(Closed) For those who are Childless by Choice (question)

posted 4 years ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
5161 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2010

No, I honestly haven’t ever felt even a hint of guilt.

My mother has a terminal cancer diagnosis, and her only grandkids between myself and my siblings are furry ones, so she likely will pass on without human grandkids, but I have never felt remorse about not “giving” her grandchildren (not that grandkids are something to “give”).

Nor has my mother ever said anything to indicate she wishes I had. She loves her furry grandkids, and while I know she would have LIKED human grandbabies, and I think she has maybe talked about it with those siblings who have mentioned wanting kids, but she had me very young at 21, and has always been honest it was way harder and very different than she expected it to be, and has never pushed any of us into parenthood. With me, well, as the oldest by a few years I was also doing a lot of childcare at a young age while she worked and such so she kind of respects this I think…a been there done that thing. I’ve just never felt that pressure or any guilting from her! We also live pretty far away, so it is certainly not like she would be able to be super involved in a grandchild’s life, I think that kind of lessens it for her? She raised us to be independent people who pursued our goals, chose our own lives to live and she sees that we have, she likes that and is very proud of us whether or not we have kids. At this point she has bigger things to worry about than grandkids, anyway. 

My stepfather loves babies, but I don’t think he cares one way or the other that much about having actual grandkids. He is happy holding other people’s babies.

My half-sister just had a baby, so my bio dad is over the moon happy with that. 

My Mother-In-Law has two grandkids via my SIL, and recently told us she is not going to visit them any longer as Brother-In-Law is an ass and the kids are brats, and SIL and Brother-In-Law seem to expect her to parent their kids when she is around….but only in way they want her to. She’s had enough grandma-ing for now. So we’re good on that side, LOL.

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 4 months ago by  .
Post # 17
Member
318 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

jalapenocupcake:  Nope. Fiance has three sisters..two of which have kids already and my mom is fine with it.  I 100% do not want kids. I’m way too selfish and I value my free time and little money after life and bills. I am so happy just me and my fiance. He feels the same. It would actually be selfish for us to have kids. Glad the choice is more accepted these days and not expected as it once was.

Post # 18
Member
1570 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

jalapenocupcake:  My parents still have a chance with my middle sister who has always wanted to be a mother. So I don’t feel bad with them. However, my mother in law would love grandchildren and my FI’s only sibling is a brother quite a bit older than us and kind of a mess. We’d be jazzed if he took the heat off us and found someone to have a baby with him, but I don’t hold out much hope. I do feel kind of bad for her, but it doesn’t keep my up ay night.

Post # 19
Member
1527 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2016

jalapenocupcake:  I have one son but my Fiance has none and is his parents only child. We were considering adoption (I can’t have children) but after a few recent convos I think we are leaning away from it. I do feel bad because I am taking away ANY chance they had at grandchildren and because Fiance is the end of the line so to speak, but that also seems like a poor justification for having a kid.

Post # 20
Member
310 posts
Helper bee

I do feel guilty.  Barring some very unexpected event, neither me nor my sister will ever be having children and I know my mom always wanted to be a grandmother and I do feel bad for “denying” her that opportunity.  She’s ok with it though, doesn’t pressure or make me feel bad.  My FH has kids and she seems pretty keen on them, it’s not the same though, especially since we live 1000 miles away.

Post # 21
Member
9056 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

jalapenocupcake:  My great grandmother told me before she passed that you can’t live your life for others.

Having a child because your parents want grandkids or to relieve guilt would be a really bad reason to bring a child into the world right? So what is there to be guilty about for not doing it?

If someone wants to be a grandparent then there are plenty of ways they can do that. They could foster a child. They could join one of those adopt a grandparent programs (where they match grandchildless adults with grandparentless kids). They could volunteer in a child based charity (like a group home) and be grandparent figures to many children.

 

Post # 22
Member
546 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

jalapenocupcake:  we are CBC and we don’t keep it a secret if the topic of kids comes up. My parents have made it clear that they’re supportive of our choice and won’t mind not being grandparents (at least through us, my younger sister wants a family). 

DH’s parents are totally different. They never acknowledge that we don’t ever want kids if it comes up in conversation, and my Father-In-Law especially, makes comments all the time about how I’m the mother of his future grandchildren. They’re pretty much in denial, and I think hoping we’ll change our minds. 

I don’t feel guilty about our choice because it’s ours to make. I don’t want to be a mother. And I think having kids because it’s what people generally do, or having them out of guilt, is horrible for both the parents and child. I’m not going to take on the lifelong commitment of a kid just so my Mother-In-Law can be called Grandma. 

Post # 25
Member
672 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

The OP said that she would never have kids to please someone else, she asked if other people who are childfree by choice have felt guilt. Kudos to those who actually answered correctly.

Post # 26
Member
99 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

My husband and I are currently child free by choice (I am 24). There isn’t any immediate pressure yet to have children but I have had discussions with my mother about my choice in the past and have received quite a guilt trip. I am an only child and whilst my husband is not, his older sister is almost 30 and is yet to find a partner so we are unsure as to whether grandchildren will be on the cards for either of our families.

Truth be told, it is a lot of pressure and it often makes us reconsider our choice. We know that both of our parents would make wonderful grandparents and we know we would make great parents ourselves too. Our leaning towards being child free is a selfish one and we do admit that. We have had discussions about us changing our minds in the future and we both agreed that was a possibility however I never want to be pressured into it by somebody else.

Either way, guilt would play some part in our choice in terms of pushing us to one side if we were on the fence.

Post # 27
Member
1092 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Here’s an opinion from a bee who’s also a grandma. I have all granddaughters, a 3 year old, another due in January from my son and a 7 year old from my step son and can honestly say I love, love, LOVE being a grandma. I see the 3 year old the most and I love the strong bond, the hugs and kisses, the gentle nature she has and the hysterical things that she says. However, I’m not as fond of the tantrums, the yelling at the top of her lungs and not grasping the idea that it’s not her world and your lucky just to be living in it. 

From the moment a baby is born (or even concieved) as a parent you have many hopes and dreams for them. If when growing up you did without you naturally want your child to have/do things you never did. Of course you want them to be happy and healthy but many parents try to mold their children into something That’s great but what if your child doesn’t want to go to college or travel or own a home. What about accepting them for who they are and if they don’t have a natural desire to be a college student, a traveler, a home owner or a parent, why should we push them into it? I believe parents that desire grandchildren hear stories from their friends about how wonderful being a grandparent and they want to have that experience too but it requires a willing participant, the most important one… an adult child that wants to be a parent. For those that have parents who are eager to join the grandparent club there needs to be a FIRM talk on what your feelings are. You and your husband haven’t decided either way or you definately do not want children ever!!

I wish more parents would let their adult children make desisions that are best for them without thinking of themselves. Aside of doing anything illegal or immoral I want my son and step son to do what makes them happy. I’m most proud of the men they’ve become and not where they went to school, what their occupation is or if they had children.    

Post # 28
Member
1811 posts
Buzzing bee

CBC here and knew from my teen years I didn’t want kids. My parents aren’t disappointed but we’ve gotten some pressure from his mom….which is weird because he has a 4 year old from a previous marriage. Do I feel guilty? No. Nope. Not one bit. I’ve been waiting to see if regret will set in but that hasn’t either. 

Post # 29
Member
1145 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2016

Just popping in to say I prefer the term Child free to Childless.

 

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