or brought it up again. My question is do you ever feel guilty about not giving your parents and SO’s parents grandchildren?
My parents and even SO’s parents have never tried to make us feel bad and actually seem pretty supportive, but I will occasionally see pain in his mother’s face if it is brought up at a social gathering. We both have younger siblings and they are not in relationships nor do they want children so there was a lot of pressure on each of us as the “first”. No that they know it isn’t going to happen, I can’t help but feel a little remorse.
Have you ever felt this way? How do you deal with it? I mean I know I would never be willing to become a mother just to cater to someone else’s feelings but how can I make it less painful for them? I want to hear your experiences with this.
Post # 2
Im the youngest & my siblings had kids already so no pressure from my mom at all. DH is an only child so I was really worried at first that his mom would be so disappointed no to have a grandkid. But now I don’t think it’s an issue at all, I don’t think she’s very interested in kids in general, I don’t think she wants to babysit or be a hands on grandma. My mom happens to be the same way so even if my siblings didn’t have kids it wouldn’t be an issue for us.
I don’t think you can make it less painful for your parents except by living well, making a happy & fulfilling life for yourselves. That’s all that parents REALLY want right? Once they see you doing that they will understand you don’t need kids to be happy or complete and it will be easy to accept. Chances are they will get grandkids from at least one of your siblings.
Post # 3
- Wedding: August 2017 - Sea Cider
jalapenocupcake: my Fiance and I have both never wanted children. My mother was devastated for years, as I am the only child of three who could feasibly carry on the family anyway (my brothers are severely autistic), and as a stay-at-home, my mom felt like my rejection of children was a rejection of her work, life, and choices. It has taken a decade to sort out the emotions, but she’s finally made peace with it.
I feel no guilt. If I were to have a child, it would be unwanted, and that would be misery for everyone.
Post # 4
My sister literally just had a baby a couple of weeks ago so my mother is probably head over heels right now. Besides the fact that I am estranged from my mother she also knew from a very young age that I wasn’t probably going to ever have kids. It wasn’t really a surprise to anyone when I stated that me and Fiance were decided on no kids. My gradmother who I am very close to actually likes the idea that we will get to have all these adventures together, she 110% supports us.
His family on the other hand I think they knew he didn’t want kids but maybe thought if he met someone who wanted them he would as well. I met his family for this first time this past Christmas. Newly engaged his mother casually bought up kids and I told her they were not in the plans. We left it at that. His brother is currently dating a woman with 4 kids so even though they are not his biological children they are around for her enjoyment.
I don’t feel guilty not having kids for other people that is not what having kids should be about and no one has the right to pressure you.
Post # 5
- Wedding: Disneyland - January 2016
I haven’t 100% decided yet if I want to be CBC (right now strongly leaning toward it though), but I admit, fearing that my parents may never be grandparents REALLY hurts and makes me question my choice. I’m not so much concerned about his parents as his older sister is already married and has four children, so they’ve got plenty to keep them busy. But I’m the first of my siblings (two sisters) to get married, and neither of them are dating nor do I know if they even want children either. I feel like I’m hurting them and letting them down, especially since I know both of them love children and want to be grandparents.
I’m sorry I can’t be of much help, but you’re certainly not alone in feeling this sense of guilt.
Post # 6
jalapenocupcake: I totally hear you! Our parents are great at not putting any pressure on us, but I know they want grandkids. My younger sister just got married and she wants kids, which is great, but my parents are not a huge fan of her Darling Husband so they are a little bummed that we aren’t giving them grandkids. We are actually planning on going abroad for a year and living out some of our dreams and we know they are excited and happy for us! It is tough though especially when others bring it up.
Post # 7
We are CBC, and I don’t feel any guilt. I know my mom is a little disappointed, and his parents are still hopeful that we’re going to “change our minds.” But ultimately, I can’t control how they feel about it. All I can control is my choice and my reaction to that choice. They have to decide how they want to react to it and how they want to feel about it, and hopefully they will just be happy that my husband and I love our lives and are making the right choice for us.
Post # 8
I’m not CBC, but I can speak as a parent myself. I have no problem with people being CBC, but I will admit that if neither of my two kids decide to have kids, Darling Husband and I will be pretty disappointed. I see how happy my mom is as a grandparent, and I really hope I get to experience that someday.
