For those who didnt live together – learning wifely skills before the wedding?

posted 8 years ago in Waiting
Post # 167
Member
1526 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

I have a sincere question about the removing of comments.  I guess I just don’t understand why some comments are deleted and some are left up.  Who decides what is snark and or personal attack?  Because I specifically pointed out a comment the other day that was extrememly hurtful/snarky and a personal attack but it was not removed.  The comment was directed right at me and I was told that at my height/weight I was unhealthy… So I guess I’m just a little confused.

Post # 168
Member
313 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I was going to go on a feminist rant but then I saw that this post is tagged with “well endowed” and that just made me lol and forget about how annoyed some people make me.

Post # 169
Member
220 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

Nope! We didn’t do anything differently and it didn’t pose any problems after we got married. My husband loves the food, our sex life is great and the transition from not married to married was extremely smooth. However, with that said, we did A LOT of talking about what we will be expecting from eachother once we move in together. So everything that needed to be worked out got worked out before the wedding. Not to mention that we were in the sixth year of our relationship when we got married. We knew eachother extremely well and so moving in together was very comfortable to us. There were little things that we couldn’t have possibly figured out before the wedding, but we were able to come to an agreement on them without a problem. I think that if you know who you’re marrying and if you know what issues might come your way you should talk about them before they do. For example, I knew that my husband rarely did chores and that it wouldn’t be acceptable in my house, so I talked to him about it and he’s been doing very well with that. He, on the other hand, knew that I do not fold my clothes. He told me that was something that would bother him, so I knew I will have to make sure that I don’t carelessly throw things in the closet once we move in together. These are little things, but they all matter. At the end it all comes down to communication.

Post # 170
Member
214 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

Wow what an interesting thread! When I first read the topic like many of you I thought I was listening to someone from the 50s but as I read everyone’s comments and Shinytoy‘s replies to them all it was very intersting to read everyone’s ideas, suggestions, and comments. It definitely seems to me like there are some differences in cultures we’re dealing with. 

My only suggestion is that you will learn how to get in a rhythm and do many of the household chores together. If your Darling Husband sees you going crazy working, cleaning, cooking, etc and does nothing about it, is that really a man you want to spend your life trying to impress? You both will learn how to take care of the house and details so you are both happy. 

My Fiance and I have been living together for years and it defintely took us some time to work things out. I first ran around trying to take care of things but he saw that I was struggling and started to help out more. Sometimes I have to flat out ask him to do something if I don’t have time, other times he’ll clean our whole apartment while I’m at work. He also has to ask me to do something sometimes because he’s busy and I have a few extra minutes to do the dishes while he still has a couple of hours of work to do (he works at home alot at all hours). 

As for cooking, I hate it. He likes it. That being said, if we’re both home we cook together alot. Alot of the times it’s fairly simple meals that take less than 30 minutes to make. That doens’t mean they aren’t filling or healthy though. Sometimes he’ll go grocery shopping while I’m at work and then we’ll cook together, other times it’s the opposite. The times that I have all day to cook on the weekends and I do cook a big meal, he appreciates it and then we eat the leftovers during the week. 

You know how to take care of yourself and so does he and you’ll find a way to take care of each other after you get married. It’ll work out and you’ll grow together as a couple and love each other for what you do to help each other out. 

WOW This was long. Sorry I didn’t realize that!

Post # 171
Member
449 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@eloping: omg I wouldn’t let him touch those either. I’m in love with my hopefully soontobe KA mixer and I want the purple dyson so yea that would b no prob. He’d break one and I’d kill.

Post # 172
Member
2408 posts
Buzzing bee

I wouldn’t say I learned how to do things so I can fulfill my “wifely duties” but simply because I need to know how to do basic things like cook and clean so I can live period. Besides, my mister knows how to cook and clean as well so it won’t be all on me to do it. But I will say that I have made a special effort to learn more recipes simply because I wanted to get more comfortable in the kitchen. I enjoy cooking but never really knew what to make and I know I can’t live on cereal and pasta alone for the rest of my life!

As delicious as that sounds. 

