Post # 16
pallas : some posted this the other day and it kind of stuck with me.
If you are silent about your pain, they will kill you and say you enjoyed it.
― Zora Neale Hurston
Stop being the nice girl. I know it is hard because you hate confrontation and hate people being mad at you or talking crap. This is me. Over the years i have realized that people don’t “hate” me for saying no. They get over it. And if they don’t, it is their problem. The older i get, the more i realize how much i was pushed around before especially by family members.
You are with your fiance, not his brother. You dont have to do something because his brother told you to IE: driving around his girlfriend. Who would be upset and “mad” at you here? The brother? the whole family? Why do you “Have to” do these things?
Post # 17
L606 : wow…. thank you for posting that. That really clicked with me… shit.. lol. I think it is more of “feeling” like i have to do these things… Out of fear that the fighting will start again. Not between the Fiance and i, we have been together for almost 10 years and he is amazing! But between the brother and I. His brother and i used to be close. He was more of a brother to me than my own brother for a long time. When they started dating, his girlfriend oppenly stated that my relationship with him made her jealous, and she would get upset when he would be nice to me because she felt like he was nicer to me than to her. Its sounds so stupid, especially typing all this bullshit out, but now him and i are like “conditional” family. that condition being how well i treat and how much i do for his girlfriend.
Post # 18
pallas : well the way she acts is really starting to make a lot of sense.
She is jealous of you. Jealous of your relationship and engagement, jealous of your relationship with her boyfriend, relationship with the family, and using your stories to tell means she has none of her own.
it’s sad really. But you know what? Family fights, it happens. If you say no, the brother might be upset for a while, but is the rest of the family really going to take his side? Like “lets shut out Pallas who we have known and loved for 10 years because she didn’t drive girlfriend to work!”. You seem close with them and I am sure the whole family wont start fighting because you say no and if they do – well that is some family dynamics that had issues before you showed up lol.
I agree the wedding party may be hard to kick her out of at this point because she has been a part of planning and brother is in the wedding, but don’t let her push you or your ideas around. This is YOUR day.
Post # 19
pallas : But if he’s going to get mad at you for not being his bitchy girlfriend’s servant, then he’s not a good friend and you shouldn’t care if he gets mad. Here’s the thing with unreasonable people: they’re going to treat you badly whether you do what they want or not. Give that a second to sink in. If you didn’t drive them around, they’d pissy. But you do drive them around and they’re still pissy. So….. stop driving them around. They’re going to be pissy either way so you might as well keep that half hour of your life and spend it how you want.
I used to be very passive and could not say no. Once I learned how, my life changed. When you’re first getting used to it, it might be easier to include an apology. Totally not necessary and more effective without it, but getting started is hard, so maybe try
- I’m sorry but I can’t do that.
- I’m sorry but you’ll have to find another way.
- I wish I could but I can’t.
People will ask why not, try to push, try to guilt, etc. Don’t fall for it. Just remember, they will be their pissy unreasonable self whether you do it or not. Why put yourself out for someone who is not going to appreciate it? Once you have some practice with an apologetic no, move on to non-apologetic:
- No, that’s not going to work me.
- No, you’ll have to make other arrangements.
- No, I’m not doing that.
If they push, use this Mom-gem: “The answer is no and it’s not going to change.” The more you do it, the easier it gets. Plus, before long they realize you mean it and stop asking!
Regarding her being your bridesmaid, you only have 3 months left. Stop asking her to do bridesmaidy stuff. All she needs to do is buy a dress and show up. If she doesn’t get the dress then she gets to be a regular guest. If she doesn’t show up then you don’t have to deal with her on your wedding day. Both scenarios are no big deal so don’t stress over it. Maybe once you stop carting her ass around she’ll be so mad that she steps down — big win! It all boils down to: Stop caring what she thinks or says or does.
Post # 20
L606 : I really can’t thank you enough for the advice. Especially that quote… it’s really making me rethink my actions and how my keeping quiet is really doing more harm than good. Sticking up for myself has never been my strong suit. But I really want to go into my marriage with more confidence and strength and I can’t do that by being a doormat to someone who isn’t kind. Im going to be more honest about my feelings and not let myself get pushed around. And you’re right, I need to stop being so afraid of family fights and realize it’s not the end of the world if they get a little upset. Thank you so much!! ❤️
Post # 21
Dear god OP , just let go of all this , no one has ‘forced’ anything on you , you have resentfully agreed to things that now piss you off. Stop doing such things and stop sharing information with her.
Don’t fool yourself that your behaviour is ‘nice’ -what it is being a pushover/ scared of confrontation. No need to be ashamed of that, but you do need to own it . Stop being available, start saying no . And gently remove yourself from the scene. For eg
I had no choice as my Brother-In-Law would cause a fight if i didn’t have her be a bridesmaid. Yes you do have a choice , you just don’t engage , Who is he going to fight with ? Surely your fi would have something to say to him he started coming on ugly with you?
Post # 22
Agree with previous posters that you can and should be more assertive. I also feel like your desires to be “bitchy” and hurt her will fade away once you start being assertive and protecting yourself. Hopefully you’ll get to a point where you’re able to let the dramas just glide past you again.
Post # 23
You drive her around, do everything for her, are scared to speak up and have your wedding the way you want it because your fiance’s brother is officiating it? Why the hell would you agree to all of this? Grow a backbone. You’re a grown woman about to be married, I would have had someone else officiate my wedding, she would have been coming as a guest, and it would be drama free. I think you enjoy the drama and as much as you like to moan about her treatment of you, you’ll be the forever victim in this family because nothing’s going to change. It’s obvious from your post that your fiances family runs the show and you do everything they want you to.