Still, nobody should have a kid just to please someone else.
Post # 9
I’m kind of on the fence about kids — would be happy with one (emphasis on one), would be happy with none (each for very different reasons).
That being said, my mom would be absolutely devastated if I don’t have kids. She basically asks me everyday when they’re coming and will send me texts from basically anywhere she goes saying, “Won’t it be great when I can take my grandbabies here!”
She lives alone and I’m an only child, so I get it.
I would never let that make my decision for me, but since I’m teeter-tottering on the fence, it does push me a bit one way.
Post # 10
Posting to follow, because while we’re not 100% decided, hub and I are leaning toward CBC. I’m 33 and busy as hell with life and career, and his career keeps us in a city where kids and houses and childcare is very expensive. If we don’t actively decide to have kids in the next 2 or 3 years, we likely won’t. But I feel a lot of sadness and guilt over it – toward my parents AND my husband. Hub says he’s like me, undecided, but I’m pretty sure that if I really wanted kids he would happily go along with it. And he’s such a kind, gentle, patient man – everyone who knows him just knows he would be a great dad. If one of us doesn’t actively say “let’s do this!!” in the next 2-3 years, we probably won’t ever, and then all hub’s innate good dadness will be wasted… but is fear of that a good enough reason to have a kid??? I just don’t know, but I definitely feel pressure and guilt over it.
Post # 11
Fiance and I have said we don’t want kids and have made our parents aware of this. My mom is not happy at all. She has been begging for a grandchild non stop, we’re not even married yet! She says I can keep working and she’ll raise the baby! Lol Makes me wish I did want kids
While my mom basically raised my sisters first 18yrs ago, my sister now lives about 1-2hrs away so she doesn’t get to see her other grandchild much other than on holidays, bdays, etc. so I can KINDA understand her wanting another baby around, but it won’t be mine.
While we might change our minds in the future, I don’t want to give her any hopes. I don’t feel too bad as she has experienced grandchildren. Future Mother-In-Law hasn’t though, and probably won’t as Future Sister-In-Law is on the same boat as we are.
However, you can’t have kids just to please someone else. At the end of the day you’ll be responsible for them.
Btw, i knew a couple that simply said she couldn’t have kids. End of story.
Post # 12
ohnatto: Fiance and I have said no to kids, but he’s GREAT with kids. He’s always very interactive with him and they all love him.
i also know he’s very impatient, so I understand why he doesn’t want any lol.
Post # 13
jalapenocupcake: I’m not exactly in the same situation, because I do want children. But I’ve spoken with my parents about the fact that they may never have biological grandchildren, and they know it’s out of their control and they’re supportive of me, but at the same time, it’s obviously upsetting.
I do feel guilty, but if I can’t conceive, I can’t conceive. I have no interest in fertility treatments.
Post # 14
His parents already have grandchildren from his sister so that preassure is off. I am an only child so that is a bit more difficult. While I’m sure my father still has hope I think he has given up. If I wanted kids I would have them by now. The real pressure is more from that both the Fiance are the last of the line with our last names. There is more of a concern of someone passing on the name.
Post # 15
I am the youngest of two and my S.O. is an only child. My sister is married and had baby fever for a while, but she has a new job so it’s quieted down some. In the future she will for sure have kids. I never will. I have wanted my tubes tied since I was 16 (now 22) for a million reasons. S.O. is on the same page, no babies for him. But his mother is expecting grandchildren, but doesn’t know our stance on reproduction. It was only him and his mother for a long time, so she has empty nest syndrome something fierce. She I do not have a good relationship, so I doubt she would be happy if I we the mother of her grandkids anyway. But it’s MY body and she has as much say in what I do or not do with my vagina as a mall Santa. But my parents know and are totally fine about me not wanting children since my sister is a failsafe.
There is no guilt. Why would I ever feel guilty for following my heart & head? Some women just lack that ‘mother gene’ and I am one of them. I wouldn’t enjoy being a mother to a baby/toddler/kid. S.O. and I have discussed one day when we’re older and if it fits into our lives adopting a teenager since we’re both awesome with that age group. I come from an Italian Catholic family and there will be enough babies to start a rebel alliance.