Post # 173
Member
3367 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

@florence:  Seriously?  It was tagged well-endowed?  I’m going to have to start checking the tags… can anyone tag, or was that from the OP? 

Post # 174
Member
7372 posts
Busy Beekeeper

@eloping: agreed! If this is part of her culture and the expectation that the wifes take on a more traditional role, i”m not gonna debate her on that. The only cavet is that one shouldn’ t use HollyWeird movies to set your expections on motherhood and running a household. I dont know any perfect woman, man or marriage.

I’m lucky in that FH enjoys cleaning and cooking and is far better at doing them than I am. However, I have been stepping it up and defintely know that once we have children that I don’t have an issue with taking more household responsiblities. I’ve  used this book to help me get my domestic routine more fine tuned. Sink Reflections. She also has a website that helps people to keep their household in order flylady. Maybe you can find it helpful.

Post # 175
Member
4335 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@jjmomma: on another one of her threads, someone (maybe her?) had tagged it “humping.” lol!

Post # 176
Member
313 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@jjmomma:

@red_rose: Now the “well endowed” tag has been removed… I think anyone can add tags, but I have a sneaking suspicion the OP added those ones herself.

Post # 177
Member
7081 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2009

I’m surprised that this thread has engendered any controversy….  I’ve had a very long week and am just catching up on things.  I’ve read through all the comments that remain.  Please try and stay nice to each other if you can.  The best moderation is self-moderation!

Post # 178
Member
395 posts
Helper bee

Wow, I am abit surprised at all the comments on here! Does no one on here try to be a better cook for her SO? Maybe you’re too “modern” to be a “traditional” wife, but does that mean you can’t learn to do things that you wouldn’t normally do as a single person?

In responce to the original question, I have gotten (and made) several of FMIL’s recipes because they are my SO’s favorite. Does that count as learning a “wifey skill”? Also sometimes I’ll text him and say “I’m doing laundry right now and I’d do yours too if we were married” or when he gets home from work and is ready for a mean I’ll say “I woulda had something ready for you if we were married.”

Maybe my view is skewed because I’m not married yet, but I like the idea of following the traditional roles in marriage. I plan on doing most of the housework and I expect him to do yardwork and take care of our cars. But that’s not to say we won’t help out the other person. I also want to only work part-time once we’re married so I can take better care of the house and cook for him more. I understand that every family is different, though. If the guy is an awesome chef but the girl messes up boiled water, of course he should do most of the cooking! But don’t attack a couple just because what’s right for them isn’t what’s right for you.

Post # 180
Member
656 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

I lived on my own before we got married, so I had a lot of household skills down. I can cook and enjoy doing it, though sometimes I work late (and the hubs enjoys cooking too). He likes to sweep with the Dyson, so I let him.

Am I a perfect wife? no. Are there piles of laundry in our home because it takes our dryer 3 effing cycles to dry six shirts? yes. Is my husband upset about it? no! He loves me the way I am, not because of my superior wifing skills.

I hope this thread doesn’t turn into a women’s lib moment. I only read the first page but come on ladies, it’s 2011. My marriage is a partnership, and we treat the household chores as such. I do believe in making my house a home, and making it comfortable and awesome for my husband (and myself). I rub his feet when he comes home because he’s on his feet all day at work, but I do want him to do the dishes after I cook dinner.

Post # 181
Member
566 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

It is fine with me (and frankly none of my business) if some other couple does things differently, as long as it is also ok with both halves of that couple. If the wife does all the cooking and the husband watches TV, and the wife thinks that’s great and under no circumstances are you allowed to touch my new KitchenAid mixer, awesome!

On the other hand, if the wife does all the cooking and the husband watches TV, and the wife thinks that totally sucks, then that totally sucks and is not fair.

In summary: divide chores or don’t divide them, but each half of the partnership should agree that the division is fair!

Also, I got some great marriage advice from one of my bosses: (1) don’t try to be a perfect wife right off the bat. You’ll fail and it will all go downhill from there. and (2) make sure you own 2x as much underwear as your husband does. When he runs out, he’ll do the laundry.

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